Vent: I hate it when people comment on how I don't "look" like my last name

[Anonymous]

I think you have to do what Ms Manners says. If it is a question, you just say "Why do you Ask?". A comment and just say 'hmmm, or hmmm I never thought of that'. I don't think you need to explain things to people.

I sort of wish we had kept my child's Asian last name as part of his name, then he could just say my name is Jake Hoang Smith and people could assume what they wanted to about his last name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:55, how does your adopted child react to you telling people he/she was adopted? There's no shame in being adopted at all, but as an adoptee, I HATED it when my mom told people I was adopted.

He is too young to notice yet. I hope by the time he is old enough for it to register, he will have heard it so many times that it is not embarrassing or intrusive or personal, but just is the way it is. That's the theory, anyway!

[Anonymous]

OP, just say, "Yeah, I get that a lot" and leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I realize that this is my own sensitivity but I think the thing that bothers me is that sure, you can wonder why someone who has an Asian face has an Anglo last name, but when you ask me about it, I then have to explain something that is personal and private to me in order to satisfy your curiosity.

That's life among other human beings. I have an adopted bi-racial child and strangers will periodically comment on how different my kids look from each other, and then I feel compelled to tell them that one is adopted. They always look embarrassed, but really, WHY??? My child IS adopted, and DOES look different from siblings. So what?

Kind of lame for you to be reassuring random strangers at your children's expense, isn't it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's harmless banter. Not worth getting upset about or calling someone a 'clueless asshole' over. It's just a human trait -- and I'm sure you do the same or something else equally human to others that they find trivially annoying. Are we really supposed to NOT wonder about things like that? Please. What is the big deal?

I agree with this. It's not necessarily meant to be offensive. I've had this happen to me also since I took my DH's last name. Really not worth getting upset over. The person was just wondering, and expressed that wonder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I realize that this is my own sensitivity but I think the thing that bothers me is that sure, you can wonder why someone who has an Asian face has an Anglo last name, but when you ask me about it, I then have to explain something that is personal and private to me in order to satisfy your curiosity.

That's life among other human beings. I have an adopted bi-racial child and strangers will periodically comment on how different my kids look from each other, and then I feel compelled to tell them that one is adopted. They always look embarrassed, but really, WHY??? My child IS adopted, and DOES look different from siblings. So what?

Kind of lame for you to be reassuring random strangers at your children's expense, isn't it?

why is it my children's "expense"? Point being, it's not a big deal to be adopted. It's not a shameful secret. And I'm not reassuring strangers -- they always look embarrassed, like I said. (And they often say, "Oh, I was going to say that I look nothing like my sister either" or something along those lines.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
That's life among other human beings. I have an adopted bi-racial child and strangers will periodically comment on how different my kids look from each other, and then I feel compelled to tell them that one is adopted. They always look embarrassed, but really, WHY??? My child IS adopted, and DOES look different from siblings. So what?

Kind of lame for you to be reassuring random strangers at your children's expense, isn't it?

Would it be better for her to not say anything? And, imply to her kids that being 'adopted' is something to hide?

Her response isn't 'kind of lame'. You're 'kind of lame' for insinuating that she's not putting her children's needs first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I realize that this is my own sensitivity but I think the thing that bothers me is that sure, you can wonder why someone who has an Asian face has an Anglo last name, but when you ask me about it, I then have to explain something that is personal and private to me in order to satisfy your curiosity.

I feel this on many levels as an Asian American. It's like when people you just meet ask you where you were born? I want to respond, "None of your f-ing business!"

I also do not resemble my married last name, but am very surprised that nobody has mentioned it. On the other hand, my Asian cousin's Irish American wife gets random inquiries from strangers at her work. They see her photo on the work intranet and tell her that her name is incorrect in the internal directory!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I realize that this is my own sensitivity but I think the thing that bothers me is that sure, you can wonder why someone who has an Asian face has an Anglo last name, but when you ask me about it, I then have to explain something that is personal and private to me in order to satisfy your curiosity.

I feel this on many levels as an Asian American. It's like when people you just meet ask you where you were born? I want to respond, "None of your f-ing business!"

I also do not resemble my married last name, but am very surprised that nobody has mentioned it. On the other hand, my Asian cousin's Irish American wife gets random inquiries from strangers at her work. They see her photo on the work intranet and tell her that her name is incorrect in the internal directory!

And you don't understand why?

[Anonymous]

I think it is just harmless banter, with a touch of curiosity. I am Hispanic, and my maiden name is a Hispanic name. However, since I have very pale skin and dark hair, people would ask me if it was my married name. I guess I didn't meet their image of what a latina looks like.

[Anonymous]

oh it's even better when you not only don't "look like" your last name but also share the same last name as a coworker who is a different race.

"are you the wife/adopted child/relative of [coworker]??"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I realize that this is my own sensitivity but I think the thing that bothers me is that sure, you can wonder why someone who has an Asian face has an Anglo last name, but when you ask me about it, I then have to explain something that is personal and private to me in order to satisfy your curiosity.

I feel this on many levels as an Asian American. It's like when people you just meet ask you where you were born? I want to respond, "None of your f-ing business!"

I also do not resemble my married last name, but am very surprised that nobody has mentioned it. On the other hand, my Asian cousin's Irish American wife gets random inquiries from strangers at her work. They see her photo on the work intranet and tell her that her name is incorrect in the internal directory!

Wow, touchy much? In this age of political correctness, we wouldn't want to assume you were Chinese when you are Korean etc...

[Anonymous]

I get this a lot, and I've had two doctors go "Oh, I thought you were going to be Asian!", haha. It doesn't bother be much anymore, but I do have tons and tons of people ask.
I also have people tell me the stories about how their daughter in law or nephew adopted from China..while looking at my son...
AND, I never ever had a "random check" at airports until I changed my last name.

[Anonymous]

I get this a lot because I took my husband's name -- people assume that I am like some kind of raging Irish person and one time I actually had someone say to me "You must get a lot of free beer on St. Patrick's day with your name!" Irish people treat me like I'm in their "club" when I'm actually mostly French.

[Anonymous]

not sure why this would bother anyone. its small-talk, and it is what people do to break the ice, etc. I'm guessing anyone this bothers has poor social skills ....