Forum Index
»
Off-Topic
Is it better to have a bad father or no father at all?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My ex lied, cheated, and deceived me, but I thought that was just because it was me, and the marriage. It was astonishing how he could look me in the eye and declare his innocence about something, and then of course I would find proof it was a lie....
I just found out there is an accusation of embezzlement against him. It is not a formal charge yet. Additionally I have been told of other recent problems within the family of him taking money from relatives. Including stealing money from a child's piggy bank!!! So, I'm kind of feeling (sadly) validated - he's not just bad to ME - he really is an amoral person. FYI he did not seem to be like this when we courted an married. He is very charming on the surface. Currently we have a very restrictive custody agreement, where he doesn't get a whole lot of time with the kids. I am also wondering, if he goes to jail for embezzlement - which can be up to 20 years behind bars from what I've read - should I take my kids to visit him in JAIL???? I cannot imagine taking my two little ones to a visitation in a jail for goodnes sakes. I'm wondering if it's better for them to have as little exposure to him as possible. Do you have an opinion as to whether it's worse for kids to have NO father figure at all, or to allow them to continue a close relationship with an amoral person? I realize his faults and crimes don't rise to the level of having his parental rights terminated. But as far as my ability to influence the interaction, I can minimize it or encourage it. Thanks 
|
Anonymous
|
Does he make the kids laugh and feel loved? This should be your starting point. |
Anonymous
Yikes! |
Anonymous
|
If the morals don't affect his actual relationship with the kids, ability, then I think he should continue to be in their lives.
Had you stated that he had harmed children in some way, or raped a woman, or does drugs - then I would say keep them away. otherwise, try to keep him in the picture. As for taking them to see him in jail? no way!! that's where you should draw the line. That's when you tell them he became a missionary and went to India to work with the poor! |
Anonymous
|
I had little fathering, and while that had problems I would have preferred less, so I'd say that none can be the right choice.
|
Anonymous
|
None.
Trust me, you do NOT take kids to jail to visit a sociopath like your ex. When they are little, tell them he went far away to live, and when they get older, tell them an edited version of what happened. When they are teens/adults, you can tell them the whole story. But I would give them no contact with him. He has proven he cannot be a decent human being, let alone being a decent father (which certainly sounds beyond his grasp, ever). |
Anonymous
This. He doesn't deserve to have his children visit him in jail. |
Anonymous
| No father at all. |
Anonymous
| Speaking as someone who had a bad father, I would vote for having no father at all. Not saying either is great, however. |
Anonymous
|
I think studies have shown that kids do better if they have contact with their father, even if the father is a truly shitacular human being, as long as the father does not mistreat the child.
Feeling rejected is hard on a kid. That said, if the father's interaction with the child is a sort of rejection, the contact is not advisable. |
Anonymous
No, this is only in cases where the father has rejected the kids. Not in cases where the father is crazy and ends up in jail. OP, you don't want your kids to be influenced by a person like this, do you? |
Anonymous
|
I would say no father, but I would not lie. Lying is what got your husband in jail, and if you are working on modeling a different way for your kids you need to stick to the truth in age-appropriate ways.
I don't know how old your kids are now, but I would work on a version of Daddy did something bad and had to go away to live. But tread very carefully with this: don't plant the seed that they can be sent away for doing something bad; I'd start with Daddy had to go away to live and we can write to him but not see him, and as they get older start to incorporate the truth. By age 10 they should be able to understand both breaking the law and stealing, and you can say Daddy stole from a lot of people and had to go to jail. They need to know that their dad is in jail because other kids and families will know (it will be in the papers most likely, and neighbors have a way of finding out stuff like that) and they need to hear it from you without shame, and an emphasis on how it has nothing to do with them. If they are in junior high or high school and want to visit him, I would take them. They are going to have to come to terms with the hard and painful truth of the reality of who their father is throughout their lives. Better that they remember you as someone who helped them and showed compassion toward them about this rather than lied or tried to hide it; they will only internalize the shame, not the desire to keep them from being hurt. They can't be kept from being hurt: this IS their father. |
Anonymous
| OP, shouldn't you be talking to your pediatrician about this? |
Anonymous
Why a pediatrician? A child psychiatrist, yeah, but I can't see a pediatrician being of any real benefit. |
Anonymous
Actually I have a call into my attorney for a child psychologist rec so I can discuss with him/her. Your opinions are helpful. I appreciate your input; please keep it coming. |