Asking about allergy severity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... to all of the responders saying you need to know so you would know how much to clean or what to serve, I am not talking about going to someone's home. I am talking about people using this as casual chatter at the playground. No food is being served. And for those who say severities vary, maybe but you also cannot say when or where an allergy can become more severe. My DC was previously able to go inside middle eastern restaurants and one day, we went inside to buy tamarind juices and he started getting hives just from sesame being in the air. It is not a think that is set and stays, it is always changing. That is why you should always be vigilant and never treat allergies flippantly which is what I feel people asking about severity are trying to do.

But why can't you literally just say that when people ask? Why do you assume they are asking in bad faith.

Like from this anecdote, what I've learned is that YOU thought your child's allergies were less severe for a time, and would engage in a behavior (going into a restaurant where sesame seeds and oils are commonly used) based on that belief. But you were wrong and learned his allergy is more severe than you thought.

Do you think that before you learned this, you were secretly being judgmental of people who were more restrictive with their kids allergies? Or were you just making a choice based on the info you had that you believed to be safe for your family, and then you got more info that changed your thinking and behavior? My guess is the latter -- you were always doing your best, and you got another data point that shifted your thinking.

So why not extend that same grace to other people and assume they are just looking for data points to understand your child's allergies so that it can help guide their own behavior, whether it's being extra careful not to include anything with sesame seeds or oil in a playground snack (which you should know from experience does take some intentionality) or reminding their kid not to share food, or whatever. They are looking to understand so that they can do the right things, not to sit around and judge you. And if they are going to sit around and judge you, they don't need to ask you questions to do so -- I've found judgmental people rarely ask follow up questions because they prefer to make up their own facts to better serve their sense of superiority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, you're nuts. You "feel" that people who ask are trying to minimize allergies, despite all the posters saying the exact opposite. Go ahead and be offended, I guess, but I don't see how that's helpful.

There examples were all related to having someone in their home, not related to idle chatter. That's the difference.

They could be trying to figure out whether to invite your kids over or not. It’s a valid question even if it’s not currently the situation your kids are in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here... to all of the responders saying you need to know so you would know how much to clean or what to serve, I am not talking about going to someone's home. I am talking about people using this as casual chatter at the playground. No food is being served. And for those who say severities vary, maybe but you also cannot say when or where an allergy can become more severe. My DC was previously able to go inside middle eastern restaurants and one day, we went inside to buy tamarind juices and he started getting hives just from sesame being in the air. It is not a think that is set and stays, it is always changing. That is why you should always be vigilant and never treat allergies flippantly which is what I feel people asking about severity are trying to do.

But why can't you literally just say that when people ask? Why do you assume they are asking in bad faith.

Like from this anecdote, what I've learned is that YOU thought your child's allergies were less severe for a time, and would engage in a behavior (going into a restaurant where sesame seeds and oils are commonly used) based on that belief. But you were wrong and learned his allergy is more severe than you thought.

Do you think that before you learned this, you were secretly being judgmental of people who were more restrictive with their kids allergies? Or were you just making a choice based on the info you had that you believed to be safe for your family, and then you got more info that changed your thinking and behavior? My guess is the latter -- you were always doing your best, and you got another data point that shifted your thinking.

So why not extend that same grace to other people and assume they are just looking for data points to understand your child's allergies so that it can help guide their own behavior, whether it's being extra careful not to include anything with sesame seeds or oil in a playground snack (which you should know from experience does take some intentionality) or reminding their kid not to share food, or whatever. They are looking to understand so that they can do the right things, not to sit around and judge you. And if they are going to sit around and judge you, they don't need to ask you questions to do so -- I've found judgmental people rarely ask follow up questions because they prefer to make up their own facts to better serve their sense of superiority.

100% they’re trying to look out for your kids in any situation. They might be interacting with them in. It’s a kind question. And while it can be exhausting explaining things, it’s worth that conversation every time.

They are extending kindness and trying to understand something that they don’t have enough information about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I am being overly sensitive but when someone asks me about the severity of dc’s allergies, it bothers me.

Two reasons, one because allergies don’t work that way / one time dc could have hives the next time anaphylaxis; two because it just seems flippant like they are trying to minimize things. I just respond with oh it’s hard to tell but it’s best to stay vigilant. One of my dc had anaphylaxis to a food she had eaten many times and this was her first reaction to that food ever. Thank god we already had epi pens for other known allergies but it was very scary so maybe that’s where my sensitivity comes from.

Are others bothered by questions like these or am I just being sensitive?

Allergy parents are more sensitive than people with actual allergies. Such is life.

Since most kids don't have life threatening allergies, you cannot expect that a random person will understand how your particular child's allergies work. And maybe to some extent they are trying to gauge what kind of allergy mom you are, the abrasive kind who tries to control what other people do, or the kind who accepts you can only control your own actions and private environment. If you play up your child's allergies, they will know to avoid you more just to keep the peace.

