Feel like friend is judging me for school decision

[Anonymous]

I am leaning toward holding my summer-born son back a year by sending him to a junior K program before Kindergarten, or by sending him to a private K (half-day) first. DS is smart but very young and small compared with his peers. My husband and I are not sure he's ready for our local public K. A friend of mine with older boys is really judging me harshly for considering this, saying her sons did fine starting on time and I shouldn't worry so much. I feel a lot of pressure because we are so close, and I trust her opinion so much, and her boys are really great. Any input from moms or dads who made this decision? Did you feel like your friends thought you were making a mistake? Did they tell you that so directly?

[Anonymous]

Wow! Why are you such a doormat? Grow a spinal column, for crying out loud. And do what works for your family.

[Anonymous]

If you're sure you're right, tell her you're sure this is the right thing. If you're thinking she might have a point, ask her about that.

I don't care what you do, but if your only reason for holding him back is that he is small for his age, you should probably talk to your pediatrician, his preschool teacher, and the principal at the school he'll be attending.

(We started our son on time, and friends who'd held their boys back made a few comments that suggested they were judging us. It was a little awkward, "Have you thought about holding him back?" "Not really. No one who really knows him thinks it's a good idea"? <-- didn't say that)

[Anonymous]

By "very young" do mean immature? Then Junior K sounds like a good idea. I wouldn't keep him out of K because of his size--who's to say he's going to grow "enough" in the next year anyway? But if you and your DH have decided to wait a year on K, then that's probably what's best. He won't be that much older than the other K kids next year anyway--they're turning 6, he will already be 6. Not a big deal.

But you're the parent, you made the decision. Your friend may be someone you value and trust, but she's not your kid's mom.

If my friends are judging me for my parenting decisions, they're at least doing it behind my back...

[Anonymous]

we're holding back our September birthday boy from kindergarten (doing another year of PK) as well. he's fine academically and is actually at the head of the class academically but this year of PK has been ROUGH socially. The other boys are almost entirely 5 while my son turned 4 at the beginning of the school year. They're far more aggressive and socially sophisticated and leave my son in the dust and have taunted him about his size, etc. Having my son come home crying because his PK (!) classmates are calling him stupid, short and small has been a nightmare.

I hate the red-shirting culture that goes on but I refuse to let my son be abused and so we are joining in. Yes, we talked to the teacher, director, etc. but while they can stop the nastiness, they can't force friendship among boys who don't want to include someone who is smaller and younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Why are you such a doormat? Grow a spinal column, for crying out loud. And do what works for your family.

Is this necessary--does it help the OP?

[Anonymous]

There is a great NYT article about this. I'll see if I can find it when I get a chance. I agree that there are two issues here - whether YOU think it's the right thing (which matters) and whEther your friend thinks it's the right thing (which really really doesn't matter).

[Anonymous]

We redshirted and never looked back. It wasn't a size issue but a maturity issue. Socially it would have been a disaster.

His birthday is in July and he is not the oldest. We are in private school but I know many public school families that have done this as well.

Sometimes advice is given to justify their decision instead of really looking at what is best for your son.

Do what is best for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:we're holding back our September birthday boy from kindergarten (doing another year of PK) as well. he's fine academically and is actually at the head of the class academically but this year of PK has been ROUGH socially. The other boys are almost entirely 5 while my son turned 4 at the beginning of the school year. They're far more aggressive and socially sophisticated and leave my son in the dust and have taunted him about his size, etc. Having my son come home crying because his PK (!) classmates are calling him stupid, short and small has been a nightmare.

I hate the red-shirting culture that goes on but I refuse to let my son be abused and so we are joining in. Yes, we talked to the teacher, director, etc. but while they can stop the nastiness, they can't force friendship among boys who don't want to include someone who is smaller and younger.

I think the problem lies in the class or with the teacher; I hang out with a lot of pre-k boys and I've never heard any of them calling anyone "stupid" "short" or "small." Maybe the ones I know just aren't that sophisticated. In fact, I never hear them call names, though I will get details about the drama of picking friends, or who got in trouble. But, usually it's for roughhousing. My DS is in public and is one of the oldest with a birthday just past the cutoff.

Are you in private or public? I ask only because if public there will be lots of opportunities to meet new kids next year. My oldest is the baby of his class, a September birthday. He's kinda goofy, and definitely not as sophisticated as the other boys, but he has friends and isn't suffering. I never considered holding him back because he would be bored, and he's at the top of his class. It is a bit strange to have boys in class who are 20 mos older than him, but he gets invited to their parties. And, later the older boys may struggle, knowing they were held back. Obviously you know your son, but holding him back may not necessarily solve the problem, and if he's at the top of his class now, he might also suffer academically. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Junior kindergarten is one of the best things we've ever done for DC. Go with your gut!

[Anonymous]

You have to do what is right for your son and family. Know one knows him better than you. Next time you are discussing and if your friends makes a comment, say something like why does this bother you so much? Turn it back on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to do what is right for your son and family. Know one knows him better than you. Next time you are discussing and if your friends makes a comment, say something like why does this bother you so much? Turn it back on her.

That should be "No one knows him better" -- oops!

[Anonymous]

I know a family that did not hold back their son and guess what? He ended up repeating Kindergarten while all his friends moved on to 1st grade. (They were advised that delaying K for another year would probably be a good idea, but decided to send him anyway). It definitely wasn't good for his self-esteem knowing that he was the only one who had to repeat K.

[Anonymous]

You know what is right for your DS OP -- go with your instincts...you won't have to look back.

[Anonymous]

OP - Summer born as in August, or summer born as in late May?

If there's a legitimate reason for holding him back, go for it. If you just don't want him to be the smallest kid in the class, in my opinion, that's not a good reason, and a large part of the reason we have this vicious cycle of ever older kids being held back. Of course that's just my anonymous opinion, which could be wrong (to paraphrase Dennis Miller) should have zery impact on your life and decision.