Hey older moms - does the SAHM vs WOHM thing go away?

[Anonymous]

Interested to hear what the older moms think about the SAHM vs WOHM issue. Not interested in starting a war (and I regret saying "this VERSUS that" but it often is that way), but would like to hear respectful, thoughtful opinions.

I'm a mom in my early 30s with young kids. I work part-time and so feel like I can identify with both SAHMs and WOHMs. I see the advantages and disadvantages of both. However I hate how this is such an anxiety-provoking, fraught, and almost combative issue between moms: that each side tries desperately to justify (to themselves and others) why they are making the right choice and why it's better for their kids. (And if they're forced into a choice, that they become jealous and resentful of other moms.)

What I'm wondering is - does this issue dissipate in importance over time, and when your kids are about 10, you feel like, it doesn't really make a damn bit of difference either way? That the "outcomes" in terms of kids being balanced, smart, kind, well-adjusted etc, really are not strongly correlated with SAHMs or WOHMs? Do you also feel like moms care about this less and talk about it less? (I hope so!)

This next question is a bit more controversial. It seems like now there is more insecurity among full-time working moms with young kids. Most moms in this situation, even if they chose to go back full-time, seem to feel guilty that they're not spending enough time with their kids, and I think secretly wonder if SAHMs have the better deal, even if staying at home full time is not all fun and games.

But as time goes on, does the insecurity balance shift to the SAHMs, as kids enter school, and moms who have been out of the work force for 5+ years may be unable to get a job, or divorced, or lost in their career, and wish they may have remained working? Is there a kind of shift in whose situation is more "enviable"?

Look forward to hearing what others have to say.

[Anonymous]

I am a 50-plus mom who has stayed home for more than a decade. I can say that I have surely killed my career by staying home. However, I have a child with some difficulties, and I chose to stay home to work with this child, who is doing great after 10 years of near-constant attention by me. No one would do this for my child, and had I not done this, my child would have little chance of surviving in this world. So in that respect, I regret nothing.

However, I deeply regret losing my career. I am now unemployable. I have applied for jobs for which I am completely qualified. I have degrees from Ivy League schools, great work experience, etc., but it all means nothing because it's more than 10 years old. I worked very part time at times during the past decade, but not enough to keep my resume current.

Now, I am doing volunteer work in areas that interest me, and hoping that I will make some connections that will lead to paid work. I am treating this volunteer work as a professional job, and some people have noticed, so that's a tiny start. But whether it leads to any paid work, I have no idea.

As far as my children's emotional lives, I am glad I stayed home with them, and I like being there for them when they get home from school. I don't think a nanny could ever do for them what I do for them, but there's a lot of exhaustion and boredom too, especially when they are small. At this age, they are still young, but they are talkative, helpful and moving into the teen years very soon, so I am glad I have a few years more with them.

Ideally, I would have worked part-time at a professional job while my kids grow up. I looked and looked and looked, but there was no such animal available. It was full time or nothing, so I chose to stay home.

Most of the parents I know have managed some sort of work at home/part-time working arrangement by at least one parent so someone is always there to pick the kids up from school and take them to school, and can be home if they are sick, need to go to the doctor, etc.

Two full-time professional jobs with long hours is a recipe for disaster, IMHO. I know a number of families in this situation at our private school, and it shows. Often, the parents shower the kids with expensive toys, expensive vacations, but not enough attention, and the kids act out as a result. Maybe it's possible to make this situation work, but I have never seen it. A parent has to be available to the children, or else no one (who matters) is in charge, and therein lies the problem.

Having children involves compromise. I bought into the idea that I could have a career and children, and maybe I could have if I had not had a child with problems, but that's what I got, and I accept that, although I wish I'd been able to keep my career. Life is not perfect.

[Anonymous]

pp here. I meant to say "most of the successful parents I know"

[Anonymous]

My kids are eight and ten and I feel much more comfortable being a WAHM than I used to. I've always worked full time but both my DH and I have lots and lots of flexibility which has always been nice and we've never had issues taking off when the kids are sick. I also get a lot of vacation time. With all that said, I had some guilt when the kids were younger. It felt like the guilt was partially because I was raised by a SAHM and thought it was pretty great and also a result of feeling like other people were judging my choice.

I've been really fortunate that I have terrific WOHM friends, all of whom are comfortable with their decision and who don't judge SAHM's so it doesn't come up as an issue with us.

