How to tell a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, I suggest you post on the Special Needs Forum, where there are actual Aspie parents who might guide you. Second, your comment that the parents only spend 2-3 awake hours with the child a day is a little perplexing. Are you actually saying that these parents work 7 days a week and don't see their child in the morning, coming home only in the evenings and having only this tiny window with this child? I suspect not. In fact, I suspect that the parents are with the child day in and day out, all weekends, breakfast and dinner, and parent the child, not you.

You also don't say how old this child is, or how long you have been with the family, but why haven't you discussed your concerns with the parents if you see a "huge red flag?" If this child had symptoms of measles, would you post here, or discuss it with his parents?

By the way, special needs kids have bright futures too, whether or not "something is done" about their issues.

You truly sound super sensitive about two issues--children with special needs and families with two working parents who could very likely see their child(ren) only 2-3 hours a day. It's very possible that this nanny was trying to express her concerns and get some advice/feedback, with only the best of intentions.

Both things can be true. So what?

I think that a chat forum of parents with neurotypical children is not the place to come and get a two-second diagnosis of a kid with special needs (if he even has those needs). I also think hearing parents with normally developing children tossing off labels like PDD-NOS, Aspergers, and autistic, based on a nanny's one paragraph description, is really, frankly, quite disturbing. And yeah, I find it disturbing that a nanny comes on here and says she spends more quality time with a child than his parents do...based on the simple fact that, apparently, they work full time.

If my nanny came on here and tossed off a one paragraph diagnosis of my "special needs kid" and then announced that because my husband and I work full time she spends more time with the child than I do -- laughable -- and then everyone chimed in with their guesses, based on the movie of the week, about what the behavior signified -- no, I don't find that helpful. I don't find that to be advice or feedback. As a special needs mom, I think this is ludicrous, disturbing, and I am willing to opine that the parents are aware of all of this behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that a chat forum of parents with neurotypical children is not the place to come and get a two-second diagnosis of a kid with special needs (if he even has those needs). I also think hearing parents with normally developing children tossing off labels like PDD-NOS, Aspergers, and autistic, based on a nanny's one paragraph description, is really, frankly, quite disturbing. And yeah, I find it disturbing that a nanny comes on here and says she spends more quality time with a child than his parents do...based on the simple fact that, apparently, they work full time.

If my nanny came on here and tossed off a one paragraph diagnosis of my "special needs kid" and then announced that because my husband and I work full time she spends more time with the child than I do -- laughable -- and then everyone chimed in with their guesses, based on the movie of the week, about what the behavior signified -- no, I don't find that helpful. I don't find that to be advice or feedback. As a special needs mom, I think this is ludicrous, disturbing, and I am willing to opine that the parents are aware of all of this behavior.

You appear to have totally missed the point of the thread. She wasn't in the least looking for a diagnosis. She was asking a question about how to go about raising concerning behavior she is seeing to the parents. She answered a question asked of her about how many hours a day the parents spend with the child and gave a factual, non judgmental answer.

OP - you could raise the concerns to the parents by asking them how they respond to the behaviors you are seeing. So you could ask what they do when he repeats the same sentence 30 times, or if they have found a way to get him to make eye contact. This way you work under the assumption that the parents are aware of what you are seeing but you are still raising the concerning behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Look, at day care you have conferences twice a year (at least) where you discuss these kinds of things. The nanny/parent relationship should be the same. Just be professional about it and don't diagnose. Just talk symptoms.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I agree that you should convey your concerns to the parents together. They may be in denial. Which, if there is a diagnosis delays intervention.

When is the child's next physical? Perhaps you can have your conversation around that? Say, I've noticed the following, what does the pediatrician think.

Why the parents together: One may be noticing some of this and the other dismissing it.

Good luck. I think it's big of you to want to help.

[Anonymous]

OP, the parents may be in denial or they may not see the same behavior you do. I have broached this topic with friends about their children. It was a lump in the throat moment. I first called a friend who was an expert in the field and asked her opinion of what I had witnessed. She said it could be something, could be nothing but I HAD to tell parents because early intervention is key.

The mom of one of the children ( a very good friend) recently thanked me for calling the issue to her attention. She was clueless at the time.

All of the suggestions to just speak to the symptoms are spot on. Good luck.

To the annoyingly defensive working Mom...you are not being helpful.

[Anonymous]

Approach it delicately, OP. You are right and good to be concerned. I have seen this and the parents are in total denial because they are so afraid of what other people think. It does nothing but ruin the kid, because they don't get the help that everyone else sees the kid needs. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, I suggest you post on the Special Needs Forum, where there are actual Aspie parents who might guide you. Second, your comment that the parents only spend 2-3 awake hours with the child a day is a little perplexing. Are you actually saying that these parents work 7 days a week and don't see their child in the morning, coming home only in the evenings and having only this tiny window with this child? I suspect not. In fact, I suspect that the parents are with the child day in and day out, all weekends, breakfast and dinner, and parent the child, not you.

