Adult sibling has committed a terrible crime -- my parents need help

[Anonymous]

what crime did the adult sibling commit? child molestation? rape?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what crime did the adult sibling commit? child molestation? rape?

OP, you don't have to tell us. No need. Everyone else, let's just focus on being supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what crime did the adult sibling commit? child molestation? rape?

It only takes one to ruin a supportive thread. Why is this important to the help her parents need. Stop being so nosey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for the kindness and good advice offered above -- it really does help. I had NO IDEA before this occurred how frequently it happens even in "good" families, hell, in all families. My eyes have definitely been opened, I'll say that for sure.

PP, I certainly do see your point. In our case, unfortunately, the victim is also one of our family members, so we are excruciatingly aware of the terrible, terrible cost of my sibling's actions. We are doing everything we can think of to be 1000% supportive of the victim in this case, including emphasizing -- over and over -- how proud we are of the victim for coming forward, and how it was horribly wrong of Sibling to have ever done this. Victim's therapist has told my parents directly that she has never seen such a supportive family before. At least we have that.I just can't believe this is happening. I just...can't.

OP, I just want to chime in and tell you that you sound like you have a WONDERFUL family. What you are saying here is HUGE and will help the victim termendously in the healing process.

I think most of us here are parents and your post really scares many of us to the core because we too have small children and probably one of the worst things that could happen is one of our beloved chidren, one of our beautiful babies could grow up and make a huge mistake and go down the wrong path in life leading ot devestating consequences such as you describe. You and your parents will go on loving your sibling and time will heal, but you all have a long road ahead. Hold your head proud and know that based on the way your family has rallied around the victim (while of course still loving your sibling) is a testament of what good people you are.

I think times like these are when faith plays a strong role in one's life. I come from a Christian perspective and one of the wonderful messages of Christianity is forgiveness. Jesus Christ embodied forgiveness and love. I really think you should seek religious console and spend some time in deep prayer and meditation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what crime did the adult sibling commit? child molestation? rape?

Seriously, go fly a kite, its a nice day out. bye-bye.

[Anonymous]

Pretty sure the adult sibling is male and must have molested a young person in the family.

OP read "without conscience" about sociopaths. One in 25 people has no conscience. A "sociopath" is not necessarily a psycho killer. Just a person who has no sense of guilt, no ability to empathize with others. It's something that is present from birth and your family is not responsible for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for you and your parents, but, honestly, I feel worse for the victim(s) of the "terrible crime" you say your sibling committed. It's not your parents' fault, of course, but perhaps if they did some kind of volunteer work with a group that supports crime victims it would help them work through their sense of guilt. They'd probably learn much more about crime, its causes and its effects, and they'd feel like they were taking some kind of action to ease suffering and make the world a better place.

Why bother to even respond if you're going to be an ignorant bitch? Did you anywhere get the feeling that OP's parents don't feel bad for the victim? Do you think OP needs it pointed out to her that the victim has suffered??

[Anonymous]

OP, I am utterly impressed with the way your family has handled this. Really, I know times are so unbelievably tough, and you're mourning the loss of a brother and who you thought he was on top of everything else, but just know that, by your accounts, you are all taking a road so high I didn't even know it existed. You will be able to look back on this time and all hold you heads high.

[Anonymous]

OP, your family sounds amazing. As someone who was abused as a child, I can't even tell you how much my family's support would have meant to me. I think that your parents can continue to help themselves by being as supportive of the victim as possible - they can't control what your sibling did, but they can control how they try to help the victim recover.

We had a similar situation in my family - one distant cousin who did something awful (or nearly did something awful); his brother is an upstanding citizen. Look at any set of siblings - all parents can do is encourage their children to be the best versions of themselves they can possibly be. And judging by your parents' reaction to the situation, my guess is that they did just that and for your sibling, it wasn't enough. But they did their part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for you and your parents, but, honestly, I feel worse for the victim(s) of the "terrible crime" you say your sibling committed. It's not your parents' fault, of course, but perhaps if they did some kind of volunteer work with a group that supports crime victims it would help them work through their sense of guilt. They'd probably learn much more about crime, its causes and its effects, and they'd feel like they were taking some kind of action to ease suffering and make the world a better place.

And no doubt the OP feels worse for the victim(s), but that doesn't mean you should discount the genuine grief she and her parents are feeling. They are well aware of the victim(s) suffering, so you don't need to heap more guilt on, especially when that guilt is unwarranted. The fact that they feel so awful about the whole thing speaks volumes about their character/integrity; if they were awful people, they just wouldn't care. Keep the focus on their pain since that's what OP asked about.

[Anonymous]

One of my best friends experienced a similar tragedy this year. She's seeing a psychiatrist to help her cope. It's helping.

[Anonymous]

I have learned to live with it.

[Anonymous]

This is going to be very vague and maybe not helpful to this specific situation, but I remember reading an article after the Gabrielle Giffords shooting about the families of the people who commit awful crimes and how they find each other for support. The Kaczyinskis (sp) I think were mentioned as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for the kindness and good advice offered above -- it really does help. I had NO IDEA before this occurred how frequently it happens even in "good" families, hell, in all families. My eyes have definitely been opened, I'll say that for sure.

PP, I certainly do see your point. In our case, unfortunately, the victim is also one of our family members, so we are excruciatingly aware of the terrible, terrible cost of my sibling's actions. We are doing everything we can think of to be 1000% supportive of the victim in this case, including emphasizing -- over and over -- how proud we are of the victim for coming forward, and how it was horribly wrong of Sibling to have ever done this. Victim's therapist has told my parents directly that she has never seen such a supportive family before. At least we have that.

I just can't believe this is happening. I just...can't.

I just want to say that there no words to describe how brave your family is. So many times the family of the perpetrator, just won't see the wrong that he has done, and they turn on the victim. Just hang in there, and it will get better.

[Anonymous]

Three years ago, we got a call one night from my sobbing mother-in-law telling us that she had just received a call from my husband's brother (only sibling) who had been locked up--sent to jail for SEVEN years! Nobody in the family had even known that he had been arrested--he didn't tell us anything, until he called her that night to say he had been sentenced to seven years. Door closed, no appeal. Without going into details, it was a very difficult time for our family...I'd say the first year was the hardest and as with most things in life, it has become much easier to deal with. We have not told people (only a handful of people know, for the rest of the people we just said that he moved away)...I do wonder whether people know but have not said anything. I think this happens to more people than we think. I NEVER thought we would have this in our family and, sure enough, here we are with our loved one in prison for 7 years. You will get through it--it takes time but you will all be ok.