Kid overheard terrible fight and asked if we are getting divorced.

[Anonymous]

My 10 year old just work up to me crying in a argument with my husband. He has checked out of our marriage and I know he’s contemplating divorce. My kid heard me crying and saying “you’re breaking me heart.” Dramatic, I know.

She asked if we are getting divorced. I told her “no, sometimes grownups argue. We were both really frustrated and upset but we are fine.” She said, “do you promise you’re not getting divorced?” I responded with “sometimes grownups argue and it doesn’t mean they’re getting divorced. I promise that.”

Should I have handled it differently?

[Anonymous]

I think you handled it okay, especially given that you were caught off guard and trying to respond in the moment.
At 10, kids are very quick to go to “are you getting divorced?” when they hear crying or feel tension between parents.

Your response was appropriate for her age—you kept it simple, reassured her, and didn’t give her adult details, which is really what she needed in that moment.
That said, I do think it’s important to be mindful going forward about that level of emotional exposure when possible—not because you did something “wrong,” but because what she walked in on is likely to stick with her more than the reassurance itself.

My daughter turned 10 in January, and she doesn’t even know what the word “divorce” means yet (we try to limit adult topics) but she would absolutely pick up on ongoing tension or emotional distance between me and her dad. At 10, kids know what’s already going on, so she likely already knew what was going on.

Growing up, my stepdad was emotionally abusive, and a few times physically abusive toward my SAHM—mocking her, insulting her, calling her names, and constantly angry and rude to her and us almost everyday. She never cried in front of us, but I still remember being 17 or 18 and still feeling really hurt and affected by the arguments. It definitely felt like one of the worst parts of childhood.
So, I really think you shouldn’t argue in front of the young kid if you can help it. In terms of your actual response to your daughter in the moment, I think you did okay—you reassured her and kept it age-appropriate. Be ready for more questions she might have later.

[Anonymous]

Telling her outright you are not getting divorced (when he’s contemplating divorcing you), was not honest.

I think she sensed that.

[Anonymous]

More context of what was said and then we can correct you or your husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you handled it okay, especially given that you were caught off guard and trying to respond in the moment.
At 10, kids are very quick to go to “are you getting divorced?” when they hear crying or feel tension between parents.

Your response was appropriate for her age—you kept it simple, reassured her, and didn’t give her adult details, which is really what she needed in that moment.
That said, I do think it’s important to be mindful going forward about that level of emotional exposure when possible—not because you did something “wrong,” but because what she walked in on is likely to stick with her more than the reassurance itself.

My daughter turned 10 in January, and she doesn’t even know what the word “divorce” means yet (we try to limit adult topics) but she would absolutely pick up on ongoing tension or emotional distance between me and her dad. At 10, kids know what’s already going on, so she likely already knew what was going on.

Growing up, my stepdad was emotionally abusive, and a few times physically abusive toward my SAHM—mocking her, insulting her, calling her names, and constantly angry and rude to her and us almost everyday. She never cried in front of us, but I still remember being 17 or 18 and still feeling really hurt and affected by the arguments. It definitely felt like one of the worst parts of childhood.
So, I really think you shouldn’t argue in front of the young kid if you can help it. In terms of your actual response to your daughter in the moment, I think you did okay—you reassured her and kept it age-appropriate. Be ready for more questions she might have later.

Has she never met a kid with divorced parents? My 9 year old has known two, so she has know roughly what divorce is since she was 7 (your parents live in separate homes and you go back and forth on a schedule -- kids mostly care about what divorce means for them). She also knows that her friend whose parents have 50/50 shared custody is harder to hang out with because her mom lives much further away. But her other friend's parents don't have 50/50 so she goes to her dad's house only ever other weekend and it doesn't impact the friendship.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely not have promised my kid that something I know is a real possibility won't happen. I realize you didn't actually promise that you won't get divorced but you phrased it in a way that a child would have heard it as "I promise we won't get divorced". If you do end up divorcing your kid will need to know they can trust you to be honest.

Having said that, it sounds like you were caught off guard, and it's hard to come up with answers on the spot. I probably would have started with an apology, and an acknowledgement that it's scary to be woken up by people fighting. In addition to being true and well deserved, it would have bought me time to think.

I think this part of what you said is perfect:

"Sometimes grownups argue. We were both really frustrated and upset but we are fine."

and might have said something "We're working to communicate better so fights don't happen. I'm not going to make promises, but we are not planning to divorce." Or something.

