Multiracial in America

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone interested in a multi-racial DCUM forum?

i thought you want to teach your children to be INclusive, not EXclusive... how does yet another ethnic specific forum help them at all?

how about going to the ethnic/language/nationality specific playdates instead? i'm sure all are welcome even if you don't fit in the profile.

in fact, come to our Chinese speaking playdate and we will all have fun together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone interested in a multi-racial DCUM forum?

i thought you want to teach your children to be INclusive, not EXclusive... how does yet another ethnic specific forum help them at all?

how about going to the ethnic/language/nationality specific playdates instead? i'm sure all are welcome even if you don't fit in the profile.

in fact, come to our Chinese speaking playdate and we will all have fun together.

I didn't write this, but I think the key word would be "multi" and not one ethnic background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...the key word would be "multi" and not one ethnic background.

"multi" excludes those are "non-multi"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...the key word would be "multi" and not one ethnic background.

"multi" excludes those are "non-multi"

I don't think anyone would say anything if a mono-racial family were to join an inter-racial families group. I find that those in inter-racial relationshiops tend to be the most open, genuine, and caring. And not just because I happen to be one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...the key word would be "multi" and not one ethnic background.

"multi" excludes those are "non-multi"

I think of "multi" meaning inclusive of "mono".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...the key word would be "multi" and not one ethnic background.

"multi" excludes those are "non-multi"

I don't know where you get this. Multi means many, i.e. multi-colored, multi-cultural. Multi-colored means there are a range of colors. The rainbow is multicolored. Green, purple, blue are some of the colors that together comprise the spectrum of the multicolored rainbow.

Someone just suggested having another forum to address issues that bi-cultural or bi-racial children will be confronting at some point in their developing lives. It's not like the forum is going to be password protected so that the mono-folks cannot also educate themselves on the topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...the key word would be "multi" and not one ethnic background.

"multi" excludes those are "non-multi"

I don't know where you get this. Multi means many, i.e. multi-colored, multi-cultural. Multi-colored means there are a range of colors. The rainbow is multicolored. Green, purple, blue are some of the colors that together comprise the spectrum of the multicolored rainbow.

Someone just suggested having another forum to address issues that bi-cultural or bi-racial children will be confronting at some point in their developing lives. It's not like the forum is going to be password protected so that the mono-folks cannot also educate themselves on the topic.

And how would it be any different than the forum for gay and lesbian parents, or single parents...? There are issues specific to all of these groups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...the key word would be "multi" and not one ethnic background.

"multi" excludes those are "non-multi"

I don't know where you get this. Multi means many, i.e. multi-colored, multi-cultural. Multi-colored means there are a range of colors. The rainbow is multicolored. Green, purple, blue are some of the colors that together comprise the spectrum of the multicolored rainbow.

Someone just suggested having another forum to address issues that bi-cultural or bi-racial children will be confronting at some point in their developing lives. It's not like the forum is going to be password protected so that the mono-folks cannot also educate themselves on the topic.

And how would it be any different than the forum for gay and lesbian parents, or single parents...? There are issues specific to all of these groups.

Correct. Agreed that issues/challenges are specific to the various groups.

[Anonymous]

My husband is african american and I'm caucasian. We have children that are light/medium brown in complexion and have curly, soft hair. In the past 5 years, I've probably had 4 people ask me what my children are "mixed with". Neither time has my husband been with me. I think people are curious but that there is a more polite way to ask someone what their background is. My oldest child is in a preschool class of 20 kids and he has 1 other classmate that is african american/caucasian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone just suggested having another forum to address issues that bi-cultural or bi-racial children will be confronting at some point in their developing lives. It's not like the forum is going to be password protected so that the mono-folks cannot also educate themselves on the topic.

Anonymous wrote:And how would it be any different than the forum for gay and lesbian parents, or single parents...? There are issues specific to all of these groups.

Poster who suggested forum here. Apologies if anyone misinterpreted the idea as EXclusive.

My understanding that the whole point of having forums was to organize ideas, information, and ASK QUESTIONS around TOPICS, not identities.

For example, I read the Gay/Lesbian forum even though I'm a straight. Because the TOPICS covered there are relevant to my life in DC. I can learn something from other parents.

I suggested multi-culti because DC is among the most diverse communities by any measure in the country. Ethnic, racial, cultural, socio-economic, nationality, religion. (I'm sure I missed some.) So it seemed like this is something relevant to the DC parenting experience.

Personally I was getting frustrated that race-culture seem to come up frequently in DCUM but mostly in negative, judgemental ways. Like the many posts about "I saw a brown nanny in Bethesda with a white baby" and the "my kid didn't get into NCRC because we're white" complaints. Not to mention the flaming of minorities as "reverse racists" if they ask if a school is as diverse as it's brochure.

Sorry if I've gotten this thread off track. Nice to hear about all the multi-cultis out there!

[Anonymous]

how about this as the name of the new forum -

"family-of-the-future forum"? wadaya think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how about this as the name of the new forum -

"family-of-the-future forum"? wadaya think?

I like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: My husband is african american and I'm caucasian. We have children that are light/medium brown in complexion and have curly, soft hair. In the past 5 years, I've probably had 4 people ask me what my children are "mixed with". Neither time has my husband been with me. I think people are curious but that there is a more polite way to ask someone what their background is. My oldest child is in a preschool class of 20 kids and he has 1 other classmate that is african american/caucasian.

