Kid overheard terrible fight and asked if we are getting divorced.

[Anonymous]

If possible do marital and/or family therapy.

[Anonymous]

Don’t beat yourself up, this is a tough time. However, discuss effects of a a tensed household and divorce on children with your husband in presence of his parents, clergy, counselor or someone sensible.

[Anonymous]

Only you and your husband can know if you and your husband are truly committed to each other, and you can show that commitment to your children by the way you live every day.

Seeing you fight and not split is a good thing to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"sometimes grownups argue"

No, learn to talk out conflict like grown adults do, do not yell or fight in front of the kids. You're harming your children who will then think this is a "normal" way to live when it isn't.

You're harming your children by lying about how people actually behave. Humans aren't angels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 10 year old just work up to me crying in a argument with my husband. He has checked out of our marriage and I know he’s contemplating divorce. My kid heard me crying and saying “you’re breaking me heart.” Dramatic, I know.

She asked if we are getting divorced. I told her “no, sometimes grownups argue. We were both really frustrated and upset but we are fine.” She said, “do you promise you’re not getting divorced?” I responded with “sometimes grownups argue and it doesn’t mean they’re getting divorced. I promise that.”

Should I have handled it differently?

You need to apologize for your lie immediately.

It's going to be so much worse if your kid discovered that you were gaslighting them for 6 months.

[Anonymous]

What I'd have said is that adults argue, and then try to resolve things. If we get divorced it won't be because of you and it won't mean we love you any less. You don't divorce children.

[Anonymous]

its often 2 to tango

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:its often 2 to tango

What possible use could you think this comment is?

[Anonymous]

I think you handled things the best way you knew how at the time.

I would just try to keep marital arguments in the future under wraps though.

I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:its often 2 to tango

What possible use could you think this comment is?

Not my comment but arguments are rarely one sided, regardless of who is right and who is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Telling her outright you are not getting divorced (when he’s contemplating divorcing you), was not honest.

I think she sensed that.

+1. If you get divorced, you will lose her trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I'd have said is that adults argue, and then try to resolve things. If we get divorced it won't be because of you and it won't mean we love you any less. You don't divorce children.

The first line was perfect and enough.

[Anonymous]

My dad did this and I knew he was lying , just could tell. I was about 10.

Go back to her, say that you wanted to talk to her about her feelings, that it was probably scary what she heard . Sometimes adults fight, sometimes relationships are really hard and that you and dad are trying to work through things and while you had promised her you would get divorced the truth is that you and dad are just working through things and trying to figure it out. Allow her to ask questions, express fears and validate her feelings . and let her know that no matter what happens you are both there for her. And maybe get a therapist lined up.

You also need to discuss either your husband and table fights when she is around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only you and your husband can know if you and your husband are truly committed to each other, and you can show that commitment to your children by the way you live every day.

Seeing you fight and not split is a good thing to see.

It’s only good if it’s what my grandma called a “nice fight” and if the kid sees the parents make up. This wasn’t either of those things.

[Anonymous]

Please do couples therapy and fight less dramatically. I grew up experiencing one of these fights almost every weekend and it was traumatizing.