Is it better to have a bad father or no father at all?

[Anonymous]

I think he should continue to have contact, the last thing you want is for the kids to grow resentful of you. But I also think it would be benefical for you and the kids to have family therapy to work through this as it is going to have a huge impact on you and the kids. What he did is wrong, but it is not someting which warrants cutting off the kids.

I agree that you should not lie to the kids, but think you should work with a therapist to help them understand what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say no father, but I would not lie. Lying is what got your husband in jail, and if you are working on modeling a different way for your kids you need to stick to the truth in age-appropriate ways.

I don't know how old your kids are now, but I would work on a version of Daddy did something bad and had to go away to live. But tread very carefully with this: don't plant the seed that they can be sent away for doing something bad; I'd start with Daddy had to go away to live and we can write to him but not see him, and as they get older start to incorporate the truth. By age 10 they should be able to understand both breaking the law and stealing, and you can say Daddy stole from a lot of people and had to go to jail. They need to know that their dad is in jail because other kids and families will know (it will be in the papers most likely, and neighbors have a way of finding out stuff like that) and they need to hear it from you without shame, and an emphasis on how it has nothing to do with them. If they are in junior high or high school and want to visit him, I would take them.

They are going to have to come to terms with the hard and painful truth of the reality of who their father is throughout their lives. Better that they remember you as someone who helped them and showed compassion toward them about this rather than lied or tried to hide it; they will only internalize the shame, not the desire to keep them from being hurt. They can't be kept from being hurt: this IS their father.

Also, if your husband is charming and persuasive they will need to hear another version of reality from you. They are going to have to figure out for themselves whether to believe him (presumably he will minimize and/or lie outright about his culpability) or you. You need to be absolutely reliable; if you are shady or have hidden things or twisted them, they are going to be more vulnerable to his manipulation. They are going to WANT to believe him (that he was wronged/misunderstood or that he was caught out in an innocent mistake: whatever) and it is going to be a process for them to accept the truth. They need to know that when they do, you will be sympathetic and supportive, not gloating or vindictive so that they can come to you and talk it through.

[Anonymous]

I advocate contact. If you don't allow it, they will probably hear from him later in life and get a sob story from him about how he was misunderstood, blah blah blah... So let him have some contact, figure out how to make it as pleasant for the kiddos as possible.
I seriously doubt he'd get the full 20, unless its a wildly media covered thing. Its white collar, and they tend to only do a few years in minimal security. So if you took the kids to visit, it would not be like some hard core prison.
Today, many prisons have computers. If he goes to prison, you can see if the can do video calls.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Unless he is a child molester, murderer or rapist it would be a mistake to keep the kids away. There is no other way they will see him for what he is and make up their own minds. If you try to do it for them, it will backfire.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you're wise to consult with a child psychologist. It's not a black or white answer. It depends on why the father is bad. If he's just a criminal loser with poor judgment but is kind to the kids, I think some contact is the way to go. Even if it's just letters and phone calls. If you were still married to him and living with him and wondering if you should stay married--I would have advised that you divorce and get him out of the house. But if your question is whether the kids should have any contact, even limited, I think that's quite different. I think the main thing is to be very honest with the kids--I agree with the PP who said your ex is the liar, not you.

[Anonymous]

question: op are you remarried?

[Anonymous]

I said a prayer for you. Good luck with a very difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

This is tough because when children are older they will be curious about their father and romantize him. I would never say anything bad about him in front of them. Something along the line of "Daddy, did some things that were not honest and he had to be punished and we can't see him for awhile." On one thing you can be sure, your children will want to see him at some point and they will be on his side for awhile. I had a friend whose father went to prison and it was very hard on her because it was well publicized. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I said a prayer for you. Good luck with a very difficult situation.

Thank you. This brought tears to my eyes.

PP, I am not remarried or seeing anyone.

[Anonymous]

Let your children decide. If he's a bad seed, I think it is better that they find out than if you deny them the chance to figure it out on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None.

Trust me, you do NOT take kids to jail to visit a sociopath like your ex. When they are little, tell them he went far away to live, and when they get older, tell them an edited version of what happened. When they are teens/adults, you can tell them the whole story.

But I would give them no contact with him. He has proven he cannot be a decent human being, let alone being a decent father (which certainly sounds beyond his grasp, ever).

He might not be a sociopath. He might have an addiction, and his stealing was to support the addiction. Deal with the root issue, and he might be a good dad. No one can say without knowing him, but there is that possibilty.

[Anonymous]

I actually have wondered if he's a sociopath. There are degrees of sociopathy. The ability to charm, to look me in the eye and lie, to seduce a good buddy's wife, to steal from friends and famil - all without, apparently, any problems with his conscience! I was raised Catholic so I know that the whole guilt thing is really strong with me but, I cannot imagine being able to do the things he's done, because it would make me so miserable to feel so guilty and be so tarnished in the eyes of people who know me. He really just doesn't seem to give a crap. It makes me wonder what else he is capable of. On the other hand, while he is not the most cun-loving dad in a kid-centric way, he does seem to love our kids, and they love him. So far I've been very encouraging of their relationship and stayed very positive about their dad. But this stealing thing has knocked me for a loop.

And I think he stole to finance his new romance, not for an addiction

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually have wondered if he's a sociopath. There are degrees of sociopathy. The ability to charm, to look me in the eye and lie, to seduce a good buddy's wife, to steal from friends and famil - all without, apparently, any problems with his conscience! I was raised Catholic so I know that the whole guilt thing is really strong with me but, I cannot imagine being able to do the things he's done, because it would make me so miserable to feel so guilty and be so tarnished in the eyes of people who know me. He really just doesn't seem to give a crap. It makes me wonder what else he is capable of. On the other hand, while he is not the most cun-loving dad in a kid-centric way, he does seem to love our kids, and they love him. So far I've been very encouraging of their relationship and stayed very positive about their dad. But this stealing thing has knocked me for a loop.

And I think he stole to finance his new romance, not for an addiction

That was supposed to be "fun"-loving.

[Anonymous]

As long as he is kind and loving to the children, I say keep the contact. If you sever contact, you will always be up against your kids imagination and kids will always imagine that the other parent is kind and loving. If you keep the contact, they will find out for themselves who he is.

[Anonymous]

I think it is better to have no father unless the bad father is able to provide some monetary support -- not likely if he's in jail. Do his parents like the kids? Can they be helpful?