My MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oh honey... that was nice. be glad you arent dealing with a crazy pants inlaw. be advice - do not give that email a second thought. in fact id respond nicely and say something like "already thought about that - thanks! bringing dish x would help out, cant wait to see you!"

The e-mail would have annoyed the hell out of me too but it wasn't that bad. I would respond with something like PP said. FWIW my mother annoys the hell out of me all the time because she LOVES to state the obvious. It's to the point where I sometimes wonder if she thinks I'm stupid or something. . .

[Anonymous]

"The e-mail would have annoyed the hell out of me too but it wasn't that bad. I would respond with something like PP said. FWIW my mother annoys the hell out of me all the time because she LOVES to state the obvious. It's to the point where I sometimes wonder if she thinks I'm stupid or something. . . "

Ditto, the HELPFUL shit is very annoying.

[Anonymous]

I can see being a little bit annoyed by the email, but in your shoes I would have said this:

HI MIL,

How sweet of you to think of sharing your tip! I love stuffing too and think the turkey stock "makes" it. I do plan to make a side of vegetarian stuffing as well as many other veggie dishes. Nobody goes hungry at my table! Would you like me to share the list of vegetarian options I sent to SIL last week?

Looking forward to seeing you,

DIL

PS. If you've got a special knack for the veggie stuffing, I'd be delighted to have you bring yours. Let me know!


Passive - aggressive sucks, but she was probably trying to help and was looking out for people who might appreciate it. People aren't perfect, and don't always know how to wrap their intentions in the best language, but it's likely (or at least possible) her heart was in the right place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see being a little bit annoyed by the email, but in your shoes I would have said this:

HI MIL,

How sweet of you to think of sharing your tip! I love stuffing too and think the turkey stock "makes" it. I do plan to make a side of vegetarian stuffing as well as many other veggie dishes. Nobody goes hungry at my table! Would you like me to share the list of vegetarian options I sent to SIL last week?

Looking forward to seeing you,

DIL

PS. If you've got a special knack for the veggie stuffing, I'd be delighted to have you bring yours. Let me know!


Passive - aggressive sucks, but she was probably trying to help and was looking out for people who might appreciate it. People aren't perfect, and don't always know how to wrap their intentions in the best language, but it's likely (or at least possible) her heart was in the right place.

I don't see anything passive or aggressive about it. She isn't being passive, she is being direct. She's not being aggressive, she's just making a suggestion. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"The e-mail would have annoyed the hell out of me too but it wasn't that bad. I would respond with something like PP said. FWIW my mother annoys the hell out of me all the time because she LOVES to state the obvious. It's to the point where I sometimes wonder if she thinks I'm stupid or something. . . "

Ditto, the HELPFUL shit is very annoying.

It's not helpful if you were already going to do it anyway-it's stating the obvious and implying that OP doesn't know better. It's very condescending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, this is my first MIL rant on here. Background: My husband and I are hosting Thanksgiving this year as we have every year since 2007. My BIL's wife and their daughter are vegetarians. Of course I know this, as my BIL and his wife were married in 2005 and their daughter was born in 2007. I was highly annoyed by this email my MIL sent me over the weekend:

I just wanted to share that when I make stuffing/dressing now I use vegetable broth instead of turkey or chicken broth. Of course you should make yours any way you want, but using vegetable broth means there is one more dish that vegetarians can eat! (I am presuming you will be making stuffing which is my favorite part of the whole holiday meal. If not, I would be glad to bring some.)

We are so looking forward to Thanksgiving at your house. Let us know when you decide what time you would like for us to appear.

Love, XXX

AHHH!!! Ok, I feel better now.

Sorry, I don't see anything wrong with her email. She is sharing her method, acknowledging you can do what you want, and offering to bring stuffing if you like. Not sure what the problem is.

Agreed. OP, what is your problem? It's not like you're being asked to served Tofurkey instead of Turkey. But, a little extra for the vegetarians (who are FAMILY) would be nice. Not only is it not that difficult, but it is good manners.
Get a grip, will you?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm the 9.20 vegetarian poster who said I would've been happy had my MIL send that email. Anyway, I was just thinking that only you know whether your MIL was truly being passive-aggressive or just being helpful and kind in an unnecessary way. We don't know the history btwn you and MIL. Maybe MIL has a track record of being p-a, in which case I can see why that would annoy you. If not, then I would consider her email a thoughtful (if a bit unneeded) gesture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see being a little bit annoyed by the email, but in your shoes I would have said this:

HI MIL,

How sweet of you to think of sharing your tip! I love stuffing too and think the turkey stock "makes" it. I do plan to make a side of vegetarian stuffing as well as many other veggie dishes. Nobody goes hungry at my table! Would you like me to share the list of vegetarian options I sent to SIL last week?