[Anonymous]

I think you handled it ok in the moment. That said, 10 year olds understand and pick up a lot more than they let on.

And to PP who thinks your 10 yo doesn't know what divorce means, you are delusional. Does your kid have no friends/classmates whose parents are divorced? I doubt it.

Similarly, avoiding "adult topics" is a huge disservice. Your kid can read, they hear things at home, at school. At this age, they're not great at interpreting things. Left to their own devices, they will blame themselves.

All this to say OP, the only thing I'd add is to thank your 10yo for coming to you with their worries and tell them you will answer their questions as best you can.

[Anonymous]

My 10 year old just work up to me crying in an argument with my husband. He has checked out of our marriage and I know he’s contemplating divorce. My kid heard me crying and saying “you’re breaking me heart.” Dramatic, I know.

I think you handled it the best you could in the moment. I just want to point out what’s going on here. Your husband is disconnecting from the family and causing emotional distress to you and your children without regard for the consequences, leaving you to clean up the mess. That’s a harbinger of what’s to come. You sound like a loving mother and you want to focus on how this is affecting your child, but don’t take your eye off the ball. This is a fraction of the difficulties that may be coming down the road, and I would start adopting a mentality of protection and some anger. This guy is hurting your (and his) child with careless behavior. If a marriage is truly over, there’s a way to responsibly end it. Not light the place on fire on the way out the door. I’d start copying documents if I were you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you handled it okay, especially given that you were caught off guard and trying to respond in the moment.
At 10, kids are very quick to go to “are you getting divorced?” when they hear crying or feel tension between parents.

Your response was appropriate for her age—you kept it simple, reassured her, and didn’t give her adult details, which is really what she needed in that moment.
That said, I do think it’s important to be mindful going forward about that level of emotional exposure when possible—not because you did something “wrong,” but because what she walked in on is likely to stick with her more than the reassurance itself.

My daughter turned 10 in January, and she doesn’t even know what the word “divorce” means yet (we try to limit adult topics) but she would absolutely pick up on ongoing tension or emotional distance between me and her dad. At 10, kids know what’s already going on, so she likely already knew what was going on.

Growing up, my stepdad was emotionally abusive, and a few times physically abusive toward my SAHM—mocking her, insulting her, calling her names, and constantly angry and rude to her and us almost everyday. She never cried in front of us, but I still remember being 17 or 18 and still feeling really hurt and affected by the arguments. It definitely felt like one of the worst parts of childhood.
So, I really think you shouldn’t argue in front of the young kid if you can help it. In terms of your actual response to your daughter in the moment, I think you did okay—you reassured her and kept it age-appropriate. Be ready for more questions she might have later.

At 10, you're doing her a disservice. She's going to start to learn and hear things from classmates and that can be confusing and embarrassing when she has no idea what they are talking about.

[Anonymous]

"sometimes grownups argue"

No, learn to talk out conflict like grown adults do, do not yell or fight in front of the kids. You're harming your children who will then think this is a "normal" way to live when it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you handled it ok in the moment. That said, 10 year olds understand and pick up a lot more than they let on.

And to PP who thinks your 10 yo doesn't know what divorce means, you are delusional. Does your kid have no friends/classmates whose parents are divorced? I doubt it.

Similarly, avoiding "adult topics" is a huge disservice. Your kid can read, they hear things at home, at school. At this age, they're not great at interpreting things. Left to their own devices, they will blame themselves.

All this to say OP, the only thing I'd add is to thank your 10yo for coming to you with their worries and tell them you will answer their questions as best you can.

Oh my goodness, yes. There are adult concerns, details, emotions that children don't need to know about. But as far as topics go, I think my kids and I have covered pretty much everything in an age appropriate way.

[Anonymous]

OP you lied.
Especially since you’re aware a divorce is going to happen and soon.

How will you lie to your child about that?

[Anonymous]

You absolutely should not have promised that you would not get divorced when you know that it’s a complete possibility.

[Anonymous]

Never lie to your kids. They won't trust you ever again.

[Anonymous]

Get your DH and both talk to her together about being sorry for not handling your conflict in a more mature manner and wow to try to do better in future situations.

This would give him a better understanding of gravity of this matter. Also you need to be in better control of your emotions no matter if marriage continues or ends.