How to tell a parent

[Anonymous]

So if you have enough knowledge to make a fairly good assessment of a child and determine that they may need special attention/care, would you tell the parents? How? I am a nanny and I think the child I have been caring for for years has Aspergers. I am not a professional qualified to make a diagnosis here, but I do have enough knowledge on the matter to raise a HUGE red flag. I love this child dearly and I hope the parents could see what I see and get the help they all need. I fully believe this child can do great at school and have a bright future if something is done about this. My fear is that the parents will hate me for even bringing this up and just ignore my concerns (they have a way of sweeping things under the rug, nothing is ever a big deal). Should I say something? Should I just mind my own business? Isn't this my business?

[Anonymous]

It is your business -- you care for the child. yes. I would say something. I have a child with very mild SN. I was very happy that her preschool said something so we could get help.

I wouldn't say that you think the child has any particular diagnosis (i.e Asperger's). You're not qualified to do that. I would specifically and factually state your concerns (e.g. Little Sally seems to have problems with X. I've noticed that Little Sally does Z. I'm concerned that Little Sally is unable to to Y at this age, etc.). Be polite and helpful and then it's the parents' job to take it from there.

[Anonymous]

Do you think they spend enough time with the child to recognize it? Aspergers runs in my family. From what I understand it commonly runs in families. So they might be dismissing it as common behavior found in another family member. I would approach the topic very delicately. I would also bring a print out of all the symptoms and back up with your observations.

[Anonymous]

Could you tell me what makes you think he has aspergers? I think my son may have it as well and I'd love to hear your thoughts on the child you watch, a perspective from someone who isn't the parent and sees the traits/behaviors from a different point of view. What makes you feel he has it?

[Anonymous]

The parents don't spend that much time with the child, 2-3 hours a day while awake.
About the symptoms, I'm gonna mention a few without outing myself, so it may not be thoroughly explained: child has hard time making eye contact, even with me or parents during conversation. Child has an intense obsession with a few subjects (and I don't mean like this kid likes cars, more like they will obsess about a detail of a picture for example and say the same sentence with the same intonation about the detail over and over throughout the day (i.e. "Look at those blue stars on that pillow" then repeat, same word and intonation 30 times that day.) Child rarely makes a sentence on their own, mostly repeating sentences that were said before verbatim. Child has some sensory difficulties (any different sound will throw off a meal/activity/conversation and child will obsess over it, often repeating sentences said before while the same sound was heard previously.) Child has a more elaborate vocabulary than their peers and gives preference to the "fancier" word over the more common. Child never changes intonation of a sentence heard previously: every time the sentence is repeated in the future, it has the same intonation. Child has no interest on other's input in conversation.

I could go on all night...

[Anonymous]

Just to clarify, I am NOT saying the parents not being with the child more than 3h a day is a symptom or has anything to do with this, that was simply the answer to a question from a previous poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The parents don't spend that much time with the child, 2-3 hours a day while awake.
About the symptoms, I'm gonna mention a few without outing myself, so it may not be thoroughly explained: child has hard time making eye contact, even with me or parents during conversation. Child has an intense obsession with a few subjects (and I don't mean like this kid likes cars, more like they will obsess about a detail of a picture for example and say the same sentence with the same intonation about the detail over and over throughout the day (i.e. "Look at those blue stars on that pillow" then repeat, same word and intonation 30 times that day.) Child rarely makes a sentence on their own, mostly repeating sentences that were said before verbatim. Child has some sensory difficulties (any different sound will throw off a meal/activity/conversation and child will obsess over it, often repeating sentences said before while the same sound was heard previously.) Child has a more elaborate vocabulary than their peers and gives preference to the "fancier" word over the more common. Child never changes intonation of a sentence heard previously: every time the sentence is repeated in the future, it has the same intonation. Child has no interest on other's input in conversation.

I could go on all night...

Are you ever in charge on yearly dr visits or sick visits? Would it be over stepping your boundaries to discuss it with the dr? I'm a SAHM and I'm not sure how pissed I'd be if my nanny brought this up with my child's dr, but in the end all I can think about is getting this child help and if it's what you need to do to get their attention I think I'd get over the initial anger if the doctor agreed with you.

Other than that I'd print out literature and document the child's behavior, siting solid examples of why you think he may be affected. If you bring them evidence they may need to sit up and take notice. This is a tough one, in the end I would be angry but I would know you were looking out for and loved my child.

Good luck OP, I'm so sorry you are in this predicament.

