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Elementary School-Aged Kids
Teacher and 2nd grader conflict - how to handle?
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Anonymous
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@22:42: Sounds exactly like my DC. What did you do after diagnosis? Meds? Formal 504?
Thanks! |
Anonymous
| I would go to the principal, and ask for direction as to the options. Other posters suggest confronting the teacher, but I doubt that is going to lead to a good outcome - you've tried it and it didn't work. It sounds like you tried to handle the call with the teacher so as to avoid making her defensive, and yet she was defensive. That is not a good sign. With talking to the principal, if s/he is any good, you will know what is possible - changing classrooms, filing a grievance, etc. Maybe if a counselor talks to your daughter, your daughter will be able to advocate for herself (e.g., "the teacher doesn't like me"). The last thing you want at this point is the teacher trying to placate you (the adult) but being unsuccessful at being kinder to your daughter (you feel OK, daughter still stressed and feeling like you've given up). So, again, I'd go to the principal and understand that at this point the teacher isn't doing the right thing - and your job, and the principals's is to make things right with your daughter. |
Anonymous
| Personally if she had this teacher last year and it wasn't the best match, I'd ask for a classroom change. |
Anonymous
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There are a number of things in your post that do suggest it would be worthwhile to consider an ADHD evaluation, especially since other teachers have comments on behaviors. The two that stick out most in my mind (and I just read through all the posts and may have forgottensome) are that she rushes through her work, makes careless mistakes and is poorly organized. That's describes my second grade DS to a T. He was diagnosed with ADHD in K and as a PP said, the inattentive type (which he is) is often missed. He certainly didn't fit the description of what I thought ADHD was. It also took us a very long time to get the school's attention regarding the challenges we saw him having. It's easy for them, even experienced teachers, to miss ADHD in the early grades and we had to get all of our evaluations done privately because they saw no need to test him. However, once we got the ADHD diagnosis they quickly came around. There are many things a teacher can do to provide structure and support to kids - what works well with the ADHD type kids works well with all kids. Even though your DD's teacher is experienced, it really doesn't sound like she's a good teacher. I've got three kids in elementary school and I've seen the difference. My DD does NOT have ADHD and she does fine with a teacher that my DS would absolutely flounder with. You've gotten some good suggestions and I agree you should start by putting in writing what your concerns are (organization, handwriting, fear of asking to use the bathroom, etc.) and that you're looking to develop a partnership with the teacher to help your DD to develop foundational skills. Ask the teacher how you, together, should approach the problems and communicate what works and what doesn't. You should definitely mention that you want school to be a place your DD looks forward being at. I'm also attaching a couple of links to the Vanderbilt Rating Scale. Many professionals who diagnose ADHD start with the Vanderbilt to screen for ADHD. Please note, it will NOT tell you wheter your DD has ADHD. There is no single objective test to identify ADHD andn there are a number of other things that need to be considered. However, it's a good tool to start with. You might also take a look at the CHADD website www.chadd.org for more information on ADHD. If nothing else, you might look for things you can do to help your DD organize. You're doing a great thing for your DD and she's very lucky to have you.
http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/clinical-scales/adhd/vadrs http://209.202.151.232/c/document_library/get_file |
Anonymous
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OP, you may also want to consider changing schools. We moved our child from a public school where I think part of the problem was that the teacher was overwhelmed (too many kids, too little support), to a private school with small classes, emphasis on differentiating based on children's different learning styles, etc.
