Vacations with other families

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don’t vacation with non-family members because we like to chill and generally fly by the seat of our pants during vacation. Why do you want to do something that stresses you?

This is us.

Plus I like being naked as much as possible on vacation.

Free the bu$h

And thankfully my husband prefers a full one.

[Anonymous]

If he’s drinking to the point where people don’t want to be around him, that’s drinking too much.

When I think of people who are “a lot”, it’s more in a “can’t shut up about his favorite sports team” kind of way. With that kind of “too much” I can change the subject or leave the room. With an alcoholic on the trip, I’m scared for my own family and have wasted my vacation time and money.

[Anonymous]

Ive done it but no shared housing or cars like a PP said. I just need my space. DD is an only though so weve taken friends with us to the beach for her. This year we are going to the beach the same week as another family. We will do stuff with them but retreat to our own homes as well.

[Anonymous]

That's about your husband's unhealthy relationship with alcohol, which won't be solved by avoiding vacations with other families.

Anyway, we have done several beach and ski trips with other families over the years. When issues came up, they were mostly about the kids' behavior and differences in parenting style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s drinking to the point where people don’t want to be around him, that’s drinking too much.

When I think of people who are “a lot”, it’s more in a “can’t shut up about his favorite sports team” kind of way. With that kind of “too much” I can change the subject or leave the room. With an alcoholic on the trip, I’m scared for my own family and have wasted my vacation time and money.

This. We once had a horrible experience with a guest at our beach house who was 24-hours into a bender when he snapped at my DS for waking him up (he was passed out on the patio midday), and I finally had to ask his lovely partner to take him home. As you can imagine, he has not been invited back and never will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to do this with our family and always feel on edge because I never know if they are going to get the best version of DH or the worst. So either happy and charming, or drinking and over the top. Anyone else feel like this? I need to accept that I cannot control the behavior of others but it is hard.

Yes. But my spouse is in the spectrum so runs out of gas to socialize more than two days. Then he turns to work, to hide, and waking up super early / going to bed late, and just popping in for chosen meal or one hour with his family or the other.

Needless to say, the conversations are lacking too. And we don’t get invited back. Meanwhile I’m running around cooking, tidying, and doing kid stuff solo.

This.

DH pops in and out when he is feeling up to it. He picks and chooses and only does the fun stuff. Meanwhile, when things don’t go perfectly, DH has his autistic meltdowns/ tantrums. I take care of all the hard grunt work… meals, organization, cleaning, etc. Our kids are not easy… They are Neurodiverse too, so it can be tough for them to just blend in with other kids. This is before you take into account that I’m packing days before because I have to pack for all three kids, and DH just worries about himself and throws a bunch of stuff in the suitcase a few hours before we leave. Then, when we get home, I am organizing again, doing laundry all day, while his unpacking is just putting away his toiletries. So, DH has this memory of a fun vacation where he did fun stuff and relaxed. My memories are very different. Which is why I don’t love vacations, despite loving travel myself, whether or not they are with other families. Come to think of it, this is not just on vacation, it’s our whole life. But it is magnified on vacations.

[Anonymous]

Marry functioning adults who can put up with it for a few days to make their kids and spouses happy. Sometimes you put up with them and do vacations just as a family. He isn’t the only one who matters, you and kids do too and having some social life is healthy for kids to watch and learn healthy social behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Seeing your dad being obnoxious, drunk and rude isn’t a good lesson in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to do this with our family and always feel on edge because I never know if they are going to get the best version of DH or the worst. So either happy and charming, or drinking and over the top. Anyone else feel like this? I need to accept that I cannot control the behavior of others but it is hard.

Yes. But my spouse is in the spectrum so runs out of gas to socialize more than two days. Then he turns to work, to hide, and waking up super early / going to bed late, and just popping in for chosen meal or one hour with his family or the other.

Needless to say, the conversations are lacking too. And we don’t get invited back. Meanwhile I’m running around cooking, tidying, and doing kid stuff solo.

This.

DH pops in and out when he is feeling up to it. He picks and chooses and only does the fun stuff. Meanwhile, when things don’t go perfectly, DH has his autistic meltdowns/ tantrums. I take care of all the hard grunt work… meals, organization, cleaning, etc. Our kids are not easy… They are Neurodiverse too, so it can be tough for them to just blend in with other kids. This is before you take into account that I’m packing days before because I have to pack for all three kids, and DH just worries about himself and throws a bunch of stuff in the suitcase a few hours before we leave. Then, when we get home, I am organizing again, doing laundry all day, while his unpacking is just putting away his toiletries. So, DH has this memory of a fun vacation where he did fun stuff and relaxed. My memories are very different. Which is why I don’t love vacations, despite loving travel myself, whether or not they are with other families. Come to think of it, this is not just on vacation, it’s our whole life. But it is magnified on vacations.

I hear you. I do the same.

I married into an aspergers family. They never took vacations or did organized sports or went out for dinner or had any family holiday traditions beyond a meal with others (ie no bday cakes, few presents if any for Xmas). It was all a “waste of money”. I also know now it’s because they could not handle it. None of them could plan, pack, order off a menu, or conversate.

I mainly take our kids and asd husband on trips with other families, because everything is more normal. My asd spouse hides and then pops in to preform at a bbq or boat ride. The kids are starting to get older and you’ve dads split personalities - unengaged when with us, performative when with others in short spurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marry functioning adults who can put up with it for a few days to make their kids and spouses happy. Sometimes you put up with them and do vacations just as a family. He isn’t the only one who matters, you and kids do too and having some social life is healthy for kids to watch and learn healthy social behaviors.

“Putting up with a vacation” that your spouse planned and executed is still not being a spouse or father or engaged.

Tag along dads are only that. For their ego and image, and so others think it’s a family.

[Anonymous]

OPs dude needs to curtail the alcohol in trips and weekly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marry functioning adults who can put up with it for a few days to make their kids and spouses happy. Sometimes you put up with them and do vacations just as a family. He isn’t the only one who matters, you and kids do too and having some social life is healthy for kids to watch and learn healthy social behaviors.

“Putting up with a vacation” that your spouse planned and executed is still not being a spouse or father or engaged.

Tag along dads are only that. For their ego and image, and so others think it’s a family.

100% but compared to OP’s husband here, even tag along option looks better for making some effort.

[Anonymous]

If someone can’t manage their autism and alcoholism enough to act as a husband, a father and do occasional trips with friends and family, they need to step up with whatever is needed to make it work, therapy, medication, rehabilitation or whatever to achieve self discipline of an average adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sucks being too poor to afford to go on vacation just with your own family.

In my experience, a vacation with another family is just as expensive.

Then why on Earth would anyone ever do it? It sounds like the stupidest thing in the world to me. Unless of course it's used as a cover by people who are cheating or something. But that's even worse.

DP but I agree about the expense being just as high in what we've done. I didn't enjoy the people who are very set in their ways, including difficult kids but our own kids have the time of their lives. I still won't do it again though and we've had good experiences over all, Im just happier on my own schedule and I like more sightseeing than most.

[Anonymous]

Your husband has a problem with alcohol.
He needs to address that .. Not you.