[Anonymous]

First of all, I suggest you post on the Special Needs Forum, where there are actual Aspie parents who might guide you. Second, your comment that the parents only spend 2-3 awake hours with the child a day is a little perplexing. Are you actually saying that these parents work 7 days a week and don't see their child in the morning, coming home only in the evenings and having only this tiny window with this child? I suspect not. In fact, I suspect that the parents are with the child day in and day out, all weekends, breakfast and dinner, and parent the child, not you.

You also don't say how old this child is, or how long you have been with the family, but why haven't you discussed your concerns with the parents if you see a "huge red flag?" If this child had symptoms of measles, would you post here, or discuss it with his parents?

By the way, special needs kids have bright futures too, whether or not "something is done" about their issues.

[Anonymous]

Agree pp, post in the special needs forum op. Aspies are usually not speech delayed. This child sounds like he is autistic.

[Anonymous]

05:50 - I didn't mean to offend anybody here, but apparently I did. I never said I parent this child, nor do I want to. I do spend more time with the child while awake than the parents. I'm not bragging about this or saying there is something wrong about it, it's just how it is and I was just answering someone's question.
I am not going to say how old the child is or how long I've been working for them because I don't want to out myself. I posted here because I do feel like I should talk to the parents but I don't know how.
I agree with you that special needs children can have a bright future no matter what, I never meant to imply otherwise.

[Anonymous]

OP, a friend of mine is a speech pathologist. She works with kids like your charge. If you want me to, I can talk to her about what you are describing and email you her response. She might have pointers on how to discuss things with the parents too. Let me know if you'd like me to post my email address.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, I suggest you post on the Special Needs Forum, where there are actual Aspie parents who might guide you. Second, your comment that the parents only spend 2-3 awake hours with the child a day is a little perplexing. Are you actually saying that these parents work 7 days a week and don't see their child in the morning, coming home only in the evenings and having only this tiny window with this child? I suspect not. In fact, I suspect that the parents are with the child day in and day out, all weekends, breakfast and dinner, and parent the child, not you.

You also don't say how old this child is, or how long you have been with the family, but why haven't you discussed your concerns with the parents if you see a "huge red flag?" If this child had symptoms of measles, would you post here, or discuss it with his parents?

By the way, special needs kids have bright futures too, whether or not "something is done" about their issues.

You truly sound super sensitive about two issues--children with special needs and families with two working parents who could very likely see their child(ren) only 2-3 hours a day. It's very possible that this nanny was trying to express her concerns and get some advice/feedback, with only the best of intentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The parents don't spend that much time with the child, 2-3 hours a day while awake.
About the symptoms, I'm gonna mention a few without outing myself, so it may not be thoroughly explained: child has hard time making eye contact, even with me or parents during conversation. Child has an intense obsession with a few subjects (and I don't mean like this kid likes cars, more like they will obsess about a detail of a picture for example and say the same sentence with the same intonation about the detail over and over throughout the day (i.e. "Look at those blue stars on that pillow" then repeat, same word and intonation 30 times that day.) Child rarely makes a sentence on their own, mostly repeating sentences that were said before verbatim. Child has some sensory difficulties (any different sound will throw off a meal/activity/conversation and child will obsess over it, often repeating sentences said before while the same sound was heard previously.) Child has a more elaborate vocabulary than their peers and gives preference to the "fancier" word over the more common. Child never changes intonation of a sentence heard previously: every time the sentence is repeated in the future, it has the same intonation. Child has no interest on other's input in conversation.

I could go on all night...

May not be Asperger's, but the behaviors you've described are consistent with those of an autism spectrum disorder--perhaps PDD-NOS or Autistic Disorder.

[Anonymous]

I think you should sit down with the Mom to discuss it. If you sit down with both at the same time, it might be more awkward. If I were you, I would have the conversation in person on a Friday at the end of your working day (and arrange ahead of time that you will need 15 min., etc. to talk about something). That way, you have the conversation, leave, and the parents have the whole weekend to think about it and talk it over in private.

[Anonymous]

Depending on the age of the child, I can totally imagine the 2 - 3 hours a day during the work week. If the parents leave for work at 8 in the morning and return home at 6, and the child gets up at 7 and goes to bed at 8, that's 3 hours max.

I would consider those behaviors red flags too, and I know lots of parents of SN kids (I am one although not autism spectrum) who didn't realize how different their child's behavior was until that child got to preschool or kindergarten. So this isn't at all a judgment about the parents! Sometimes people are in denial or just don't know what to look for.

I think OP is very caring and concerned and should say something as gently as possible, keeping in mind that the parents might not react well but the child's interests are most important here.