Feel like friend is judging me for school decision

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I have a 4 year old DS with a late summer birthday at a well-regarded private school, and he has made a smooth transition to PK. I was worried about him being the youngest, smallest, etc., but his teachers and pediatrician agreed that he was definitely ready socially, intellectually, and physically for PK. Remember that at PK, there is still a fairly large range of "normal."

There is a wealth of insight in this short post. First and foremost, no one (except the truly idiotic or heartless) has any issue with children with delays, disabilities, etc. being held back. (Right?)

I think much of the bad reaction comes from this: "at PK, there is still a fairly large range of "normal."" That's absolutely right (although I think K is the appropriate grade to discuss, because that's where mandatory schooling starts). But it seems like many parents don't like it if their child is well within the "normal" range but not at the TOP of the range when it's time to start K. They can't stand that their kid isn't the biggest/smartest/most mature/most well-adjusted/most whatever kid in the class, and so hold him or her back a year so s/he WILL be at the top of the "normal" range. Never mind that the kid is well within the range of "normal" for K - they need him to be the BEST. It's often camouflaged as "he's immature" or "putting him in a position to succeed," but it's really about fulfilling their need for validation as parents: "I did a good job - my kid got the best grades in K!" (Never mind that he'll be 7.5 when he finishes K.) Get enough of these parents in a school system, and the whole scale becomes skewed, with a 16-18 month age range in a single class. I blame Malcolm Gladwell and his pop-statistical "analysis." A perfect example of the old saying, "Americans use statistics like a drunk uses a lamppost - for support rather than illumination."

[Anonymous]

We have a DS with a late June b-day and various "issues" and did not hold him back. He has an IEP. Holding him back probably would have delayed the IEP for a variety of reasons and sending him on time ensured that he began getting help for some of his challenges. Socially, he has not had any problems. Academically, the difficulties would be there no matter what. Overall, we're glad that he started "on time." Schools are designed to handle a wide range of kids (public schools at any rate).

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to everyone for their critical insight and sharing your experiences. It's helpful. I think maybe our issue is that our two choices seem to be another year in preschool (out of the question) and sending DS to our local public school, which we are not sure is the best place for him. I think we need to find a third choice, eg, a small parochial school with smaller class sizes.

To the poster who said I was a "doormat" and "need to grow a spinal column," you display the same kind of judgmental rudeness that friend laid on me. You're both unhelpful bullies.

[Anonymous]

"To the poster who said I was a "doormat" and "need to grow a spinal column," you display the same kind of judgmental rudeness that friend laid on me. You're both unhelpful bullies. "

Are you still a doormat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not hold back my December birthday child and now I am doing it in 4th grade. Not optimal. There are so many decisions people will question and you have to go with what you know about your child and what you see for their future. Plus keep in mind sometimes people are just born opinionated and it is hard for them to not come across as judging. They often have so many opinions that they just roll on while you have agonized.

Can you explain this? You sent your Dec birthday child to school on time, but are now holding them back a year? So they would already have been among the oldest in their class (provided no/minimal red-shirting), and now they'll be the oldest by at least 6 months?

[Anonymous]

Interesting read on redshirting.
http://www.livescience.com/8574-parents-redshirting-kindergartners.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"To the poster who said I was a "doormat" and "need to grow a spinal column," you display the same kind of judgmental rudeness that friend laid on me. You're both unhelpful bullies. "

Are you still a doormat?

I was never a doormat. I know the limits of what I know and take the advice of people who've been through something already. When it comes to friends, sometimes it's not necessarily what they say but how they say it. I was hurt by her delivery, for sure, and how judgmental she was being. Like a bully. I was feeling vulnerable anyway and was looking for support--she's still my friend, but I'm off this topic with her. In the end, I'm the one who has to be happy with our decision--clearly, I know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"To the poster who said I was a "doormat" and "need to grow a spinal column," you display the same kind of judgmental rudeness that friend laid on me. You're both unhelpful bullies. "

Are you still a doormat?

I was never a doormat. I know the limits of what I know and take the advice of people who've been through something already. When it comes to friends, sometimes it's not necessarily what they say but how they say it. I was hurt by her delivery, for sure, and how judgmental she was being. Like a bully. I was feeling vulnerable anyway and was looking for support--she's still my friend, but I'm off this topic with her. In the end, I'm the one who has to be happy with our decision--clearly, I know this.

I don't think you're a doormat. But I do think you might feel better about your friend and your friendship if you were explicit about what you wanted from her.

For example, "Thanks. It's interesting to hear your opinion, but what I'm really looking for right now is support, not advice. It's a tough decision and I'm feeling a little vulnerable about it. Do you think you could back me up and support me regardless of which way we decide to go on this?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't think you're a doormat. But I do think you might feel better about your friend and your friendship if you were explicit about what you wanted from her.

For example, "Thanks. It's interesting to hear your opinion, but what I'm really looking for right now is support, not advice. It's a tough decision and I'm feeling a little vulnerable about it. Do you think you could back me up and support me regardless of which way we decide to go on this?"

I agree with this poster that sometimes you have to set those boundaries with people. I'm on the other side of the debate where my oldest daughter was moved ahead. I am lucky that many of my close friends from college either themselves were in a similar situation as a late birthday or grade skip or have family members that are doing something similar. It's been the moms I've met in the past few years that I can tell don't agree per say BUT I think they have realized that my mind is made up. While they can tell me about their experience being the youngest, I can counter that I have just as many stories from other friends where it worked out well for them so there really isn't one right answer for everyone and all you can do is go with the information you have at the time as a parent.

I do have to catch myself though when other people have chosen to make a different decision from me that I don't try to push my opinion. As someone mentioned it has nothing to do with their child or situation, but more of my situation. Having felt like the odd person out that had to defend my decision (mind you to perfect strangers that want to comment) in addition to finding the educational resources I needed for this path, I have to remember that when someone is talking about their situation - I don't have to fight the good fight, I can relax, listen, and be supportive and remember my comback that there isn't one right answer for all children. My youngest daughter will be smack in the middle of her age group and I know if she had the same birthdate as my oldest, I would not have pushed her ahead. It doesn't mean she isn't bright and funny and has this wit that is so sly and subtle - it just means it would not have been the right choice for her.