Wow, that hurts. Dumped by friends.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry, OP.

20 year friendships...lifelong memories...I am sorry that you are going though all of this. I would be heartbroken...

But, it is time to move on. A new phase of your life...be thankful that you had those experiences and start making new traditions and memories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine inviting two divorced people to go camping and bringing new SO's with them.

I was thinking the same thing. A big BBQ? Sure. Camping? No way. If I was a friend, and I KNEW one half of a divorced couple was going (especially with a new SO!), I wouldn't invite the other half either. Too much potential for things blowing up and ruining the trip for everyone.

True, but that they chose to invite the ex (and his new GF and her kids) instead of the OP is kind of the point of the post, isn't it? OP has learned that some people she thought were her true friends, are not. It's a hard lesson and one that never gets easier, no matter how many times it happens. Sorry, OP. Hang in there and focus on the people who are there for you.

Well that is not fair. What is one to do when you are good friends with both? Disinvite them both to be equal? Invite them both knowing that the ex is going to be shagging his new girlfriend next door? How about the kids? Should they be in the middle of that?

[Anonymous]

If you want to stay friends with these people, you need to actively maintain the friendship and don't act bitter about a situation that you and your ex put them in. They did not choose to be in it, but of course they are not going to be able to invite both of you camping. Get over yourself and have some empathy for the situation that you partly created. I know I sound harsh, but I have very strong feelings about this as my parents' breakup puts us in this situation constantly. Sure, we would love to have them both at the birthday party or even the foreign wedding, but it isn't about them and could only be if they were both there. Chill out, make some new friends and maintain these relationships casually without bitterness and they may return once the smoke blows over. But don't blame them!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would not have written it if I thought it was a bit extreme. First, women are always looking for the "logical" reason for why they may have been treated poorly and it's a big waste of time. It doesn't matter why someone is mean, what matters is whether they apologize and stop doing it. This does not appear to be the case in this instance. Second, don't you think it's a pretty crappy thing to do to not invite the OP and then post all the fun pictures on FB? Not inviting her is one thing, posting the photos is cruel and insensitive. And according to the OP, this has happened more than once. I'm not so much concerned about the fact that they are being nice to the ex, it's how they are treating the OP. The ex has nothing to do with it. So, I stand by my comments that these people are not being good friends and that she should focus on people who are.

You wrote:

“True, but that they chose to invite the ex (and his new GF and her kids) instead of the OP is kind of the point of the post, isn't it?”

But now you say,

“I'm not so much concerned about the fact that they are being nice to the ex, it's how they are treating the OP. The ex has nothing to do with it.”

Which is it? It appears that you initially thought that they were bad friends for inviting the ex and his new GF and her family, and thought OP should cut them off. But when called on it, instead of admitting it was an extreme reaction, you just defended it and changed your rationale.

And excuse me for using logic – I wasn’t aware that was inappropriate. Please feel free to respond, but I won’t engage anymore. I have neither the time nor the inclination to e-argue with an anonymous poster who (i) feels free to change her story whenever it suits her, and (ii) doesn’t feel like logic has any place in the discussion. Good grief.

OP – sorry, but if they were your husband’s friends first, you really can’t get all bent out of shape. Maybe the husbands insisted that he be invited. If there have been other instances of them excluding you, you may indeed have a beef. But I’d think long and hard before just cutting these people out of your life. I definitely wouldn’t do it without having a conversation about it with one or more of them. And don’t be afraid to use some logic.

PP - That comment was referring to something else. Re-read the thread and it may become clear to you. And I never said OP should cut anyone off. Other people said that. I said she should focus her attention elsewhere. (These are different things. If you would like me to draw you a venn diagram to demonstrate how logic works, I will.) If you are going to run around passing judgement on people for not agreeing with you, you may want to be sure that you actually address their comments. BTW - Why is it you have such a hard time having people disagree with you? You seem to have an ax to grind. Perhaps you've been on the wrong side of this one? (BTW - those last statements were an ad hominum attack, and you don't need to address it as it fallacious reasoning and therefore by definition, illogical and obviously loathsome to you. However, perhaps you recognized the technique in your attack on me?)

OP - I'm sorry we've taken over your thread with this silly spat. I hope that however you decide to resolve this, you find only peace and strength in your friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to stay friends with these people, you need to actively maintain the friendship and don't act bitter about a situation that you and your ex put them in. They did not choose to be in it, but of course they are not going to be able to invite both of you camping. Get over yourself and have some empathy for the situation that you partly created. I know I sound harsh, but I have very strong feelings about this as my parents' breakup puts us in this situation constantly. Sure, we would love to have them both at the birthday party or even the foreign wedding, but it isn't about them and could only be if they were both there. Chill out, make some new friends and maintain these relationships casually without bitterness and they may return once the smoke blows over. But don't blame them!!!!!

