Vent: I hate it when people comment on how I don't "look" like my last name

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really hate it when people look at me, then my last name, and comment on how I don't "look" like my last name. Why do people feel the need to comment on looks?? I was adopted transracially/internationally but don't feel like I should have to tell people I was adopted in order to explain the last name discrepancy. I just say my father is _____ and they can either assume I was adopted, I look more like my mother, or I married a man with the last name of ____.

That is all.

I am in similar situation as the OP but this has NEVER happened to me. DC area has lots of international adoptions and interracial marriages. So, it is common to see non-whites with European names. People just don't think twice about that. Curious, do you live in this area?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yes, I've lived in the DC area (Dupont Circle and NoVA) since 2001.

[Anonymous]

I've always had a policy that if I ever married, if I didn't like the last name I was getting, I wouldn't change my name. This is in part because I'm too lazy to spell something complicated, but also because I feel like my last name suits me and I didn't want to take on one that didn't. (My last name is WASP-y, as am I.)

I had similar experiences to you, though, when I went to GW and people always either asked me if I'm Jewish or assumed that I was. (GW has a large Jewish population.) I am not, and my ancestors weren't. I would usually just say something like, "no, I'm 3/4 German; a lot of Jews are of German descent, with Germanic features." Awkward, sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just say, "Yeah, I get that a lot" and leave it at that.

I agree with this. That is, if you are not interested in going any further.

I've spent my adult life with a very diverse group of people. I'm ridiculously white. My daughters are half hispanic.

People I know have always seemed to take diverse names and appearances as an opportunity to talk and share the wonderful things about their background. I'm the only one who never had anything interesting to add.

It's a way of getting to know someone. I understand OP's irritation at the shock her situation seems to generate. The people you are talking to are being a bit buffoon-ish about it. But it's such a great opportunity to talk about where you're from, where you've been, what was interesting or great about it.

I guess I look at diverse traits as being interesting, cool, and attractive, so I wouldn't hesitate to discuss them with someone I'm friendly with. Business acquaintances would be a different matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I've lived in the DC area (Dupont Circle and NoVA) since 2001.

I'm surprised people make that comment to you, OP. It's the DC Metro area -- I grew up here and I would never make that kind of comment. It doesn't matter to me if someone doesn't "look" like their last name. People are either adopted or they married into their last name or their grandmother married into the name, etc. I think it's obvious. I don't see why people would mention it. That would make me think that the person making the comment just moved from a small town where everyone looks the same, or from a country where it's ok for people to mention that type of thing.

Not the same thing, but I was at one of our DC airports recently with my family -- husband and 2 kids. We were all standing close together, obviously a family unit while waiting in line to hand over our tickets/passports/ids. Well, I chose to use my (American) passport even though we were travelling domestically. I never get to use it anymore, so I thought, why not? Well the sec. guard lady (white) saw our four tickets (all with the same last name) and said something to to the effect of "is there a third child"? I was like, what? She thought that I wasn't my kids' mom! I was livid. Seriously, people say the dumbest things.