Vent: I hate it when people comment on how I don't "look" like my last name

[Anonymous]

I really hate it when people look at me, then my last name, and comment on how I don't "look" like my last name. Why do people feel the need to comment on looks?? I was adopted transracially/internationally but don't feel like I should have to tell people I was adopted in order to explain the last name discrepancy. I just say my father is _____ and they can either assume I was adopted, I look more like my mother, or I married a man with the last name of ____.

That is all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really hate it when people look at me, then my last name, and comment on how I don't "look" like my last name. Why do people feel the need to comment on looks?? I was adopted transracially/internationally but don't feel like I should have to tell people I was adopted in order to explain the last name discrepancy. I just say my father is _____ and they can either assume I was adopted, I look more like my mother, or I married a man with the last name of ____.

That is all.

Thank you for reminding the clueless assholes of the world of this. People can be idiots.

[Anonymous]

OP again...What brought this up was I was at a meeting yesterday and the person I just met said this to me. I said, my father is ___ and she looked at my card and said oh, you're also a ___ (my married, very Irish last name)- good for you. I had no idea what I was being praised for!

[Anonymous]

Reminds me of the Donna Chang episode on Seinfeld...

[Anonymous]

This is why I didn't change my name when I got married. I didn't "feel" like my husband's rather waspy last name belonged to me.

[Anonymous]

People tell me I don't look like my first name...which is one of the most common (as well as non-ethnic) over the last 20 years.

I am not sure wth that means either.

[Anonymous]

I get this all of the time! "Oh, I expected you to look like, ____, because of your Italian last name." It is SO idiotic. Even worse is after I explain that, no I'm not Italian, they ask what my maiden name was. One guy told me, "Oh I see why you changed it." WTH? My maiden name is "Smith". What is wrong with that? Sure it's common, but I never had to spell it for anyone.

[Anonymous]

It's harmless banter. Not worth getting upset about or calling someone a 'clueless asshole' over. It's just a human trait -- and I'm sure you do the same or something else equally human to others that they find trivially annoying. Are we really supposed to NOT wonder about things like that? Please. What is the big deal?

[Anonymous]

It's sad this bothers you so much. It's true, you probably don't look like your last name. Last names typically tell where a person came from. It's just a comment. I don't look like my last name either. People comment on it, and while I don't always feel like explaining its origins, it's harmless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again...What brought this up was I was at a meeting yesterday and the person I just met said this to me. I said, my father is ___ and she looked at my card and said oh, you're also a ___ (my married, very Irish last name)- good for you. I had no idea what I was being praised for!

I think he was giving a compliment to your husband's family name. It sounds like he was actually not thinking about the apparent discrepancy between your looks and your last name.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I realize that this is my own sensitivity but I think the thing that bothers me is that sure, you can wonder why someone who has an Asian face has an Anglo last name, but when you ask me about it, I then have to explain something that is personal and private to me in order to satisfy your curiosity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again...What brought this up was I was at a meeting yesterday and the person I just met said this to me. I said, my father is ___ and she looked at my card and said oh, you're also a ___ (my married, very Irish last name)- good for you. I had no idea what I was being praised for!

I think he was giving a compliment to your husband's family name. It sounds like he was actually not thinking about the apparent discrepancy between your looks and your last name.

OP again- sorry, I should've been clearer. I have a hyphenated last name, so she commented first on my maiden name, and then on my husband's name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I realize that this is my own sensitivity but I think the thing that bothers me is that sure, you can wonder why someone who has an Asian face has an Anglo last name, but when you ask me about it, I then have to explain something that is personal and private to me in order to satisfy your curiosity.

That's life among other human beings. I have an adopted bi-racial child and strangers will periodically comment on how different my kids look from each other, and then I feel compelled to tell them that one is adopted. They always look embarrassed, but really, WHY??? My child IS adopted, and DOES look different from siblings. So what?

[Anonymous]

OP, that does suck--I'm sure some people may say something like that without thinking about it, but it's certainly true that it puts you in the position of having to explain your adoption or racial/national background to a random person. Depending on the situation, maybe you could just say "Well, that's my name!" If you say it with a smile, it will keep the conversation light but perhaps make the point that it's a rude comment.

[Anonymous]

14:55, how does your adopted child react to you telling people he/she was adopted? There's no shame in being adopted at all, but as an adoptee, I HATED it when my mom told people I was adopted.