You also don't say how old this child is, or how long you have been with the family, but why haven't you discussed your concerns with the parents if you see a "huge red flag?" If this child had symptoms of measles, would you post here, or discuss it with his parents?

By the way, special needs kids have bright futures too, whether or not "something is done" about their issues.

You truly sound super sensitive about two issues--children with special needs and families with two working parents who could very likely see their child(ren) only 2-3 hours a day. It's very possible that this nanny was trying to express her concerns and get some advice/feedback, with only the best of intentions.

Both things can be true. So what?

I think that a chat forum of parents with neurotypical children is not the place to come and get a two-second diagnosis of a kid with special needs (if he even has those needs). I also think hearing parents with normally developing children tossing off labels like PDD-NOS, Aspergers, and autistic, based on a nanny's one paragraph description, is really, frankly, quite disturbing. And yeah, I find it disturbing that a nanny comes on here and says she spends more quality time with a child than his parents do...based on the simple fact that, apparently, they work full time.

If my nanny came on here and tossed off a one paragraph diagnosis of my "special needs kid" and then announced that because my husband and I work full time she spends more time with the child than I do -- laughable -- and then everyone chimed in with their guesses, based on the movie of the week, about what the behavior signified -- no, I don't find that helpful. I don't find that to be advice or feedback. As a special needs mom, I think this is ludicrous, disturbing, and I am willing to opine that the parents are aware of all of this behavior.

You're taking this way too personally. It seems like you are feeling guilty and taking out that guilt that you feel on the OP. She was only looking for feedback as to how to broach the subject with her employers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, I suggest you post on the Special Needs Forum, where there are actual Aspie parents who might guide you. Second, your comment that the parents only spend 2-3 awake hours with the child a day is a little perplexing. Are you actually saying that these parents work 7 days a week and don't see their child in the morning, coming home only in the evenings and having only this tiny window with this child? I suspect not. In fact, I suspect that the parents are with the child day in and day out, all weekends, breakfast and dinner, and parent the child, not you.

You also don't say how old this child is, or how long you have been with the family, but why haven't you discussed your concerns with the parents if you see a "huge red flag?" If this child had symptoms of measles, would you post here, or discuss it with his parents?

By the way, special needs kids have bright futures too, whether or not "something is done" about their issues.

You truly sound super sensitive about two issues--children with special needs and families with two working parents who could very likely see their child(ren) only 2-3 hours a day. It's very possible that this nanny was trying to express her concerns and get some advice/feedback, with only the best of intentions.

Both things can be true. So what?

I think that a chat forum of parents with neurotypical children is not the place to come and get a two-second diagnosis of a kid with special needs (if he even has those needs). I also think hearing parents with normally developing children tossing off labels like PDD-NOS, Aspergers, and autistic, based on a nanny's one paragraph description, is really, frankly, quite disturbing. And yeah, I find it disturbing that a nanny comes on here and says she spends more quality time with a child than his parents do...based on the simple fact that, apparently, they work full time.

If my nanny came on here and tossed off a one paragraph diagnosis of my "special needs kid" and then announced that because my husband and I work full time she spends more time with the child than I do -- laughable -- and then everyone chimed in with their guesses, based on the movie of the week, about what the behavior signified -- no, I don't find that helpful. I don't find that to be advice or feedback. As a special needs mom, I think this is ludicrous, disturbing, and I am willing to opine that the parents are aware of all of this behavior.

What a douche. Some people are looking for anything to be offended about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, I suggest you post on the Special Needs Forum, where there are actual Aspie parents who might guide you. Second, your comment that the parents only spend 2-3 awake hours with the child a day is a little perplexing. Are you actually saying that these parents work 7 days a week and don't see their child in the morning, coming home only in the evenings and having only this tiny window with this child? I suspect not. In fact, I suspect that the parents are with the child day in and day out, all weekends, breakfast and dinner, and parent the child, not you.

You also don't say how old this child is, or how long you have been with the family, but why haven't you discussed your concerns with the parents if you see a "huge red flag?" If this child had symptoms of measles, would you post here, or discuss it with his parents?

By the way, special needs kids have bright futures too, whether or not "something is done" about their issues.

You truly sound super sensitive about two issues--children with special needs and families with two working parents who could very likely see their child(ren) only 2-3 hours a day. It's very possible that this nanny was trying to express her concerns and get some advice/feedback, with only the best of intentions.

Both things can be true. So what?

I think that a chat forum of parents with neurotypical children is not the place to come and get a two-second diagnosis of a kid with special needs (if he even has those needs). I also think hearing parents with normally developing children tossing off labels like PDD-NOS, Aspergers, and autistic, based on a nanny's one paragraph description, is really, frankly, quite disturbing. And yeah, I find it disturbing that a nanny comes on here and says she spends more quality time with a child than his parents do...based on the simple fact that, apparently, they work full time.

If my nanny came on here and tossed off a one paragraph diagnosis of my "special needs kid" and then announced that because my husband and I work full time she spends more time with the child than I do -- laughable -- and then everyone chimed in with their guesses, based on the movie of the week, about what the behavior signified -- no, I don't find that helpful. I don't find that to be advice or feedback. As a special needs mom, I think this is ludicrous, disturbing, and I am willing to opine that the parents are aware of all of this behavior.

