College grad returning home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Create a roommate agreement and all sign it. Begin as you mean to continue.

I think this is excellent advice and I wish we’d done it. DD moved back with us after college graduation due to high COL. The only guideline I set was to let me know if she’d be home late or would be staying overnight somewhere (and no boyfriend sleepovers here). She has been 100% adherent to this. I just wish I had spelled out other terms. The things that drive me crazy aren’t things that are big but I’m forever picking up her discarded shoes and I’d like her to take on some more chores. She’s been here a lot longer than planned.

So why not have an adult discussion with your DD now? It's okay to add new rules, especially when those seem like normal expectations of adults living in a house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What new rules will your AC need if they return home and live with you after graduating? Did you not raise them well to begin with?

When my kid lived with us for 4 years after her undergrad this was my desire for her
- She will be getting further degree/credentials that would jump start a high paying career
- She would then get a good job in her field and bank most of her money
- She would be socializing as normal part of our family
- She would be socializing with her friends, organizing activities, traveling, new experiences and meetups with her different groups of friends so that she did not feel isolated,
- She would be keeping up with her professional network
- Exercising, nutrition, good sleep, utilizing being on our health insurance to get annual checkups and care etc.

I did not want her to pay for anything other than her socializing. Yes, I cleaned the house, watered the plants, did laundry, cooked food etc. Stuff that I was already doing. My idea was not to make her uncomfortable and chase her out of the house. My aim was to create a haven for her so that she can concentrate on a constructive path and make very good choices for her future.

What will you gain by creating more stress for a new graduate who comes home? They are already mourning the end of their college life and being away from friends. They are already worried about the job market? They are already feeling lonely and depleted.

But, my kid was a good and sensible kid, so I was not worried about drinking, drugs, hooking up, vaping etc. She was a normal UMC high performing kid from a conservative cultural background.

Expecting your adult kid to help with chores/clean up after themselves should not "chase them out of the house". If you raised your kids correctly, asking them to clean up their bathroom, clean up the kitchen after using it, etc shouldn't come as a shock---our kids were already doing that in HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this somewhat depends on what your kid is capable of. For instance, if kid is commuting and working long hours, expectations that they cook dinner might be unreasonable.

Ideally, your kid should do his own laundry and clean up after himself.

Remember that starting a new job can be exhausting and aim for being more supportive at first.

This can be a great time for you and your kid to reconnect and forge an adult relationship that will continue into the future.

Also, my kid banked 80%+ of his salary while he lived at home.

Agreed, but in reality, if they were living in an apartment on their own/with roommates, they would have to do a lot more (including paying for everything associated with the apartment).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kid got an interesting job but low salary - will need to live at home while commuting in the beginning. What ground rules should be set? I don’t want to return to doing laundry etc

You can buy a small basic condo and let them live there at subsidized rent. Your condo would appreciate in price to cover your loss. You can raise rent once their salary increases or they can move out.

Not OP, but…hello? The vast majority of us cannot just “buy a small basic condo.” Yay you if you can.

Are you sure? My shopping list today is:

1) Apples
2) Pesto
3) Small basic condo

Simple! /s

[Anonymous]

I lived back home with my folks after college while I worked back int he 90s. I did my own chores (with the exception of dinners - I would just join my folks when home). I also paid a nominal amount of rent that my folks gave back to me when I moved out. But it helped me better appreciate having some skin in the game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how did you handle boyfriends/girlfriends?

My DD will be coming home in May and she has a boyfriend. For prior visits he stayed in the guest room but they were in college. Now they are 22 yo. The idea of them shacking up in my house makes me uncomfortable, not that I'm opposed to them having sex. Ack!

If you want your DD to continue to be part of your life (and living in your place to save $$), you let her boyfriend visit and stay in same room. She's an adult and should be treated as such. You also don't want to pressure them to get married (just so they can stay at your place in the same room)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lived back home with my folks after college while I worked back int he 90s. I did my own chores (with the exception of dinners - I would just join my folks when home). I also paid a nominal amount of rent that my folks gave back to me when I moved out. But it helped me better appreciate having some skin in the game.

This is what I would do. Being forced to pay $400-$500 a month will motivate them to stay working, and then you can it to them when they move out as a way to help them get started in an apartment. Forced savings. I've heard this strategy before and I think it's brilliant.

[Anonymous]

My ds is moving back in but I am not charging rent. That would feel very weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you handle boyfriends/girlfriends?

My DD will be coming home in May and she has a boyfriend. For prior visits he stayed in the guest room but they were in college. Now they are 22 yo. The idea of them shacking up in my house makes me uncomfortable, not that I'm opposed to them having sex. Ack!

If you want your DD to continue to be part of your life (and living in your place to save $$), you let her boyfriend visit and stay in same room. She's an adult and should be treated as such. You also don't want to pressure them to get married (just so they can stay at your place in the same room)

I disagree with this advice. We would let our AD's girlfriend visit our house of course, but she would stay in the guest room. Our DS just assumed that would be the case, and didn't even ask whether his girlfriend would stay in his room or the guest room. Why does the PP think that the DD would not be part of the parents' lives anymore just if they said you'd need to stay in the guest room?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kid got an interesting job but low salary - will need to live at home while commuting in the beginning. What ground rules should be set? I don’t want to return to doing laundry etc

You can buy a small basic condo and let them live there at subsidized rent. Your condo would appreciate in price to cover your loss. You can raise rent once their salary increases or they can move out.

Also condos don't appreciate much.

Not OP, but…hello? The vast majority of us cannot just “buy a small basic condo.” Yay you if you can.

Right? People here really don’t realize how wealthy they are. Just buying a condo is not a remote possibility for most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ds is moving back in but I am not charging rent. That would feel very weird.

This
I’ve always hated the thing where people collect rent from their children and then “give” it back like they are doing this enormous favor

[Anonymous]

But rather than laying down the law, meet with her respectfully to come up with an agreement. Start out by saying you are proud of her, but realize she is now an adult, so want to discuss what would be fair to all parties.

Your discussion should perhaps go beyond chores. What about food costs? Can she have men sleep over? Etc