We don't fit in with our neighbors

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Ha!

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine not wanting to socialize with your neighbors. These are the people who you share boundaries and common areas. These are the people who are part of your community.

I love socializing with my neighbors and am disappointed when some of them don't seem to want to be involved. But, that's their decision. But, if nothing else, I have found talking with neighbors an excellent way to learn about what is going on with the school, in the neighborhood, in the county, etc. I've not found much gossiping going on (though there is some and that happens everywhere) and everyone is pretty nice. We have some that we hand out with on a more regular basis b/c we have kids the same age, similar interests, etc. I love it.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this post 10 years ago. When we moved into our house, most of the moms stayed at home and had little kids so they were always at each others' houses, even going on vacations together, etc. I worked full-time, we had no kids, and are a little bit older than most of the neighbors. While we were sometimes included in neighborhood events, I never felt like we really were a part of things. Fast forward, we all have kids now, most of the moms have gone back to work, everyone is involved with various school/sport/community activities. People have a lot less time to spend with one another. In our case, I think it has been less about us not fitting in and more about others' need to belong. Honestly, I don't really want to be so involved with everyone, but at some level it feels good to be included. OP, you didn't say how old your kids are, but if they are little, you may find as you get more into their sports and school activities, you will all make friends there and the neighborhood clique takes on less importance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
But, where's the idea come from that you should "belong"? Maybe I'm just a jaded city-dweller. I just don't get the whole socialize-with-the-neighbors thing. Why should you all be good friends...because of the proximity? Bananas.

We've lived in this neighborhood forever and are definitely on polite terms with everyone, but I'm not concerned when neighbor X is invited over to neighbor Y's porch for a visit and we are not. I'm busy living my own life.

There aren't a lot of kids in the area but I'd imagine that they'd either work out their own arrangements with other kids in the neighborhood [gasp! making playdates for themselves, without the management of their parental units], or they'd stick to their buddies at school.

Whyfor the angst?

I would die if my social world revolved around neighborhood bbqs and kiddie birthdays. Go to the theater. Plan time with your family. Geesh.

Ditto. It's just like high school for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But, where's the idea come from that you should "belong"? Maybe I'm just a jaded city-dweller. I just don't get the whole socialize-with-the-neighbors thing. Why should you all be good friends...because of the proximity? Bananas.

We've lived in this neighborhood forever and are definitely on polite terms with everyone, but I'm not concerned when neighbor X is invited over to neighbor Y's porch for a visit and we are not. I'm busy living my own life.

There aren't a lot of kids in the area but I'd imagine that they'd either work out their own arrangements with other kids in the neighborhood [gasp! making playdates for themselves, without the management of their parental units], or they'd stick to their buddies at school.

Whyfor the angst?

I would die if my social world revolved around neighborhood bbqs and kiddie birthdays. Go to the theater. Plan time with your family. Geesh.

Ditto. It's just like high school for OP.

I don't agree with this. It's human nature to want to be a part of any group you find yourself in. You may not fit in with their culture but that doesn't mean you are somehow above wanting to fit it and be included. Not buying it.

[Anonymous]

"I don't agree with this. It's human nature to want to be a part of any group you find yourself in. You may not fit in with their culture but that doesn't mean you are somehow above wanting to fit it and be included. "

If you are in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I don't agree with this. It's human nature to want to be a part of any group you find yourself in. You may not fit in with their culture but that doesn't mean you are somehow above wanting to fit it and be included. "

If you are in high school.

And yes, we are all so well adjusted and secure in ourselves. Puhleeeze, most people do want to be liked and included. Unless you are Ted Bundy. It is great if you are so secure in yourself, but your comments take away from your security.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But, where's the idea come from that you should "belong"? Maybe I'm just a jaded city-dweller. I just don't get the whole socialize-with-the-neighbors thing. Why should you all be good friends...because of the proximity? Bananas.

We've lived in this neighborhood forever and are definitely on polite terms with everyone, but I'm not concerned when neighbor X is invited over to neighbor Y's porch for a visit and we are not. I'm busy living my own life.

There aren't a lot of kids in the area but I'd imagine that they'd either work out their own arrangements with other kids in the neighborhood [gasp! making playdates for themselves, without the management of their parental units], or they'd stick to their buddies at school.

Whyfor the angst?

I would die if my social world revolved around neighborhood bbqs and kiddie birthdays. Go to the theater. Plan time with your family. Geesh.

Ditto. It's just like high school for OP.

I don't agree with this. It's human nature to want to be a part of any group you find yourself in. You may not fit in with their culture but that doesn't mean you are somehow above wanting to fit it and be included. Not buying it.

you guys are wrong and you are right.

#1, of course it is silly to obsess over who is friends with who or who is not being invited over for dinner, etc.

#2, but on the other hand, part of the reason people live in the suburbs is so they can have a sense of community. Not like neighbors pop in uninvited every week, but at least twice a month we will be walking our dogs down the street, pushing a stroller, and one of the other young families will come out and chat and we will catch up, and usually we will make plans (that may or may not be followed up on) to get together for a barbeque or drinks later in the week. You can't force friendships, but odds are you should find a few families that you click with. It helps so much to develop these friendships - someone to babysit or watch your dogs in a pinch, collect your mail when you go on vacation, just look after each other. Doesn't mean you are in a sorority together, but a larger sense of community. Once the kids get older they sort of take the lead and the kids all play together and you become friends with the family that way. My neighborhood has a social twice a year where everyone (usually older folks 60s, 70s) sit around and get HAMMERED. Lots of fun.

[Anonymous]

I guess having this problem beats the cat lady with the drug-addicted son.

[Anonymous]

The question I always ask myself is if the exclusion event is intentional or not. If it is, then there is an issue there. Right?

[Anonymous]

I disagree that OP's feelings are "high school". Nobody likes to feel excluded and we all have our insecurities and vulnerabilities. On the other hand, PP cruelly mocking OP's hurt feelings is about as "high school" as it gets.
Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

"In our case, I think it has been less about us not fitting in and more about others' need to belong. "

Bingo!

[Anonymous]

A sense of community is very important. I grew up in a crowded Latin American city and had a lot of fun during my childhood with all of the other kids I would play with and the adults I interacted with. I think people who grow up in "don't talk to me" apartment buildings or in "don't talk to me" SFHs miss out on those interactions. True, some can be 'not fun,' but in balance I know my many experiences were formatively positive.

[Anonymous]

16:50 - AMEN!

Some people really thrive on gossip. You should be averse to that and know you are next! For neighbors that are NOT nosy and/or troublemakers and have only good intentions, they deserve my time. Otherwise, nope.

Some people are very naive. I'll leave it at that.