How to tell a parent

[Anonymous]

You should raise a concern but don't sound panicky. My son's daycare noticed some symptoms of a serious condition in him. I dismissed them prior to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Toddlers and preschoolers can and do engage in the repetitive speech thing. Its annoying for sure. Poor eye contact - tons of reasons for that including no reason at all - child is just not ever asked or required to make eye contact routinely - so they don't

I'm not sure what type of repetitive speech you mean, but the description of repetitive speech the OP provided is not typical for normally developing children.

Well, I think the OP is probably exaggerating due to her annoyance with the issue. Just reading the description left me with the feeling that she is fed up with the behavior. Yes toddlers and preschoolers learn something new and then tend to repeat over and over and over. Have you never been around any? You tell them "Dora is going to school today" while watching Dora and they will tell you 5 times "Dora go to school today!" then 2 hours later they will start again randomly because they see some Dora doll they own and they remember what they learned about Dora that morning...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, at day care you have conferences twice a year (at least) where you discuss these kinds of things. The nanny/parent relationship should be the same. Just be professional about it and don't diagnose. Just talk symptoms.

I agree with this. Tell the parents that you notice X, Y, Z. Be specific but not judgemental. Emphasize also nice things about their child, A, B, C, and how much you care about the child.

If the parents want to take it further it would make good sense, but at the end of the day you can't make them parent the child the way you want to and if they are in denial about these things (which they may be), you're not going to be able to "break through" and keep your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:52 poster - get a life and do the math. MB here. I have had the same FT nanny for 5+ years and yes, she often does spend more waking hours with my kids than I do. If you have a regular job with a commute, a nanny of pre-school aged kids is going to be with them from 8-6 M-F, which right there is 50 hours per week. If your kids sleep 11 hours/night, you the parent are seeing them 3 hours per day during the week, plus 13 hours per day on the weekend.

Nanny ---> 50 hours
Parent ---> 41 hours

Does this mean you love your kid any less, or are parenting your kid any less? Not at all. But nannies do spend a ton of time with our kids, help us raise them and I think often get a bum rap on this board.

My nanny brought some sensory issues about our second child to us when she was a little over a year old and I was completely surprised. However, we took her seriously and had our daughter tested by a neurologist. And you know what? Our nanny was right -- there was a diagnosis made. I'm not saying that was an easy conversation, but I truly appreciate that she came forward. OP, please go with your gut.

I applaud you poster for stating the facts like they are, yet also realizing that you can and do love your child while working full-time. If more people were like you, we'd have a lot less definsiveness on this board. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

I think that a chat forum of parents with neurotypical children is not the place to come and get a two-second diagnosis of a kid with special needs (if he even has those needs). I also think hearing parents with normally developing children tossing off labels like PDD-NOS, Aspergers, and autistic, based on a nanny's one paragraph description, is really, frankly, quite disturbing

I hope readers of this thread don't think this person represents all Special Needs parents. I'm one and I saw nothing offensive in the OP's post or the PPs. I, too, see a lot of red flags and I think the OP should be commended for wanting to raise this issue with the parents. I'm sure if OP had posted on the SN forum, there would have been just as many suggestions of Asperger's, ASD, PDD-NOS as there have been here and just as many calls to bring it up with the parents. In fact, it's already happened on a number of occasions.

OP, here's a link to a CDC publication on suggestions on how to bring up this sort of thing with parents. You might find it useful. Good luck! http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/pdf/parents_pdfs/TipsTalkingParents.pdf

[Anonymous]

Absolutely. The parents will thank you later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The parents don't spend that much time with the child, 2-3 hours a day while awake.

I do spend more time with the child while awake than the parents. I'm not bragging about this or saying there is something wrong about it, it's just how it is and I was just answering someone's question.

NP here. The OP is implying she knows the child much better than the parents. I've no doubt that a nanny knows a child very well, but to imply the parents _don't_ is rude. I WOH. I spend "2-3 hours a day while awake" with my son. Do I know him extremely well? Yes. Does my nanny also know my DS very well? Yes.

This is a dangerous approach to take; it's just going to piss off the parents. Heck, it ticks me off and I don't even have to listen to OP start diagnosing my cutie pie. OP, focus on the fact you see some specific things that you want to raise as a possible source for concern. Period. Leave the whole "I know your child better than you do" schtick out of it.

