College grad returning home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^PP: this would give your adult child some private space where they can be as messy as they want (cough), make their own food if they choose, and run on their own schedule (if they're still up at 2 a.m., they won't wake you up).

Cheap tiny houses don’t have kitchens or bathrooms or laundry. Unless they’re on wheels they’ll definitely need a permit, and many HOAs won’t allow them. If someone wants an actual functional tiny house it costs much more than that. If you do think a guest house is something you want invest in, go for it. But it doesn’t change then simple fact that when your AC moves home, or into a home you own…

YOU NEED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION AND SET EXPECTATIONS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Create a roommate agreement and all sign it. Begin as you mean to continue.

I think this is excellent advice and I wish we’d done it. DD moved back with us after college graduation due to high COL. The only guideline I set was to let me know if she’d be home late or would be staying overnight somewhere (and no boyfriend sleepovers here). She has been 100% adherent to this. I just wish I had spelled out other terms. The things that drive me crazy aren’t things that are big but I’m forever picking up her discarded shoes and I’d like her to take on some more chores. She’s been here a lot longer than planned.

[Anonymous]

we have same rules as everyone else (say where you are going and when expected home)

clean up after yourself

do your own laundry

let me know if you will be home for dinner or not

help with dogs when you are home (feed, walks, etc).

If you are going to store or something, ask if anyone needs anything

other requested chores or help as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:we have same rules as everyone else (say where you are going and when expected home)

clean up after yourself

do your own laundry

let me know if you will be home for dinner or not

help with dogs when you are home (feed, walks, etc).

If you are going to store or something, ask if anyone needs anything

other requested chores or help as needed.

I agree. So much is just common courtesy. I would add that if you're going away for a few days, let us know so we don't worry. Since you're an adult, you need to help maintain the home - we have specific things that each of us do and if you can't for some reason, you need to make the arrangements to get it done.

[Anonymous]

What new rules will your AC need if they return home and live with you after graduating? Did you not raise them well to begin with?

When my kid lived with us for 4 years after her undergrad this was my desire for her
- She will be getting further degree/credentials that would jump start a high paying career
- She would then get a good job in her field and bank most of her money
- She would be socializing as normal part of our family
- She would be socializing with her friends, organizing activities, traveling, new experiences and meetups with her different groups of friends so that she did not feel isolated,
- She would be keeping up with her professional network
- Exercising, nutrition, good sleep, utilizing being on our health insurance to get annual checkups and care etc.

I did not want her to pay for anything other than her socializing. Yes, I cleaned the house, watered the plants, did laundry, cooked food etc. Stuff that I was already doing. My idea was not to make her uncomfortable and chase her out of the house. My aim was to create a haven for her so that she can concentrate on a constructive path and make very good choices for her future.

What will you gain by creating more stress for a new graduate who comes home? They are already mourning the end of their college life and being away from friends. They are already worried about the job market? They are already feeling lonely and depleted.

But, my kid was a good and sensible kid, so I was not worried about drinking, drugs, hooking up, vaping etc. She was a normal UMC high performing kid from a conservative cultural background.

[Anonymous]

College grads returning home and living with parents is fast becoming the norm - and it is the reality in the rest of the world. The US "loneliness epidemic" is very much avoided in other countries.

Parents need to get with the program. Cultures where ACs living with their parents and/or functional/practical families will adjust to this new reality easily. Others? Gosh! Bring the popcorn!!

[Anonymous]

We set it up that DC would cook one dinner a week and be responsible for his breakfasts and lunches. They also needed to save $x amount a month so they did not get used up having a large disposable income and they would have a nice nest egg at the end. They did their ie. laundry.

[Anonymous]

I think this somewhat depends on what your kid is capable of. For instance, if kid is commuting and working long hours, expectations that they cook dinner might be unreasonable.

Ideally, your kid should do his own laundry and clean up after himself.

Remember that starting a new job can be exhausting and aim for being more supportive at first.

This can be a great time for you and your kid to reconnect and forge an adult relationship that will continue into the future.

Also, my kid banked 80%+ of his salary while he lived at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kid got an interesting job but low salary - will need to live at home while commuting in the beginning. What ground rules should be set? I don’t want to return to doing laundry etc

Why not see how it goes? He or she has been living indepdendently'ish for 4 years. It could be fine. If it is not, then ask for a sit down and an agreement. They are not children so don't treat them as such.

[Anonymous]

We have let both of our kids live at home after college graduation so that they could get established in their careers, invest in their 401ks, pay for their own cars, insurance, most of their food, their entertainment, etc.

I will admit that my husband and I do their laundry, we’re retired so it’s easy for us to help them out like that. Both of them work long hours and we want them to have some downtime when they come home. In return, they pet sit for us when we go out of town on occasion. They are great kids and we enjoy having them while they’re here, which won’t be much longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We set it up that DC would cook one dinner a week and be responsible for his breakfasts and lunches. They also needed to save $x amount a month so they did not get used up having a large disposable income and they would have a nice nest egg at the end. They did their ie. laundry.

This is pretty infantilizing.

[Anonymous]

These discussions always give me chills because my brother came home after college graduation and then never left, and died an alcoholic at age 47.

He went to an Ivy League school and was a bright, handsome person when he arrived and a complete disaster when he died, and I think moving home was the worst mistake of his life. I think my mother taking all his responsibilities (feeding, laundry, paying for the mortgage) hurt him far more than it helped him.

I know the economy has changed and this is becoming more normal and I need to control my reaction.

What are some ways that parents make sure this adult understands how to be a responsible person in the world? what are the consequences for not taking responsibility (in the outside world, consequences would be eviction for failure to pay rent, not eating, wearing dirty clothes, etc).

[Anonymous]

how did you handle boyfriends/girlfriends?

My DD will be coming home in May and she has a boyfriend. For prior visits he stayed in the guest room but they were in college. Now they are 22 yo. The idea of them shacking up in my house makes me uncomfortable, not that I'm opposed to them having sex. Ack!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Create a roommate agreement and all sign it. Begin as you mean to continue.

I think this is excellent advice and I wish we’d done it. DD moved back with us after college graduation due to high COL. The only guideline I set was to let me know if she’d be home late or would be staying overnight somewhere (and no boyfriend sleepovers here). She has been 100% adherent to this. I just wish I had spelled out other terms. The things that drive me crazy aren’t things that are big but I’m forever picking up her discarded shoes and I’d like her to take on some more chores. She’s been here a lot longer than planned.

Open renegotiations and revisit terms every 6 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kid got an interesting job but low salary - will need to live at home while commuting in the beginning. What ground rules should be set? I don’t want to return to doing laundry etc

Create a list of "rules for living at home as an adult" and sit down and have a discussion with your kid---adult to adult. Set the expectations from the start.

IMO, it's not unreadable to expect a grown adult to do their own laundry, keep their room clean (no food left around, no wet towels on floor, bedding laundered weekly, etc), keep their bathroom clean, let you know if they will/wont be home for dinner (just like I'd expect my spouse to let me know that, and not at 6pm), if they will be out late or wont be coming home that night please just let me know, etc.
Basic general common courtesies that adults living in the same home afford each other.