Adult sibling has committed a terrible crime -- my parents need help

[Anonymous]

Same circumstances, parent of victim and ex wife of offender. I promise, 10 years down the road, it does get better. Please put your resources into the child, and helping the child's parents move on. Time does heal, and each year gets better. A clear message of what will and won't be tolerated in society and your family is important. There is a group called VINE for victims services that can be very helpful. Hugs to you and your parents and the child and the childs parents. I know each case is different, but in our case we found the most help looking for a therapist outside the traditional "sex abuse" niche. We found most therapist who dealt with sex abuse in kids desensitized to the issue. Look outside the realm and find someone who sees the abuse for the horror it is, who can validate the pain and anger. Very often hard times make families stronger and more cohesive. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

My father, who was exceptionally wealthy, was arrested for fraud and manslaughter and sentenced to what is essentially a life sentence. I do not bring it up and dont talk about my father with strangers. My mom had to completely downsize and has essentially moved on with what she could salvage. When people who don't know/havent heard ask about my dad and mom I just say they have separated. When people ask about x,y,z which used to be part of our old lifestyle I just politely say our financial situation has changed. Most people leave it at that and I am sure they go home and good. I feel for you... you cant internalize things though. Accept it for what it is and "deal with it" as best you can. You have your life which is separate from theirs. My younger brother who was a teen when this all went down is still in denial to some degree and says its all a misunderstanding. Makes me sad.

[Anonymous]

^^ sorry instead of "good" i meant "google"

[Anonymous]

OP I have not gone through this situation in my own family, but I wanted to say that not everyone is judgmental of parents in these cases. I know that my own heart breaks for the parents of the student who killed others and himself at Virginia Tech (for example). You will find other people who are able to be sympathetic and empathetic toward your family and even toward the perpetrator: how awful it must be to be in a life or mind where something like that could take place. There are people out there able to approach the situation with compassion and understand that to do so in no way means to excuse or condone those actions.

Only you and your family can forgive the offender, but I hope you will find other people who are able to help you find a way to grieve for everyone in the situation. It takes nothing from the victim to be compassionate; there is nothing that will ever make it right or fix it, but there are many paths to healing. Unfortunately, some of those go through the understandable questions of how could this happen and why didn't you protect me. The hard truth is that the victim wasn't protected by the people in your family who were supposed to protect her; the other hard truth is that some things can't be protected against despite every parent's best intentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have not gone through this situation in my own family, but I wanted to say that not everyone is judgmental of parents in these cases. I know that my own heart breaks for the parents of the student who killed others and himself at Virginia Tech (for example). You will find other people who are able to be sympathetic and empathetic toward your family and even toward the perpetrator: how awful it must be to be in a life or mind where something like that could take place. There are people out there able to approach the situation with compassion and understand that to do so in no way means to excuse or condone those actions.

Only you and your family can forgive the offender, but I hope you will find other people who are able to help you find a way to grieve for everyone in the situation. It takes nothing from the victim to be compassionate; there is nothing that will ever make it right or fix it, but there are many paths to healing. Unfortunately, some of those go through the understandable questions of how could this happen and why didn't you protect me. The hard truth is that the victim wasn't protected by the people in your family who were supposed to protect her; the other hard truth is that some things can't be protected against despite every parent's best intentions.

Also, your parents have lost two children: neither of their children (victim or perpetrator) is any longer the child they loved and tried to protect in the world. That is a heart-breaking situation; to know that one hurt the other must be just awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure the adult sibling is male and must have molested a young person in the family.

OP read "without conscience" about sociopaths. One in 25 people has no conscience. A "sociopath" is not necessarily a psycho killer. Just a person who has no sense of guilt, no ability to empathize with others. It's something that is present from birth and your family is not responsible for it.

1 in 25? That is HUGE. It must be hard to recognize as we all must know one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure the adult sibling is male and must have molested a young person in the family.

OP read "without conscience" about sociopaths. One in 25 people has no conscience. A "sociopath" is not necessarily a psycho killer. Just a person who has no sense of guilt, no ability to empathize with others. It's something that is present from birth and your family is not responsible for it.

1 in 25? That is HUGE. It must be hard to recognize as we all must know one.

