Kid overheard terrible fight and asked if we are getting divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you handled it okay, especially given that you were caught off guard and trying to respond in the moment.
At 10, kids are very quick to go to “are you getting divorced?” when they hear crying or feel tension between parents.

Your response was appropriate for her age—you kept it simple, reassured her, and didn’t give her adult details, which is really what she needed in that moment.
That said, I do think it’s important to be mindful going forward about that level of emotional exposure when possible—not because you did something “wrong,” but because what she walked in on is likely to stick with her more than the reassurance itself.

My daughter turned 10 in January, and she doesn’t even know what the word “divorce” means yet (we try to limit adult topics) but she would absolutely pick up on ongoing tension or emotional distance between me and her dad. At 10, kids know what’s already going on, so she likely already knew what was going on.

Growing up, my stepdad was emotionally abusive, and a few times physically abusive toward my SAHM—mocking her, insulting her, calling her names, and constantly angry and rude to her and us almost everyday. She never cried in front of us, but I still remember being 17 or 18 and still feeling really hurt and affected by the arguments. It definitely felt like one of the worst parts of childhood.
So, I really think you shouldn’t argue in front of the young kid if you can help it. In terms of your actual response to your daughter in the moment, I think you did okay—you reassured her and kept it age-appropriate. Be ready for more questions she might have later.

This isn't the 50s; your daughter knows what the word divorce means.

[Anonymous]

In addition to clarifying along the lines recommended by other commenters, l would leave some space in the conversation for your daughter to communicate that maybe she is asking because she's trying to decide if divorce could be a better situation for her, given how upset your fighting is making her.

A fight like that isn't harmless for other children in the home.

[Anonymous]

10-12 yo she is already seeing her father is not involved or caring.

So yes try to minimize fighting and only high level correct situations with her around. But she may need or want an individual therapist if there is tension or she’s wise enough to know you are covering for a delinquent father. She knows the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If possible do marital and/or family therapy.

Not with an abusive spouse who threatens divorce to shut down a discussion.

Get individual therapy and do a few lawyer consults, get your financials and options in order.

A checked out spouse with kids is a nightmare - married, divorced or coparenting.

[Anonymous]

When kids are in middle school and hanging out with their friends or sleepovers or functions, they’ll start noticing how other kids’ parents interact with each other. Then they’ll suspect something is off at their home.

Or when their dad does that Jekyll and Hyde thing—- quiet and neglectful at home but boisterous and fake outside the home or when outsiders visit. The masking is terrible to realize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you handled it okay, especially given that you were caught off guard and trying to respond in the moment.
At 10, kids are very quick to go to “are you getting divorced?” when they hear crying or feel tension between parents.

Your response was appropriate for her age—you kept it simple, reassured her, and didn’t give her adult details, which is really what she needed in that moment.
That said, I do think it’s important to be mindful going forward about that level of emotional exposure when possible—not because you did something “wrong,” but because what she walked in on is likely to stick with her more than the reassurance itself.

My daughter turned 10 in January, and she doesn’t even know what the word “divorce” means yet (we try to limit adult topics) but she would absolutely pick up on ongoing tension or emotional distance between me and her dad. At 10, kids know what’s already going on, so she likely already knew what was going on.

Growing up, my stepdad was emotionally abusive, and a few times physically abusive toward my SAHM—mocking her, insulting her, calling her names, and constantly angry and rude to her and us almost everyday. She never cried in front of us, but I still remember being 17 or 18 and still feeling really hurt and affected by the arguments. It definitely felt like one of the worst parts of childhood.
So, I really think you shouldn’t argue in front of the young kid if you can help it. In terms of your actual response to your daughter in the moment, I think you did okay—you reassured her and kept it age-appropriate. Be ready for more questions she might have later.

This isn't the 50s; your daughter knows what the word divorce means.

+1
Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you handled it okay, especially given that you were caught off guard and trying to respond in the moment.
At 10, kids are very quick to go to “are you getting divorced?” when they hear crying or feel tension between parents.

Your response was appropriate for her age—you kept it simple, reassured her, and didn’t give her adult details, which is really what she needed in that moment.
That said, I do think it’s important to be mindful going forward about that level of emotional exposure when possible—not because you did something “wrong,” but because what she walked in on is likely to stick with her more than the reassurance itself.

My daughter turned 10 in January, and she doesn’t even know what the word “divorce” means yet (we try to limit adult topics) but she would absolutely pick up on ongoing tension or emotional distance between me and her dad. At 10, kids know what’s already going on, so she likely already knew what was going on.

Growing up, my stepdad was emotionally abusive, and a few times physically abusive toward my SAHM—mocking her, insulting her, calling her names, and constantly angry and rude to her and us almost everyday. She never cried in front of us, but I still remember being 17 or 18 and still feeling really hurt and affected by the arguments. It definitely felt like one of the worst parts of childhood.
So, I really think you shouldn’t argue in front of the young kid if you can help it. In terms of your actual response to your daughter in the moment, I think you did okay—you reassured her and kept it age-appropriate. Be ready for more questions she might have later.

I'm sorry, what? Your child has NO friends whose parents are divorced? I find that very hard to believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Telling her outright you are not getting divorced (when he’s contemplating divorcing you), was not honest.

I think she sensed that.

I agree. In the moment, I get it, but if your husband is actually contemplating divorce then I think you may be doing her a disservice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely not have promised my kid that something I know is a real possibility won't happen. I realize you didn't actually promise that you won't get divorced but you phrased it in a way that a child would have heard it as "I promise we won't get divorced". If you do end up divorcing your kid will need to know they can trust you to be honest.

Having said that, it sounds like you were caught off guard, and it's hard to come up with answers on the spot. I probably would have started with an apology, and an acknowledgement that it's scary to be woken up by people fighting. In addition to being true and well deserved, it would have bought me time to think.

I think this part of what you said is perfect:

"Sometimes grownups argue. We were both really frustrated and upset but we are fine."

and might have said something "We're working to communicate better so fights don't happen. I'm not going to make promises, but we are not planning to divorce." Or something.

Our kids have asked because their friends have dealt with parents divorcing. We tell them that we love each other very much but that we are two different people and sometimes we disagree. We do not yell at each other, we do not curse, we do not throw things, but of course sometimes they can tell if we're in disagreement. We tell them that every day we wake up and choose to stay married to each other and work through our differences with love and respect - the same thing we expect with respect to our children. I would rate our marriage very solid and safe but I would never promise my kids we wouldn't ever divorce. I don't want them to think I lie to them.