And by the way, you may _not_ know your child better than the parents do. Parents spend holidays, weekends, and sick days with their children. I feel confident that I know a great deal about my DS. I'd honestly fire my nanny if I felt projected the message you're projecting above...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

NP here. The OP is implying she knows the child much better than the parents. I've no doubt that a nanny knows a child very well, but to imply the parents _don't_ is rude. I WOH. I spend "2-3 hours a day while awake" with my son. Do I know him extremely well? Yes. Does my nanny also know my DS very well? Yes.

This is a dangerous approach to take; it's just going to piss off the parents. Heck, it ticks me off and I don't even have to listen to OP start diagnosing my cutie pie. OP, focus on the fact you see some specific things that you want to raise as a possible source for concern. Period. Leave the whole "I know your child better than you do" schtick out of it.

And by the way, you may _not_ know your child better than the parents do. Parents spend holidays, weekends, and sick days with their children. I feel confident that I know a great deal about my DS. I'd honestly fire my nanny if I felt projected the message you're projecting above...

OP here. You obviously didn't read everything I said or chose not to understand. I never said I know the child better, I only said the amount of time spent with the child vs parents because someone asked me. It was far from the point of the original post and I would never say anything along those lines to the parents. And trying to keep me from saying something you disagree with (even though it's not what I intended in the first place) by saying you'd "fire your nanny" is pretty funny to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Toddlers and preschoolers can and do engage in the repetitive speech thing. Its annoying for sure. Poor eye contact - tons of reasons for that including no reason at all - child is just not ever asked or required to make eye contact routinely - so they don't

I'm not sure what type of repetitive speech you mean, but the description of repetitive speech the OP provided is not typical for normally developing children.

Well, I think the OP is probably exaggerating due to her annoyance with the issue. Just reading the description left me with the feeling that she is fed up with the behavior. Yes toddlers and preschoolers learn something new and then tend to repeat over and over and over. Have you never been around any? You tell them "Dora is going to school today" while watching Dora and they will tell you 5 times "Dora go to school today!" then 2 hours later they will start again randomly because they see some Dora doll they own and they remember what they learned about Dora that morning...

Since you asked, I'm a former special ed teacher and current school psychologist. I also teach a Sunday School class of 4 year olds and have two young grandchildren. I appreciate what you're saying, but I read the OP's description very carefully and do think the repetitive speech as described could be a reason for concern.

[Anonymous]

OP, I read your post and think you sound like a concerned, caring nanny. Many parents live in denial, and if this child's parents spend little time with their child during the week, they probably spend little time with other children of a similar age, so they don't know how different their child is from more typically-developing children.

I would find a way to tell them as gently as possible that you've noticed some symptoms. You could suggest they see a psychologist or developmental pediatrician to sort out what's going on. But leave it at that. The parents may not want to do anything, especially if they are busy. Having a special needs child is a PITA for most people.

I have tried on occasion to point out to parents when their children are showing ASD type symptoms, but most are NOT interested in hearing what I have to say, even though I have an ASD kid. They don't want to deal with it. They only get help when a teacher tells them they have to, or a crisis occurs, like the kid gets kicked out of school or there is violence or some other issue that can't be ignored.

Best of luck, OP. I wish you were my nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is your business -- you care for the child. yes. I would say something. I have a child with very mild SN. I was very happy that her preschool said something so we could get help.

I wouldn't say that you think the child has any particular diagnosis (i.e Asperger's). You're not qualified to do that. I would specifically and factually state your concerns (e.g. Little Sally seems to have problems with X. I've noticed that Little Sally does Z. I'm concerned that Little Sally is unable to to Y at this age, etc.). Be polite and helpful and then it's the parents' job to take it from there.