Looking forward to seeing you,

DIL

PS. If you've got a special knack for the veggie stuffing, I'd be delighted to have you bring yours. Let me know!


Passive - aggressive sucks, but she was probably trying to help and was looking out for people who might appreciate it. People aren't perfect, and don't always know how to wrap their intentions in the best language, but it's likely (or at least possible) her heart was in the right place.

I don't see anything passive or aggressive about it. She isn't being passive, she is being direct. She's not being aggressive, she's just making a suggestion. Sheesh.

I think direct would be "If you use veggie broth, Tim and Sally will eat your stuffing." The whole "you should of course make yours any way you want but..." just sounds clumsy to me, like MIL doesn't want to just come out and say "please make the stuffing vegetarian." Or MIL could have said "hey, is your stuffing veggie-friendly? If not, I thought I'd offer to bring something that Becky and Mike will eat. Lemme know!"

I don't get why families have to stand on ceremony with one another like this. Anyway, I agreed with you anyway, that it's overkill to be really annoyed by this, unless MIL has a pattern of being passive-aggro about things.

[Anonymous]

OP- at least she's coming- we are doing a family trip - no family gathering.. i used to think that avoiding the family was better but now we have no choice (medical issues on ILs) and I know there aren't that many years.. this is so MINOR..

[Anonymous]

I wonder if there more history to this story than just the email. There probably is a history of bad blood between OP and her MIL and that is what set her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see being a little bit annoyed by the email, but in your shoes I would have said this:

HI MIL,

How sweet of you to think of sharing your tip! I love stuffing too and think the turkey stock "makes" it. I do plan to make a side of vegetarian stuffing as well as many other veggie dishes. Nobody goes hungry at my table! Would you like me to share the list of vegetarian options I sent to SIL last week?

Looking forward to seeing you,

DIL

PS. If you've got a special knack for the veggie stuffing, I'd be delighted to have you bring yours. Let me know!


Passive - aggressive sucks, but she was probably trying to help and was looking out for people who might appreciate it. People aren't perfect, and don't always know how to wrap their intentions in the best language, but it's likely (or at least possible) her heart was in the right place.

I don't see anything passive or aggressive about it. She isn't being passive, she is being direct. She's not being aggressive, she's just making a suggestion. Sheesh.

I think direct would be "If you use veggie broth, Tim and Sally will eat your stuffing." The whole "you should of course make yours any way you want but..." just sounds clumsy to me, like MIL doesn't want to just come out and say "please make the stuffing vegetarian." Or MIL could have said "hey, is your stuffing veggie-friendly? If not, I thought I'd offer to bring something that Becky and Mike will eat. Lemme know!"

I don't get why families have to stand on ceremony with one another like this. Anyway, I agreed with you anyway, that it's overkill to be really annoyed by this, unless MIL has a pattern of being passive-aggro about things.

This is really qubbling with word choice. Her overall message was not aggressive or passive agressive. If she said, "here's an email from Martha Stewart on how to make vegetarian stuffing, boy it sure would be nice if we knew people who can make that stuff" or, "I sure do wish we were having that for dinner", that would be indirectly stating what she wants. MIL in this case is being direct while acknowledging it is DIL'[s decision.

You all are way overanalyzing/over nit picking.

[Anonymous]

That email would have annoyed me. I do see it as passive aggressive and condescending. But my MIL does crap like that all the time and resets the table after I set it.

Hosting Thanksgiving is stressful. Just be helpful, no need to criticize.

I'm with you OP.

[Anonymous]

It's passive aggressive.

[Anonymous]

In the annals of MIL transgressions, this is nothing. It is totally manageable. It started and ended with that email. For all OP knows, she is not perfect and BIL said something to his mother. Good grief. Give thanks your MIL is not a monster, OP.

[Anonymous]

I really don't think many of you knwo what it means to be "passive aggressive" and just use it as a synonym for "annoying MIL."

passive aggressive: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness)


The MIL here is none of these things. She isn't saying she'll do soemthing and not doing it. She isn't taking a position and failing to bend. She isn't displaying any resentment toward the DIL that I can detect. She is, at worst, making a suggestion about how to make a dish vegetarian b/c she does not feel confident that the DIL will think to do it.

Seems to me that being mildly offended at the lack of confidence is the extent of the way I would feel as a DIL.