We are much poorer but glad we made the switch! DD now loves school. |
Anonymous
OP here, been offline all weekend - thank you all for the continued follow up. |
Anonymous
whoa is that even possible?! |
Anonymous
Yeah,I think it is but I don't think its all that rare either. I am pretty sure I was at that level in 3rd grade as I read and understood all kinds of material. I think its more habit or exposure than actual intelligence. Aren't newspaper and magazien articles generally written at an 8th grade level?? |
Anonymous
| NYTimes maybe. Most newpapers and maganzines are more like a 5th grade reading level. |
Anonymous
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OP, I feel for you. My 2nd grader wet his pants in class the other day and I felt so bad for him. He is at public school and told me that twice he asked the teacher to go to bathroom, to which she said no. Then, I was immediately angry at her. He is new this year and the youngest boy in class. However, I did everything in my power to remain matter of fact with him and with her. I went to the school and gave him a new outfit. When finished, I really wanted to hug him and run out of the school, but I told him to go back in, hold his head high, and pretend like nothing happened. After school he was buddying around and more of the same at the next day's drop off. He seemed clueless about it (he's still such a little boy), so I'm glad I didn't project anything on to it.
I was furious at the teacher, but wrote a very calm e-mail, asking her to explain her bathroom policy and why she denied him to go (if it was a problem with him going excessively or if it was a busy time). I also explained how "I" was feeling sensitive about it and why. She came right up to me the next morning and said she'd gotten my email and apologized that it had been so busy and several people had asked her to use the toilet, but she hadn't been keeping track. She also said it wasn't anything directed at my son. We agreed that he should try to use the toilet at breaks, but that he definitely needs to speak up if he has an emergency (of any sort). Just some random thoughts...I have only skimmed the responses. I definitely wouldn't encourage my child to use the restroom whenever, especially if it's every half hour. I think the public schools are teaching students to be responsible, but of course, they need to have direction. I wish my kid's teacher had said early on to tell her if it's an emergency, but now that I know, I can help him. I think if you tell her she can go anytime, then it just allows her to make excuses for getting out of class. If she is nervous about asking the teacher, that is her own fear, not the teacher's problem. Could you role play with her? Tell her how to use her voice and give her examples for solutions? It sucks to have a "bad" teacher, but you said that all of her teachers have expressed concern over her behavior, so maybe she is upset now that someone is demanding more of her. When we are in a tough situations is the time we learn the most (often only understood in hindsight). I think that's what you need to find out: is this teacher just expecting more of her, or is she being mean? Don't listen to your daughter; be as matter of fact as you can and discuss practical solutions directly with the teacher. I think if you go to the teacher assuming that she has the best interests of your child, things will turn out much better. Your child may be manipulating you, since she sees you making a big deal of it. I don't know if that's the case, but it could be a possibility. Hang in there OP, it doesn't get any easier does it?!?! |
Anonymous
OP here. I have counted the number of times I've gone to the bathroom today. Upon arrival.... mid morning. Before lunch, after lunch. Mid afternoon. About to go again. OK so I'm a frequent urinator  But I cannot imagine only being able to go to the bathroom three times during the work day, which is what the 2nd graders are allowed.
Anyway I met with the teacher this am. It was strange at first. I think she was prepared for a terrible time of it. Seemed really intimidated. But I remained calm and friendly and asked her to tell me HER impressions of what's going on with my child. The teacher thinks my child is bright but does not want to try hard. That is why she is rushing and sloppy, that is why she asks to go to the bathroom a lot. But the teacher said a lot of nice things about my child too. We talked for about 40 minutes. She gave me info on a handwriting tutoring class. I made it clear that my child has to be able to go to the bathroom more frequently - that the teacher doesn't have to interrupt her teaching but when the kids break off to do independent work study, my child needs to be able to go. The teacher says she is OK with that. We are going to meet again Nov 1. If I have any more difficulties I will ask to move my daughter. Meanwhile I am going to get my daughter evaluated for ADHD, dyslexia and take her to an occupational therapist to get her handwriting abilities checked out. I don't really think there's a medical issue here but I want to rule it out. I have a doctor's note and am prepared to go the "reasonable accomodation" route - let the kid pee per doctor's orders - if I have to, and raise hell to get her moved, if I have to. But for the next week or two I am going to try to work with this teacher and see what comes of it. Thanks for all your insights! I will try to update what happens in the end.... |
Anonymous
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[quote=Anonymous]My daughter is and in 2nd grade in FCPS. I like our school.
