Feel like friend is judging me for school decision

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Why are you such a doormat? Grow a spinal column, for crying out loud. And do what works for your family.

omg. I'm going to chuckling for hours at this clinically correct DCUM slam.

[Anonymous]

15:00

IME, it is the younger ones that seem to struggle as they get older. They are not as big as the older ones and socially are just not at the same stage.

I have never seen boys question why they were held back but plenty of the younger ones wish they had.

However by HS, it does seem to even out quite a bit. MS is the hardest for the younger kids.

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of threads already about red-shirting. I don't think that's really the issue here, because none of us know the OP, her kid, or her school district (or the school, if it's an independent school).

I tend to agree that no one can make you feel inferior without your permission, but if the OP is second-guessing herself, she needs to figure out whether that's because she might need more info or if that's just how she is or if the person she feels judged by is being a jerk.

[Anonymous]

I think the nastiness you see if the moms who want everyone to start on time because they don't want to pay for an extra year of school or daycare etc. so they are pushing you to do the same. I have a Sept birthday boy and I was relieved to see that many of the private schools we are looking at wouldn't take him anyway because they have Sept one cutoff so I feel like I can push back if need be but the reality is that if my son was born in August or July I would still do it because I am not a parent who thinks it builds character to struggle esp. if child is small or immature etc.etc. FYI if your child is born in May or June that may be pushing it but if he is born then and is just not ready..he is just not ready and you have to do what is best for your family and not what anyone else thinks you should do. I am learning that the best thing to do in these circumstances is to cutoff the conversation..i.e. "we have made a decision as a family and we are happy with it" and then give silence.

[Anonymous]

I would ask DS's teachers and pediatrician what they think. Sometimes parents are not the best judges of these sorts of things, although parents, of course, should have the final say. It would also help to ease the friction between you and your friend to say that DS's preschool teachers think that he is socially not ready for K because he his social skills (e.g., impulse control, ability to follow directions, etc.) are currently behind the curve for 4 year olds. Also, observe whom DS plays with--are they the same age, a bit older, or younger?

FWIW, I have a 4 year old DS with a late summer birthday at a well-regarded private school, and he has made a smooth transition to PK. I was worried about him being the youngest, smallest, etc., but his teachers and pediatrician agreed that he was definitely ready socially, intellectually, and physically for PK. Remember that at PK, there is still a fairly large range of "normal."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the nastiness you see if the moms who want everyone to start on time because they don't want to pay for an extra year of school or daycare etc. so they are pushing you to do the same. I have a Sept birthday boy and I was relieved to see that many of the private schools we are looking at wouldn't take him anyway because they have Sept one cutoff so I feel like I can push back if need be but the reality is that if my son was born in August or July I would still do it because I am not a parent who thinks it builds character to struggle esp. if child is small or immature etc.etc. FYI if your child is born in May or June that may be pushing it but if he is born then and is just not ready..he is just not ready and you have to do what is best for your family and not what anyone else thinks you should do. I am learning that the best thing to do in these circumstances is to cutoff the conversation..i.e. "we have made a decision as a family and we are happy with it" and then give silence.

I think this is unfair. You're suggesting the reason I, and the few others who did same, didn't hold back my Sept birthday boy is because I care more about money than his welfare. I'm not pushing anyone to do anything; it's just the cutoff is Sept 30 and his birthday falls 2 weeks prior. No teacher or pediatrician had ever mentioned holding him back. Not all kids are like yours, not all will struggle if they attend on time.

[Anonymous]

Sorry but you are an anomoly because the people who get the angriest over "redshirting' are people who are eager to get the "kids on the road"..I know too many people who have done this..you know it's true. There are some kids ready for sure..and they should go but those people tend to have no opinions on why so and so should go to school as a younger kid and are more supportive to families who decide not to go.

[Anonymous]

My son was born in April, has some delays and is below the 3rd percentile for height. DH absolutely refuses to hold him back, seeing this as some kind of dishonor! His teacher said we should consider it, so we are going to have him evaluated, and wait until the end of the year to decide.

OP, please consider your whole child, socially, emotionally and academically. Taunts from others are NOT a good reason, since it is best to teach him how to respond than escape the situation. But maturity concerns, in my opinion, are valid reasons.

[Anonymous]

Get used to it. You WILL be judged, admittedly by me, but ultimately it is your kid and your decision so I need to get over myself. ;-D

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know what is right for your DS OP -- go with your instincts...you won't have to look back.

Yep, this. OP, you should know that this is just the first of many school decisions that will entail you going against whatever someone else thinks best. Only you know what is best for your child.

We held our September son back for social reasons, and it was absolutely without a doubt the right decision. He is in fourth grade now and doing great. And he is one of the oldest, but not the oldest in his class.

[Anonymous]

18:07, you are an angry elf.

[Anonymous]

CRIKEY! PARENTS: TRUST THAT YOU YOU YOU YOU KNOW YOUR KID THE BEST. Stop listening to dipshit neighbors and friends who are talking about THEMSELVES. YOU DO YOU.

[Anonymous]

My DC is a November baby who was moved "up" in Montessori and subsequently, we shifted schools and put her back in the class that was exactly age-appropriate. She's very bright but was and is in every way exactly her age socially/emotionally. Hands-down, without a doubt, everyone affirms: it was the best decision we ever made. She is a much less-stressed child who is enjoying being herself. I recognize our situations are different, but I'm writing to let you know that I just don't think you can go wrong with slowing down, but you can go very, very wrong with "speeding up" in terms of ensuring a child's appropriate place in a school setting. At the end of the day, it is no one's business but your family's. I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

I did not hold back my December birthday child and now I am doing it in 4th grade. Not optimal. There are so many decisions people will question and you have to go with what you know about your child and what you see for their future. Plus keep in mind sometimes people are just born opinionated and it is hard for them to not come across as judging. They often have so many opinions that they just roll on while you have agonized.

[Anonymous]

What we learned from this thread:
(1) People are going to judge you for whatever decision you make.
(2) Many of them will do so based on their own issues and not your actual situation.
(3) At some point, you will feel that you have made the right decision.