Had the same thing happen to me. I've had blunt questions, subtle questions, and people that may be curious but don't ask and figure the details will come out in time. From showing pictures of the kids at work, meeting new moms in a moms group and showing pictures, taking my child to a new daycare etc, I am sure people have been curious - especially since I am a medium brown complexion and my youngest has blue eyes and curly hair - I had a complex in the beginning that people wouldn't think she was mine. The politest way I have found people can ask, is to say "what does their dad look like - do you guys have a wedding picture" , family picture or something along those lines if you are in conversation and showing off pictures of the kids. This makes sense - this is the same approach if my friends are dating someone new - you ask what they the guy looks like and they describe and may even send me a picture. Also, my oldest went thru a phase where she would ask "what color is he or she" anytime we mentioned someone new. Like when I went to the eye doctor - that was the first question she asked. I didn't know how to answer at first - I tried to explain what is important is if the doctor was a good doctor or not etc. My daughter would look at me and then the next person ask the same thing. Finally, I had to think what was it about the question that took be aback so I told her it wasn't a polite question and it wasn't something you would ask someone in conversation. If she wanted to know what the doctor looked like, she should ask - what did the doctor look like if she wants to get a picture in her mind and wasn't there - but that should be one of the several questions she asks me about my doctor visit.

Anyway, back to the question - the other thing people can ask is "what is their background".. but maybe more along the lines of I thought you were from the Caribbean let's say and add some personal information of their own. You have to be careful with that one because you can ask someone "where are they from" and the could be 4th generation American and get upset. I think the key is to make a question open ended enough that the other person can be as specific or vague as they feel comfortable and don't feel you are really demanding information - especially when that information is one way. I think if you ever feel someone is being a little too personal in general - you have to turn the question around and get them to explain why they want to know or ask them similar questions to them. I'll be honest - I have been on the other end of that when I have met people that have been more reserved or perhaps take no b.s. and found it is a very effective technique. If the interest is sincere - it would get the person to say something like "oh my cousin has a similar situation and that's why I was wondering" and if the person is being nosy to be nosy that would perhaps shut them down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Babycenter? Interesting idea actually. Didn't know they had a multiracial families forum. My crunchy Takoma Park/Silver Spring circles were via on-line communities but just not diverse at all. Moms at My Gym classes -- also totally homogenous. My college circle was very very diverse, but we're scattered all over the country now and don't keep in touch nearly so well. We are not church-goers, so that's not going to be a place where we develop a social network. Work presents the same problems as neighborhood -- a bit on the segregated side. (And honestly, I am just not so inclined to bleed even more of my work life into my family time beyond being tethered to the blackberry, etc!!) It's difficult as adults isn't it? College was so very easy by comparison -- one of the reasons I want to look for a diverse school setting for our son. Perhaps once he's in school our social lives will expand to include parents of his friends. We'll definitely include the festivals in our efforts.

In the exact same situation. We have finally starting meeting quite a few moms but I worry that the group isn't that diverse. My preference really would be for the moms group to be more diverse but short of that, I would have to seek out a group with a similar background to my own. Unfortunately all my college friends live all over and many don't have kids. I know there is some arguments about inclusive versus exclusive etc. and I think at least for me the idea is that I don't want my child to be "the only one" in a situation. Not that people aren't in that situation and end up okay, but I think there is more of a chance for my daughter to have self-esteem issues to feel that she needs to look like "X" to be pretty or feel awkward or singled out because her hair is different or have everyone turn to her in a group and ask her a question to speak for a whole culture/society. Society has changed a lot since I went to H.S. - gosh has it been 20 years but I know among all of my friends that went to less diverse schools dating was a real issue. Now those with daughters may think it is great that your daughter won't have many opportunities to date in H.S. but reality is it is difficult when everyone is talking about dating and parties and they don't really see anyone outside of their race as being someone they would want to date not because they would never date a person of X background but because it just would never have occurred to them and/or what they would consider pretty/beautiful wouldn't include that.

Slightly changing topic, one of the stories I really liked in the newsclips posted with this topic was the one with the girls with the dad from Puerto Rico and the mom from Korea. She seemed very well grounded and the dad said a lot of things I really want with my kids - for them to feel a strong sense of self, be comfortable with both the dad's heritage and mine, and not let other people define who they are. I do think one thing that makes it more difficult is being 3rd generation American on both sides. If we were both 1st or even 2nd generation Americans our heritage - Jamaican on my side and Irish on his - would be stronger. But over time, the American culture tends to be stronger than the culture of our great-grandparents and then marrying other Americans with various backgrounds makes it even harder to have that cultural tie to pass on to our kids to give them a sense of who they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anyway, back to the question - the other thing people can ask is "what is their background".. but maybe more along the lines of I thought you were from the Caribbean let's say and add some personal information of their own. You have to be careful with that one because you can ask someone "where are they from" and the could be 4th generation American and get upset. I think the key is to make a question open ended enough that the other person can be as specific or vague as they feel comfortable and don't feel you are really demanding information - especially when that information is one way. I think if you ever feel someone is being a little too personal in general - you have to turn the question around and get them to explain why they want to know or ask them similar questions to them. I'll be honest - I have been on the other end of that when I have met people that have been more reserved or perhaps take no b.s. and found it is a very effective technique. If the interest is sincere - it would get the person to say something like "oh my cousin has a similar situation and that's why I was wondering" and if the person is being nosy to be nosy that would perhaps shut them down.

I don't mind personal "background" questions from people I've known, but when someone I've just met asks personal questions, I don't like it: "Where were you born? Your English is flawless. You MUST be ...German, Chinese, Portuguese ..." and they're wrong. Isn't this too much? I find that people who ask such questions from the get-go never end up being friends. If one is 4th, 6th, 10th generation American (and a person of color) and they're still being asked where they are FROM, there's something wrong with the general attitude in America. It's too ignorant about its own culture, history, and background.