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Wow, that hurts. Dumped by friends.
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Anonymous
| were you friends with the wife first, or was your ex friends with the husband first? If the men were closer friends/friends first, I'd say he gets to take that couple. If the wife was your friend first, your ex is being a jerk and that wife wasn't really your friend to begin with. Its a sucky situation. Your ex knows it is jerky, otherwise, he probably would have asked to bring your kids along on the trip. He didn't want you to know until after the trip happened. |
Anonymous
| OP, if this is one couple, I'd write it off. If this is your whole group, then you need to move on. Without drama. Quietly defriend. |
Anonymous
| My closest girlfriend broke off contact with me after the divorce (promising she wouldn't) so she could be better couple friends with my ex and his new gf. It sucks, you get over it and you make new friends. |
Anonymous
I was thinking the same thing. A big BBQ? Sure. Camping? No way. If I was a friend, and I KNEW one half of a divorced couple was going (especially with a new SO!), I wouldn't invite the other half either. Too much potential for things blowing up and ruining the trip for everyone. |
Anonymous
True, but that they chose to invite the ex (and his new GF and her kids) instead of the OP is kind of the point of the post, isn't it? OP has learned that some people she thought were her true friends, are not. It's a hard lesson and one that never gets easier, no matter how many times it happens. Sorry, OP. Hang in there and focus on the people who are there for you. |
Anonymous
| De-friend and don't return any emails or calls. Your ex-friends think they are being oh-so-modern by choosing your ex and his new girlfriend, but wait until one of them desperately needs you to watch their child or do some errand or cry on your shoulder. They WILL try to dump it on you (not your ex and obviously not his girlfriend!), and you need to be strong enough to just say no. Cut them off and make new friends. |
Anonymous
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OP I do feel for you...I have several divorced friends but I became friends with them after the divorce never knowing the spouse...that being said I do see them excluded all the time from activities/group friendships they formed during the marriage.
My observations are: the farther out from the divorce, the more likely they are to become friendly with those friends again (I am guessing bc everyone is more comfortable including the divorcees in question with their new situation), its ok to miss the old friends but you can and do make new friends and have just as much fun - in other words, everyone does move on at some point |
Anonymous
THIS!...A million times! |
Anonymous
Yes. I quietly defriended. Shed just a tiny tear or two. Went to church today - thankful for the nice people there who seemed so happy to see me. Time to move on. To answer pp inquiry - my ex had this large group of friends before I moved here. I have no family here and my circle of friends all grew through him. It's not really a fair fight for the ex wife, with a full time job, long commute, and still very little kids to try to maintain friendships when my ex is free to come and go to gatherings any time. And a lot of the gatherings are male-centric (football). But for those who may encounter a situation like this in the future. I hope you will invite everyone, be clear everyone is invited, and let them work out who will go and how to behave. To be dropped by the women.... we've been friends for close to 20 years, I sang at their weddings, we raised our babies at the same time. Threw each other showers, went on annual vacations for YEARS. Guess it never was what I thought it was. Thanks for the kind words. |
Anonymous
| OP, the only circumstances in which I would invite both exes would be for something formal and one-time only, like a wedding. For a social even or activity, I would definitely stagger inviting halves of a former couple. By making this your hill to die on, you may be writing yourself off the guest list permanently. Think twice about that---are you sure it's time to cut off all contact when what you actually want is some invites now and then? |
Anonymous
This is a little extreme, don't you think? First, there's no way to know the reasons she wasn't invited. maybe the husband initiated the trip. Maybe he had a piece of equitment the campers needed. But even if everyone who went made the conscious decision that they's rather invite the husband than OP, that's a long way from saying that they aren't really her friends. It's this kind of binary, him or me thinking choice that forces others to choose sides. OP, I'm sure it hurts, but if you start writing off everyone in your life who disappoints you, or chooses to socialize with your husband one time, or even chooses him over you one time, you're going to really limit yourself. And if you do that, I think the title of you post is backwards - it's you dumping them. |
Anonymous
I would not have written it if I thought it was a bit extreme. First, women are always looking for the "logical" reason for why they may have been treated poorly and it's a big waste of time. It doesn't matter why someone is mean, what matters is whether they apologize and stop doing it. This does not appear to be the case in this instance. Second, don't you think it's a pretty crappy thing to do to not invite the OP and then post all the fun pictures on FB? Not inviting her is one thing, posting the photos is cruel and insensitive. And according to the OP, this has happened more than once. I'm not so much concerned about the fact that they are being nice to the ex, it's how they are treating the OP. The ex has nothing to do with it. So, I stand by my comments that these people are not being good friends and that she should focus on people who are. |
Anonymous
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OP here, it's more than just this. There's been a general pattern of behavior. Other events I could make excuses in my head but this.... Anyone who knows me, knows how integral this was to me.
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Anonymous
| I know it hurts, but I would not necessarily write off everyone. If there is one thing I've learned, life constantly changes. What you think is permanent now might not be years down the road. I would not go out of my way to be friendly, but I would not necessarily shut them out either. I would go on with my life, make new friends, and if things were meant to be then opportunities will arise in the future where you might re-friend some of these people again. |
Anonymous
You wrote:
But now you say,
Which is it? It appears that you initially thought that they were bad friends for inviting the ex and his new GF and her family, and thought OP should cut them off. But when called on it, instead of admitting it was an extreme reaction, you just defended it and changed your rationale. And excuse me for using logic – I wasn’t aware that was inappropriate. Please feel free to respond, but I won’t engage anymore. I have neither the time nor the inclination to e-argue with an anonymous poster who (i) feels free to change her story whenever it suits her, and (ii) doesn’t feel like logic has any place in the discussion. Good grief. OP – sorry, but if they were your husband’s friends first, you really can’t get all bent out of shape. Maybe the husbands insisted that he be invited. If there have been other instances of them excluding you, you may indeed have a beef. But I’d think long and hard before just cutting these people out of your life. I definitely wouldn’t do it without having a conversation about it with one or more of them. And don’t be afraid to use some logic. |