With both my kids at school all day I can't imagine being home so the guilt is nill. They are well adjusted, happy, respectful kids and they get lots of love and attention from my husband and me. The added benefit is that I have a terrific career with lots in my retirement fund.

Bottom line, it seems to be less of an issue for mr than it used to...maybe it's also because I'm getting older (age thirty nine) and fon't care what people think of me anymore!

[Anonymous]

Silly, I have better things to do.

[Anonymous]

16:20: You obviously don't have better things to do or you wouldn't be sitting around reading internet forums. You would be doing those better things.

If you found this topic petty, because you've moved beyond these issues, then it would have been interesting to hear how you've moved beyond this, which was exactly the question in the original post. Instead, ironically, you've wasted your time by making a meaningless post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:20: You obviously don't have better things to do or you wouldn't be sitting around reading internet forums. You would be doing those better things.

If you found this topic petty, because you've moved beyond these issues, then it would have been interesting to hear how you've moved beyond this, which was exactly the question in the original post. Instead, ironically, you've wasted your time by making a meaningless post.

Lighten up, Francis.

[Anonymous]

It dissipates, for sure. For instance on DC's soccer team, we've got both, though more working than not.

Not following how you know how most moms feel about working? Most moms you know? Or is this a projection?

Best advice: CHILL. Do what works for you. Don't judge others. Don't let other's judging, of you or others, get to you.

[Anonymous]

PS Another divide in some circles/nabes: Public v. private, same advice holds.

[Anonymous]

quit judging other moms and just raise your kids the best you can. That is my motto.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say it goes away for everyone, as one of the most vicious attackers of SAHMs on this board has college-aged children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 50-plus mom who has stayed home for more than a decade. I can say that I have surely killed my career by staying home. However, I have a child with some difficulties, and I chose to stay home to work with this child, who is doing great after 10 years of near-constant attention by me. No one would do this for my child, and had I not done this, my child would have little chance of surviving in this world. So in that respect, I regret nothing.

I wish I could give you a job. You sound pretty awesome to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 50-plus mom who has stayed home for more than a decade. I can say that I have surely killed my career by staying home. However, I have a child with some difficulties, and I chose to stay home to work with this child, who is doing great after 10 years of near-constant attention by me. No one would do this for my child, and had I not done this, my child would have little chance of surviving in this world. So in that respect, I regret nothing.

I wish I could give you a job. You sound pretty awesome to me.

PP, what field did you work in that didn't enable part-time work? I might be in the same situation...

[Anonymous]

For me it had gotten worse as I have gotten older. I work FT. Once we were out of daycare and into elementary school, obviously, not every other family I saw each day had two working parents like when we were in daycare. It was really my first close contact with SAHMs. We are several years into elementary school now and it hasn't gotten much better. Many of them go out of their way to be unkind and are very wrapped up in a lot of pretension. At my first my feelings were truly hurt and I really didn't understand. Now I just find them hilarious and just refuse to respond in kind.

I am very glad that I continued to work FT. I own my own business so I work when I want to basically. I have A LOT more parity in my marriage than the SAHMs I come in contact with, even more so after the economy went in the toilet. My husband and I divide and conquer relatively well. I have precious few complaints about my husband. When I am invited to socialize with SAHMs and their families, to me, it is like walking into 1954 they way their marriages are arranged. I find it uncomfortable sometimes. And for me, the divorces have started, so I am watching the marriages of some old friends disintegrate -- FT WOHMs who are emotionally distraught, but able to function bc they are financially independent. The SAHMs at school who have gotten divorced disappear bc, largely, their husbands won't agree to continue paying for private school so their kids go public and unless the mom was my friend before the divorce, I don't keep in touch and neither do they.

What has been kind of funny has been the SAHMs who have gone back to working FT either bc husband got laid off or husband's job stalled financially due to the economy. They become a lot less snarky after they go back to work.

[Anonymous]

This is sort of off topic, and I am sorry about that. I am a WOHM, and already, at age 3, my son has evidenced some embarassment to be in my presence when "big kids" are around. It actually kind of irritated me, and made me feel sad and rejected, because I don't think I am especially embarassing. Is it harder to find satisfaction as a SAHM once kids are school aged in light of this? Or do you just realize that your kids still really need you even if they are trying to pretend they don't? I am asking honestly, not trying to stir things up.