My child's teachers, since kindergarten, have reported to me that there are problems with my child's work habits (and I have always tried to work with them to reinforce good habits at home). She's sloppy. She rushes. Terrible handwriting. She doesn't always listen to directions. She reminds me a lot of me when I was an elementary school kid. Bright enough to get by with good grades without really trying. Lazy, but academically does well. (Interestingly, that hasn't proved to be a problem in my later life and career.... but back to my kid....) I knew my child had made an impression on the teacher when, at back to school night, the anecdote the teacher told the full class of parents about an anonymous student, was about my kid. The teacher is unhappy about my daughter's work habits and is coming down on her pretty hard. At first I thought maybe that was a good thing. Obviously I want my child to do well, and to do better than her parents did - who doesn't want that? But I am starting to see my child's self confidence and enthusiasm for school wane. She has always loved learning. Now she's starting to not want to go to school She thinks the teacher doesn't like her. She thinks the teacher comes down harder on her for the same offenses compared to other kids (and the examples she gives me seem to indicate she might be right.) She feels like she is always in trouble, deserved or not. Well today, a new chapter in the saga - my child is apparently afraid to ask the teacher for permission to go to the bathroom outside of designated bathroom breaks, because she doesn't want to get the teacher mad. Today, for the first time since she was three years old, she peed herself as she left the classroom and arrived at her after school program, before she could reach the toilet. I can only image how humiliated she must have felt in front of all these kids in the program, ages k - 6th.... So the first thing I am going to do is tell the teacher, the kid has got to be able to pee when she needs to, whether it's on the class schedule or not. My second thought is to nicely tell the teacher I think we need to back of a little bit on the intense focus on my child's work habits. For example, my child gets a spelling word marked wrong if she reverses a letter. If she writes a "b" or "d" backwards. Even though she knows how to spell the word, if she writes the letter wrong, she gets the word wrong.... This is a small example, but my daughter's whole school day seems to be about small transgressions. I wanted some other opinions. How would you handle this? Thanks.[/quote] Sorry that your daughter is having such a hard time. Noone should have to feel that way about anything in life at age 7.But, back to the reversing the d and b issue, the eraser marks, the sloppy hand writing and the not following directions.. have you had your daughter evaluated for dyslexia ? It often shows up at this age and a poor teacher often mistakes it as "rushing" or "not following directions" . Maybe she is actually trying REALLY really hard and just can't figure her issue out alone. |
Anonymous
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Glad to hear your recent meeting seemed more productive and the teacher seemed a little more reasonable. Another suggestion that might help you get a less biased opinion about what is going on is to call and speak with the school counselor. Mention your daughter's change in attitudes about school/learning and some of the things you are noticing at home. Try to avoid bringing up issues about the teacher specifically at this point. After the counselor observes and shares what he/she has seen, then you can ask more direct questions about how your child is treated or if he/she thinks another teacher might be a better match. The counselor should also be a good resource as far as exploring other possible conditions that may be contributing to the issue.
Everyone always wants what is best for their children and it is hard to decide when/how much to intervene. If you decide to request a change in class, please consider carefully how to present it to your daughter and consider what message it may send to her about future conflicts with teachers. I say this after observing an extreme situation with a friend-- she learned probably from a legitimate situation at first, that her mom was willing to go to school and help get the rules changed for her or move her from a class she didn't like-- and it continued right through high school-- until she had a run in with the law and her mom couldn't convince the police officer. I realize this was an extreme situation and a parent that likely didn't take all the steps you are at this point, but it is something to think about when presenting the "whys" to your child so they don't get the wrong impression. |
Anonymous
| Thanks for the update, OP. It sounds like you have a good handle on it. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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@17:50
Wow, that was very enlightening. DC has an appointment next week for a full neuropsych eval because we suspect ADHD inattentive type. When I did the clinical scale for parents that you referenced, she got "often" or "very often" for every one of the criteria for inattentive-type and depression. Quite enlightening. |