I'm the PP and truly didn't mean to offend. I'm a former special ed teacher and school psychologist, so those terms weren't just being "tossed out" by the mom of neurotypical children. If those are accurate behavioral descriptions, then I think the child should be seen by a specialist. Even within my neighborhood and circle of friends, many well-meaning parents don't understand that a child displaying those types of behaviors can benefit from early interventions.

[Anonymous]

Do you describe your day to the parents? That would be the time to introduce behaviors, unusual occurances to them. Seek their feedback I woud never say anything relating to a diagnosis, use of the word "autism", "aspergers" etc, or suggest the child be looked at by a developmental ped, etc. Give them time to digest what you start to tell them and decide on their own how to proceed..

On a related note, is this wearing you down? I think there are certain ways to cope with unusual behaviors that can help you and the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, I suggest you post on the Special Needs Forum, where there are actual Aspie parents who might guide you. Second, your comment that the parents only spend 2-3 awake hours with the child a day is a little perplexing. Are you actually saying that these parents work 7 days a week and don't see their child in the morning, coming home only in the evenings and having only this tiny window with this child? I suspect not. In fact, I suspect that the parents are with the child day in and day out, all weekends, breakfast and dinner, and parent the child, not you.

You also don't say how old this child is, or how long you have been with the family, but why haven't you discussed your concerns with the parents if you see a "huge red flag?" If this child had symptoms of measles, would you post here, or discuss it with his parents?

By the way, special needs kids have bright futures too, whether or not "something is done" about their issues.

You truly sound super sensitive about two issues--children with special needs and families with two working parents who could very likely see their child(ren) only 2-3 hours a day. It's very possible that this nanny was trying to express her concerns and get some advice/feedback, with only the best of intentions.

Both things can be true. So what?

I think that a chat forum of parents with neurotypical children is not the place to come and get a two-second diagnosis of a kid with special needs (if he even has those needs). I also think hearing parents with normally developing children tossing off labels like PDD-NOS, Aspergers, and autistic, based on a nanny's one paragraph description, is really, frankly, quite disturbing. And yeah, I find it disturbing that a nanny comes on here and says she spends more quality time with a child than his parents do...based on the simple fact that, apparently, they work full time.

If my nanny came on here and tossed off a one paragraph diagnosis of my "special needs kid" and then announced that because my husband and I work full time she spends more time with the child than I do -- laughable -- and then everyone chimed in with their guesses, based on the movie of the week, about what the behavior signified -- no, I don't find that helpful. I don't find that to be advice or feedback. As a special needs mom, I think this is ludicrous, disturbing, and I am willing to opine that the parents are aware of all of this behavior.

What a douche. Some people are looking for anything to be offended about.

You know what, I really hope this child is not Special Needs. Because then his/her parents are faced with delightful people like you. Who will look at them with stares, laughter, and pity, and make stupid and insensitive comments, and then, when the family have had it up to here with the rudeness, and the lack of compassion, and the exclusion, those very same people will make comments like they are "super sensitive" and "looking for anything to be offended about." You, Madam, are the shit that this douche is now washing away.

[Anonymous]

Toddlers and preschoolers can and do engage in the repetitive speech thing. Its annoying for sure.

Poor eye contact - tons of reasons for that including no reason at all - child is just not ever asked or required to make eye contact routinely - so they don't

[Anonymous]

Haven't read other replies. If you ever take the child to the pediatrician, can you happen to mention it?

Also, the parents probably do know. My parents knew my brother had cerebral palsy for years before they said anything. First I think it was denial, later it was that they didn't want to "label" him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Toddlers and preschoolers can and do engage in the repetitive speech thing. Its annoying for sure. Poor eye contact - tons of reasons for that including no reason at all - child is just not ever asked or required to make eye contact routinely - so they don't

I'm not sure what type of repetitive speech you mean, but the description of repetitive speech the OP provided is not typical for normally developing children.

[Anonymous]

10:52 poster - get a life and do the math. MB here. I have had the same FT nanny for 5+ years and yes, she often does spend more waking hours with my kids than I do. If you have a regular job with a commute, a nanny of pre-school aged kids is going to be with them from 8-6 M-F, which right there is 50 hours per week. If your kids sleep 11 hours/night, you the parent are seeing them 3 hours per day during the week, plus 13 hours per day on the weekend.

Nanny ---> 50 hours
Parent ---> 41 hours

Does this mean you love your kid any less, or are parenting your kid any less? Not at all. But nannies do spend a ton of time with our kids, help us raise them and I think often get a bum rap on this board.

My nanny brought some sensory issues about our second child to us when she was a little over a year old and I was completely surprised. However, we took her seriously and had our daughter tested by a neurologist. And you know what? Our nanny was right -- there was a diagnosis made. I'm not saying that was an easy conversation, but I truly appreciate that she came forward. OP, please go with your gut.