Are they mostly men? I bet they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father, who was exceptionally wealthy, was arrested for fraud and manslaughter and sentenced to what is essentially a life sentence. I do not bring it up and dont talk about my father with strangers. My mom had to completely downsize and has essentially moved on with what she could salvage. When people who don't know/havent heard ask about my dad and mom I just say they have separated. When people ask about x,y,z which used to be part of our old lifestyle I just politely say our financial situation has changed. Most people leave it at that and I am sure they go home and good. I feel for you... you cant internalize things though. Accept it for what it is and "deal with it" as best you can. You have your life which is separate from theirs. My younger brother who was a teen when this all went down is still in denial to some degree and says its all a misunderstanding. Makes me sad.

Wow. I'm sorry for you, too. That must be hard as well plus the significant change in lifestyle on top of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure the adult sibling is male and must have molested a young person in the family.

OP read "without conscience" about sociopaths. One in 25 people has no conscience. A "sociopath" is not necessarily a psycho killer. Just a person who has no sense of guilt, no ability to empathize with others. It's something that is present from birth and your family is not responsible for it.

1 in 25? That is HUGE. It must be hard to recognize as we all must know one.

Yep, 4% of the population. 4 out of 100, 1 in 25. Your neighbor, your spouse, your coworker, even your kid. It was a fascinating book and explained a lot about my ex husband.

http://www.amazon.com/Without-Conscience-Disturbing-World-Psychopaths/dp/1572304510/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1306505852&sr=1-1

[Anonymous]

Given the newness of this crisis, this may not be the right time for it. But Mindfulness Meditation may be helpful once things calm down a bit. It trains the mind to weather crisis and gives the mind a rest from the constant activity a crisis like this creates (guilt, blame, worry). It is also very good for physical and mental health in general. I don't know where you live but Tara Brach is a world-renowned "guru" if you will in a type of Mindfulness Meditation called LovingKindness and she runs meditation sessions I believe in Bethesda. You can also buy her CDs as well as those of many others (like Jack Kornfield who has CD on meditations during crisi and Jon Kabat-Zinn who brought Mindfulness Meditation into western medicine). I took an 8 week course in MM and it was fantastic. I have not been keeping it up but some of the concepts allowed me to frame a recent crisis in a way that helped me see it was transient and things would get better, I would get through it, etc.

[my 2 cents: just because your sibling committed a horrible crime does not mean he is a sociopath--there is also poor judgment, impulse problems, a myriad of reasons...and your family is in a double bind because you are both concerned about the victim but also concerned for your brother who also needs understanding or if understanding is hard right now, support, good legal counsel, love, etc. It's wonderful your family is rallying around your family-member who was victimized.]

With best wishes. You and your family WILL get through this.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you are going through this OP. I know that there are some Families of Prisoners support groups. There are also a variety of support groups for Families of (insert crime here). I hope your family finds the comfort they need.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I don't know what crime your sibling committed. I am a criminal defense attorney and from your description of your family's situation, I can guess. I represent people accused of terrible crimes and I deal with them and their families quite a bit. For the victim and the victim's nuclear family, they may want to contact SAVAS. They have done wonderful work with many of my clients who have been victimized themselves in the past, but the group is mainly for victims of sex offenses. Also, for your adult sibling, they may want to work with their attorney to develop an evaluation and treatment plan -- any attorney experienced enough to handle family on family crime cases generally has a number of recommendations for the offender.

Having seen many families go through situations where one family member has committed a crime upon another, I know how hard it is. I wish you and your family peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I don't know what crime your sibling committed. I am a criminal defense attorney and from your description of your family's situation, I can guess. I represent people accused of terrible crimes and I deal with them and their families quite a bit. For the victim and the victim's nuclear family, they may want to contact SAVAS. They have done wonderful work with many of my clients who have been victimized themselves in the past, but the group is mainly for victims of sex offenses. Also, for your adult sibling, they may want to work with their attorney to develop an evaluation and treatment plan -- any attorney experienced enough to handle family on family crime cases generally has a number of recommendations for the offender.

Having seen many families go through situations where one family member has committed a crime upon another, I know how hard it is. I wish you and your family peace.

This is good advice, but just be aware that treatment of sex offenders and/or other abusers is about managing behavior; it is not realistic to hope for a sea change or cure. (I say this to caution against giving false hope to OP's parents.)