When people ask me, I just say that although the allergies are non-food related, they are severe enough to make breathing difficult. Most people don't treat non-food allergies as seriously as food allergies, so I can't go all peanut-allergy-mom on people.

[Anonymous]

Some people claim allergies when its just preferences so I think they are trying to figure out if its real or not.

[Anonymous]

My daughter had a milk allergy that was pretty minor. She wasn't going to die if she accidentally had some milk, and in fact, some dairy baked into cupcakes was totally fine and encouraged by her allergist.

People who are asking about severity want to know if they need to buy vegan/nut-free/allergen-free. Can they serve PB&J to some kids and sun butter to your kid sitting at the same table, or do they need to avoid peanuts for everyone? Think of it this way: it's better for them to ask than to assume incorrectly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... to all of the responders saying you need to know so you would know how much to clean or what to serve, I am not talking about going to someone's home. I am talking about people using this as casual chatter at the playground. No food is being served. And for those who say severities vary, maybe but you also cannot say when or where an allergy can become more severe. My DC was previously able to go inside middle eastern restaurants and one day, we went inside to buy tamarind juices and he started getting hives just from sesame being in the air. It is not a think that is set and stays, it is always changing. That is why you should always be vigilant and never treat allergies flippantly which is what I feel people asking about severity are trying to do.

Uh huh. Move those goalposts!

[Anonymous]

People are likely asking because they care about your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... to all of the responders saying you need to know so you would know how much to clean or what to serve, I am not talking about going to someone's home. I am talking about people using this as casual chatter at the playground. No food is being served. And for those who say severities vary, maybe but you also cannot say when or where an allergy can become more severe. My DC was previously able to go inside middle eastern restaurants and one day, we went inside to buy tamarind juices and he started getting hives just from sesame being in the air. It is not a think that is set and stays, it is always changing. That is why you should always be vigilant and never treat allergies flippantly which is what I feel people asking about severity are trying to do.

If they're not serving you food then they can't also be treating the allergies flippantly, because they're not treating the allergies at all. They are, as you say, just chatting. You're definitely overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Use your words, OP. “I don’t even like that question - I treat all allergies as severe!” And move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... to all of the responders saying you need to know so you would know how much to clean or what to serve, I am not talking about going to someone's home. I am talking about people using this as casual chatter at the playground. No food is being served. And for those who say severities vary, maybe but you also cannot say when or where an allergy can become more severe. My DC was previously able to go inside middle eastern restaurants and one day, we went inside to buy tamarind juices and he started getting hives just from sesame being in the air. It is not a think that is set and stays, it is always changing. That is why you should always be vigilant and never treat allergies flippantly which is what I feel people asking about severity are trying to do.

Okay, that's how it is for your kid. That's not how it is for everyone. I am allergic to cow's milk. I have been allergic to milk for my entire life. All of my allergy tests come back positive and always have. In my 33 trips around the sun, I've never taken in particularly seriously and never had a serious reaction. No doctor has ever expressed concern about the way I handle my food allergy. Indeed, my allergist has characterized my milk allergy as "mild."

I, a person with allergies, would absolutely ask if your child's allergy was severe out of both care and curiosity. I wouldn't express skepticism if you said, "Yes, it's severe." I'd just be collecting information because allergies, like many things, are a spectrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There is such a thing as a mild allergy. It often looks like negative scratch tests but positive IgE tests along with some observable reaction (like vomiting) when consuming the food. This is my son’s situation for fish and shellfish.

There is no such thing as a mild allergy. My daughter had a "mild" nut allergy that we thought just resulted in itching, then went into anaphylaxis from eating something with "processed in the same facility" language. And, as a PP noted, people can react with anaphylaxis to a food they have eaten many times. You never know how you will react, which is why you should carry EpiPens/AuviQ/Neffy and inject if there is one severe symptom or two mild symptoms.

Wrong. If you object to that framing, you can take it up with the pediatric allergy team at JHU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are trying to figure out if they need to do something unusual to keep your kid safe, like wash hands after handling an allergen or perhaps not have you over.

For example we simply do not host my nephew with serious allergies because I cannot make my house safe: we go to the park instead. But we do host kids who have the same allergies, just lesser reactions or parents who are ok with exposure.

This is my exact thought. OP you are being sensitive and if you are giving vague and flippant answers you are doing your child a disservice to those who want to be sure they don’t endanger your kid n

[Anonymous]

Allergy mom, and mom with allergies here. You are insane OP. I have had people ask me this question as an adult so they can understand if they can consume the food I’m allergic to around me. The answer is yes they can, I just can’t eat it.

[Anonymous]

OP the answer to your question is yes, you are being too sensitive.

I can tell based on your responses that you don't like the answer, but there you have it.