I totally agree with this. my son's daycare/preschool brought some issues to our attention. we talked with his ped who suggested that we get him a thorough eval from a child psychologist. we got someone to spend a fair amount of time with him, including two visits to observe him at daycare. and though he was not diagnosed with a disorder, it was very helpful for us to see that he was having problems in certain areas. he definitely needs some coping skills before he gets to kindergarten. it would have been awful if we had sent him to kindergarten and have all these problems manifest themselves.

now we have more than a year before kindergarten to get him some help and hopefully resolve some of these issues. we never would have known unless his teachers raised their concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:52 poster - get a life and do the math. MB here. I have had the same FT nanny for 5+ years and yes, she often does spend more waking hours with my kids than I do. If you have a regular job with a commute, a nanny of pre-school aged kids is going to be with them from 8-6 M-F, which right there is 50 hours per week. If your kids sleep 11 hours/night, you the parent are seeing them 3 hours per day during the week, plus 13 hours per day on the weekend.

Nanny ---> 50 hours
Parent ---> 41 hours

Does this mean you love your kid any less, or are parenting your kid any less? Not at all. But nannies do spend a ton of time with our kids, help us raise them and I think often get a bum rap on this board.

My nanny brought some sensory issues about our second child to us when she was a little over a year old and I was completely surprised. However, we took her seriously and had our daughter tested by a neurologist. And you know what? Our nanny was right -- there was a diagnosis made. I'm not saying that was an easy conversation, but I truly appreciate that she came forward. OP, please go with your gut.

MB here and totally agree with this. If you calculate it out our nanny does not spend more waking hours with our kids than we do, but I'm not sure that's a salient point here. She's still a huge part of their lives and their upbringing and I always listen with great interest (and appropriate followup) to any ideas or concerns she raises.

OP - please do bring it up with your employers, maybe in a "I've noticed that Sam does xyz and wondered if you thought it might be helpful to ask his ped about it. I know that sometimes xyz can be a sign of something going on developmentally." Good luck - you sound like a terrific nanny and the family is lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, I suggest you post on the Special Needs Forum, where there are actual Aspie parents who might guide you. Second, your comment that the parents only spend 2-3 awake hours with the child a day is a little perplexing. Are you actually saying that these parents work 7 days a week and don't see their child in the morning, coming home only in the evenings and having only this tiny window with this child? I suspect not. In fact, I suspect that the parents are with the child day in and day out, all weekends, breakfast and dinner, and parent the child, not you.

You also don't say how old this child is, or how long you have been with the family, but why haven't you discussed your concerns with the parents if you see a "huge red flag?" If this child had symptoms of measles, would you post here, or discuss it with his parents?

By the way, special needs kids have bright futures too, whether or not "something is done" about their issues.

You truly sound super sensitive about two issues--children with special needs and families with two working parents who could very likely see their child(ren) only 2-3 hours a day. It's very possible that this nanny was trying to express her concerns and get some advice/feedback, with only the best of intentions.

Agree. Get off the soap box. The OP is not condescending and is only trying to help.

[Anonymous]

I think this nanny is amazing -- all working parents should have someone so thoughtful, observant and caring looking after their children. Not sure why some on the board are defensive over this. It's a bit like your child having a superstar math teacher but not wanting to praise her for teaching more math to your child than you do! I say, hooray for this nanny. The child (whether there is a SN issue or not) is lucky to have her!
By the way, my DS was diagnosed with a SN at around age 4. I was a SAHM at the time (with him all day and night). My gut said something wasn't quite right -- all family and friends told me I was being over-protective. He went to pre-school and had a very caring teacher who raised a couple of issues. I thank her to this day. I was actually relieved to have someone else (an objective person who has dealt with many children) weigh in. Maybe this mom has a gut feeling too -- you never know. But, again, this is a great nanny!! Good for her.

[Anonymous]

OP here: to those who are being so supportive I want to say thank you. I do understand that this is a very delicate topic and that it can trigger different responses in different people. I think that I could both be nominated the nanny of the year or be fired for saying the same thing to different people.
I have been doing my research and planning on making a list of all the symptoms that I see that can be aa red flag so I can describe them carefully and tactfully with the parents. The mom, by the way, is very aware of the behavior and we have discussed it over time, I just don't think that it ever crossed her mind that something could be developmentally "off", but rather that those were little peculiar traits in her child. I also think that part of the behaviors go by unnoticed if you don't add them together.
Anyway, I am going to talk to her/them. I just need to prepare myself both for being in a rough spot, for causing the parents to be in a rough spot and even to lose my job.