OP, it does sound harsh, but this is dead on. Maybe your ex started the "let's go camping." But it doesn't sound like you're super chummy with these folks (originally your ex's friends?) enough to 1) send out the email initiating like you said you usually do or even 2) to ask "Hey what's everyone doing this weekend? Wanna hang out?"

I think expecting them to ask both of you to camping is asking a lot.

[Anonymous]

Very sorry, OP. That sounds horribly painful and disappointing. You have every right to feel hurt. I agree, however, that you should not necessarily cut these people out of your life. Maybe they hoped you wouldn't hear about it. Stay off FB!

Hang in there, and start making new friends, and give the old friends the benefit of the doubt.

[Anonymous]

Yep - it is one of the fall outs of divorce. It doesn't make them bad people or bad friends - the divorce puts them between a rock and a hard place. Pretty much everyone falls back to who they knew first, the friendship that was once strongest. I completely disagree with inviting both and letting them fight it out - never would do that - would invite the one I knew best. I don't think they did anything wrong- you moved on in your marriage which meant they had to move on in their friendships as things had to change. Make new friends so the next relationship you go into you bring friends with you so all the friendships aren't just with your spouse's friends.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP of this thread, here’s some follow up info.

I unfriended the people involved, and apparently they eventually noticed and got mad about it. So I wrote to my formerly closest friend in the group. Her response to my specific examples of how I have been excluded from things I was formerly invited to was:

“I have my own problems (job stress, family stress, dying relatives)

Checking emails for who is (or is not) invited is not my job

You (me, the divorcee, the OP) need to make more of a concerted effort to be social with people.”

No apology. She did say, “I regret your perception... and I believe you have misplaced your anger towards me”.

So what do you think of THAT???

[Anonymous]

I'm glad you unfriended them all, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not sure what you think they should have done differently. They could only invite one of you. Maybe they flipped a coin, maybe your ex started the camping invite, who knows. Maybe they were planning to invite you to the next big event.

It's not clear to me that they did anything wrong or dumped you at all. You kind of dumped them by defriending and you should now try to spend time with them.

[Anonymous]

OP, I personally think defriending on FB is stupid. I also think tracking friends on FB is stupid.
You should concentrate on yourself and your children. If you want to be friends with these people, make the effort. Invite them to things. If they decline 2-3 events, then give up. But if they warm up, then it may be a friendship worth keeping.

[Anonymous]

These people sound a little self-centered, OP. Perhaps you should count this as a blessing and just move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not sure what you think they should have done differently. They could only invite one of you. Maybe they flipped a coin, maybe your ex started the camping invite, who knows. Maybe they were planning to invite you to the next big event.

It's not clear to me that they did anything wrong or dumped you at all. You kind of dumped them by defriending and you should now try to spend time with them.

It's not only about camping. That was just the final straw. It was about an overall pattern of no longer being invited to things. Basically when an email goes out inviting people to things, my name is not longer put on it.

If the answer is, yeah, we just like your ex DH better than you, then well, I guess I have to live with that. But this pretending like 1) they didn't intentionally drop me and 2) I am imagining things is really rather hurtful.

I mean how hard is it to put someone name on an email? One example is the annual beach week. I went to the annual beach week with these people for about a DECADE. This year the email announcing dates went out - and I was not put on it. If something like that happens once, it's an oversight. When it happens repeatedly, it's a clear indication. Friendship over.

Just to be clear, I wasn't tracking these people on FB. When you log into FB people's posts feed onto your home page. So I logged in and there the camping pictures were.

[Anonymous]

I have to agree with others on the defriending bit on Facebook. Really silly and passive aggressive.

You got what you wanted. They noticed you were gone and then your friend told you her side of the story.

Ultimately it sounds like there was misunderstanding on both sides.

[Anonymous]

I struck by the lack of comments by the OP or anyone else on this thread about the OP's children. If this situation happened to me I wouldn't be so focused on my perceived friendships with the adult women in this situation but why the heck my ex chose to take his girlfriend's children on this camping trip which sounds like it has become a bit of a tradition for this group. I would find it very hurtful that my children were denied this experience while the girlfriend's kids were included. So I guess my beef would be with the ex, not the women. And I'm not surprised by your former friend's reaction. It was certainly lacking in empathy but not a suprising reaction...no one likes to be told they behaved badly and are being judged.