Is it better to have a bad father or no father at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is tough because when children are older they will be curious about their father and romantize him. I would never say anything bad about him in front of them. Something along the line of "Daddy, did some things that were not honest and he had to be punished and we can't see him for awhile." On one thing you can be sure, your children will want to see him at some point and they will be on his side for awhile. I had a friend whose father went to prison and it was very hard on her because it was well publicized. Good luck.

I would not say anything about him or have any contact, if you are lucky enough for him to go to prison. Because that is exactly what kids do -- they romanticize their parents. He doesn't have to be horrible to them to have a lasting bad effect on them. The last thing you want is for them to internalize some idea that if their dad is like that, then they will be like that when they grow up, too. And telling them anything bad about the father also makes them feel bad about some part of themselves. I think old fashioned avoidance is a good option, although out of favor.

[Anonymous]

OP is a lunatic
Who makes descisions like that based on DCUM responses.
You do not sound stable. You chose tat man to be the kids fatehr

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say no father, but I would not lie. Lying is what got your husband in jail, and if you are working on modeling a different way for your kids you need to stick to the truth in age-appropriate ways.

I don't know how old your kids are now, but I would work on a version of Daddy did something bad and had to go away to live. But tread very carefully with this: don't plant the seed that they can be sent away for doing something bad; I'd start with Daddy had to go away to live and we can write to him but not see him, and as they get older start to incorporate the truth. By age 10 they should be able to understand both breaking the law and stealing, and you can say Daddy stole from a lot of people and had to go to jail. They need to know that their dad is in jail because other kids and families will know (it will be in the papers most likely, and neighbors have a way of finding out stuff like that) and they need to hear it from you without shame, and an emphasis on how it has nothing to do with them. If they are in junior high or high school and want to visit him, I would take them.

They are going to have to come to terms with the hard and painful truth of the reality of who their father is throughout their lives. Better that they remember you as someone who helped them and showed compassion toward them about this rather than lied or tried to hide it; they will only internalize the shame, not the desire to keep them from being hurt. They can't be kept from being hurt: this IS their father.

I think this is great advice. But he hasn't even been formally charged yet - I wouldn't start planning the jail going away party quite yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is a lunatic
Who makes descisions like that based on DCUM responses.
You do not sound stable. You chose tat man to be the kids fatehr

Welcome to the thread, friend's wife!

[Anonymous]

I think it is better to have no father unless the bad father is able to provide some monetary support

Supporting his children and having access to them need to be separate issues. You can't buy access.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think it is better to have no father unless the bad father is able to provide some monetary support

Supporting his children and having access to them need to be separate issues. You can't buy access.

That's right. And you can't deny access based on failure to pay, either.