Adult sibling has committed a terrible crime -- my parents need help

[Anonymous]

Hi. This is a really difficult topic for me to ask for help with, but honestly, I am stumped and am hoping that one of the other DCUM community members might be able to help. I have an older sibling who, within the last year or two, committed a terrible, terrible crime -- the kind of thing that leads to public shunning once people know about it. My parents are heartsick. They are convinced it's all their fault and attributable to their lousy parenting, despite the fact that the rest of us have grown up to be exemplary citizens, and can hardly bear to leave their house at this point. I've begged them to get counseling, and they are starting next week, but in the mean time I am wondering if anyone knows of anything that would be helpful for them to read, internet support groups they could join, etc. I've scoured the net using terms like "parents of criminals", "good parents bad kids", etc, and get lots of analysis, but next to nothing in terms of support. Please no judgments, we're all on the verge of cracking in two as it is. Any helpful advice that anyone could share would be wonderful. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you and your family have to go through this. Hopefully the Counselor will have some good recommendations for them. I unfortunately do not. I just wanted to say that I hope that they and your family can find peace soon. You all will know who your true friends are after all of this and I hope they will help you and stand strong for you as well.

Sometimes it is the parents fault that a child is the way he is...but there are many times that it is not. It saddens me that some people don't have enough insight to differentiate between the two and everyone gets lumped in together.

I hope everything turns out alright for you.

[Anonymous]

My thoughts are with you, OP. Wish I had advice, too.

[Anonymous]

We are struggling with something similar. My prayers go out to you. I don't have words of advice sadly, as this has just happened for us. I know that my mom had a nervous breakdown over it, so we are also treating her so she can get to a place where she can think normally.

Again, lots of good energy your way. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

"When Bad Things Happen To Good People" is a very helpful book.

[Anonymous]

I don't know about this area, but these people might be able to point you in the right direction:

http://www.centerforce.org/families/support.cfm
http://fcnetwork.org/

Also, try calling Fr. Gerry Creedon. For years he did ministry in the Arlington prisons when he was at St. Charles Borromeo in Clarendon. He is now at Holy Family parish in Dale City. I am sure he would be sensitive and could help you find the right people wherever your parents live. I don't think it matters that your parents may be of a different faith, he is compassionate and understanding.

[Anonymous]

OP I have been and still am in your shoes. It is hard to talk about and I am sorry your family is going through this. If the crime was alcohol or drug related their are many books and support groups for family members. I know my mom read some other books that helped her, I will ask her what the titles were. I can say that at some point it starts to get a little easier. Life is hard and some times good people make horrible, life altering and life ending decisions. I will be praying for your parents, you and your sibling.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,
Just want to say I have an idea where you're coming from. I have a brother who did something that would definitely lead to a public shunning. We're not supposed to know what it is but there were only 2 possibilities and it was pretty easy to figure out. He's on probation and somehow didn't go to prison for it.

He and his wife have kept it private but I know there's a public record of it so because there is a legal obligation to do so...does everybody in your parents' community know about what happened or is it a secret that's eating at them? Regardless, counseling definitely seems like something to consider.

Maybe we need to start a support group for families who have members who've committed terrible crimes - god knows it's a lonely path to tread and you just can't talk to anyone about it.

My heart goes out to you and your family. You are not alone. Keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

OP - just another voice saying I'm thinking of you and your family - I don't have advice, but wanted to add my virtual support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - just another voice saying I'm thinking of you and your family - I don't have advice, but wanted to add my virtual support.

Me too.

[Anonymous]

OP, there was a New Yorker article awhile back about the nature vs. nurture debate. Message was basically: some kids are bad and parenting any differently would not have changed the outcome.

Wish I had the reference for you...

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for you and your parents, but, honestly, I feel worse for the victim(s) of the "terrible crime" you say your sibling committed. It's not your parents' fault, of course, but perhaps if they did some kind of volunteer work with a group that supports crime victims it would help them work through their sense of guilt. They'd probably learn much more about crime, its causes and its effects, and they'd feel like they were taking some kind of action to ease suffering and make the world a better place.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you so much for the kindness and good advice offered above -- it really does help. I had NO IDEA before this occurred how frequently it happens even in "good" families, hell, in all families. My eyes have definitely been opened, I'll say that for sure.

PP, I certainly do see your point. In our case, unfortunately, the victim is also one of our family members, so we are excruciatingly aware of the terrible, terrible cost of my sibling's actions. We are doing everything we can think of to be 1000% supportive of the victim in this case, including emphasizing -- over and over -- how proud we are of the victim for coming forward, and how it was horribly wrong of Sibling to have ever done this. Victim's therapist has told my parents directly that she has never seen such a supportive family before. At least we have that.

I just can't believe this is happening. I just...can't.

[Anonymous]

So sorry you are suffering so because of the actions of your sibling. You and your parents cannot control the behavior of another person, even if that person is a blood relative. I've known families where one child, for whatever reason, goes "bad," and does something horrible. Not all bad behavior can be anticipated or prevented. Perfect parenting produces imperfect results because children are not vessels into which we pour ourselves. Children have free wills, and sometimes they make very bad choices. Its wonderful you are so supportive of the victim, but you must be realistic with yourselves. Guilt serves no purpose if it does not lead to change or action that is beneficial to someone. In this case the victim is receiving help, so you have to stop beating up on yourselves and use your energy in a productive way, even though this might feel odd to you, given how much you are grieving due to the actions of your family member. Your parents need therapy, but they also need support from the community. Are there people you can reach out to and trust to support your parents? If the story is not widely known, you can be sure it is being talked about. Why not be honest with a few community leaders so the story, when it comes out, is correct?

Time will make it better, but I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's not your fault or your parents fault. I have some pretty horrible relatives (not criminals - yet), and if I had to feel responsible for their behavior I could not hold my head up. But I'm not responsible, and that's the bottom line here. Parents always feel responsible for everything their child does, but at some point they must let go of that notion and not feel ashamed if their child does something unconscionable, criminal, horrible.

[Anonymous]

I think what you're describing is high on the list of Every Parent's Nightmare. I'm not surprised by the support you've gotten.