Teacher and 2nd grader conflict - how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I am uncomfortable with my child's work habits as they are. Do not correct them during class UNLESS you can prove they are disruptive to the other students or to the teaching of the class (poor handwritting after all doesn't effect the other students)" Put your request in writting and follow up.

OP here, I think this is right on. Basically, she's got 22 other kids to lavish her corrective behaviors on. I want her to stop any intense focus on my kid.

[Anonymous]

Did you tell the teacher that you are getting the feeling that she doesn't like your child? Did you tell her that you are worried that she has already been labeled a problem-child?

Good questions. But no, I didn't, because I think that would make her more defensive and, she will deny it. Even in her own heart, she might deny it. Who wants to admit they are capable of being mean to a 7 yo just because they don't like her? Not many people I know.... esp. not a person who makes her living dealing with little kids....l

The reason I ask is that I recently had this type of interaction with my child's teacher. I was direct and matter of fact with her. Rather than saying I knew that she didn't like my child as the PP above suggested I used my "I" messages, which I think helped avoid defensiveness. I told her how the situation felt from my perspective and my fears about its long term effects on my child.

The teacher hadn't considered that she had made this judgement about my kid and it was a real eye-opener for her. I noticed a positive change in the way that she spoke to me about my child and a more positive spin on even some of the still on-going discipline issues that we are working on with my child.

I'm not saying that this will work for everybody, but it did work for me. If it hadn't, I would have elevated it. I don't want my kid being labele a disicplien problem or a trouble maker in the earliest years of school

[Anonymous]

This teachers already sounds defensive, not sure it would work here but OP is the best judge of that. When I was in her shoes, I felt it might be misinterpreted as my trying to shift the attention to the teacher.

[Anonymous]

I think that you can avoid that by focusing on common goals - the success of every child in the classroom, but for the OP, the success of her child.

I'm just imagining that changing classrooms might not be an option, and that OP really might have to face this head on.

[Anonymous]

Your DD sounds like a carbon copy of mine at the same age. My DD is now 16, has mild ADHD, and still has a bit of laziness to her work habits. You may want to have your DD evaluated for any learning issues before they become bigger. My DD wasn't officially diagnosed until she was 13, but I always suspected. She got straight A's until 7th grade when the demands were harder and she struggled to keep up. She has been a B+ student with some A's in middle and HS, and it's mostly because of her work habits. With her IQ, she should still have all A's. If I were you, I would definitely have things evaluated now.

[Anonymous]

OP,
What about trying Kumon for six months? My child had similar issues, we did Kumon Math and it changed our world.

[Anonymous]

OP, when my son was in second grade last year his writing was very sloppy, and he really didn't care. He WASN'T transposing letters, though. But his handwriting could be a lot neater when he took more care.

I told him when he did homework with me that I understood that writing wasn't that easy for him, but that by writing more, he'd get better at it. I showed him what great handwriting looked like and what adequate writing looked like and what poor writing looked like, and told him on most assignments I wanted to see great handwriting and so did his teacher. We had a few months where homework was really stressful, but I insisted that he use handwriting that was the best he could do before we did anything else after school. He wasn't allowed to just write a few short sentences in order to avoid having to write a lot. He had to write whatever was expected and it had to be done neatly.

For his classwork, after we had establised that he was capable of neat handwriting, I told him that any time he didn't write enough in class or didn't write it neatly, and it came home with a C or D or lower grade on the assignment (and his teacher was a tough grader!) he would have to redo the assignment again, at home, and hand it in again. Because my child was so stubborn, I actually told him he'd have to redo it and then compy it over AGAIN. This was before he'd be allowed any computer games whatsoever. My explanation was, handwriting was important long before computer games were invented, and so he had to establish that his handwriting was acceptable before I'd allow him use of computers.

Anyhow, he only had to copy over his classwork twice at home, and lose computer/DVD/games/tv for a week, before he realized I meant business and that it would be FAR easier to just put in the effort one time, at school, and make sure he was using his best handwriting and most complete sentences at school. So he spent the rrest of the school year actually writing more than he would have otherwise, and therefore getting more practice doing it. Now he's in third grade and I am amazed at how much better his writing is. I really don't have to keep after him much at all, and his writing seems more fluent and readable.

The key was, I established first at home what level of writing was within his abilities. He has NEVER had the very neat writing that my daughter has, so I don't expect perfection, but he was capable of doing more than he was originally doing in second grade -- his handwriting was usually illlegible.

I agree with everyone that you need to talk with the teacher and so on, but if there's any chance that SOME of this is related to motivation/rushing, you could take similar steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
What about trying Kumon for six months? My child had similar issues, we did Kumon Math and it changed our world.

OP here. She's great at reading and pretty good at math.... unless Kumon has a handwriting program? Or did you see that the math program impacted your child in other areas?

[Anonymous]

My DD had a similar conflict with her 3rd grade teacher last year. We met with the teacher and the principal to tell them that while generally we support a tough love approach, the scales had tipped too far. From our point of view, it wasn't working. Our DD perceived a constant criticism and developed anxieties because of it. Instead of motivating her to focus more intensely, it was tying her into knots. We said our DD needed a new, more positive approach and we wanted to help formulate that. The principal helped to make that happen but the teacher seemed to find it all annoying. Things only improved slightly. The year came to end and luckily my DD has a great relationship with her 4th grade teacher and is loving learning again. That 3rd grade teacher left the school so none of my other children will have her as a teacher. Whew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD had a similar conflict with her 3rd grade teacher last year. We met with the teacher and the principal to tell them that while generally we support a tough love approach, the scales had tipped too far. From our point of view, it wasn't working. Our DD perceived a constant criticism and developed anxieties because of it. Instead of motivating her to focus more intensely, it was tying her into knots. We said our DD needed a new, more positive approach and we wanted to help formulate that. The principal helped to make that happen but the teacher seemed to find it all annoying. Things only improved slightly. The year came to end and luckily my DD has a great relationship with her 4th grade teacher and is loving learning again. That 3rd grade teacher left the school so none of my other children will have her as a teacher. Whew.

Do you wish now that you had changed her to another class?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So this is the teacher's take:
1) child does not pee when the rest of the class goes on break
2) child wants to pee every 30 minutes
3) she does not think the letter reversing thing is dyslexia but laziness/rushing

I consider myself a non-overreacting parent- when another parent complains about my child, I listen to the whole story, I don't automatically jump to DD's defense. I'm not a huge complainer over the small stuff. From your original post and your update, I think you are right- the teacher for whatever reason does not like your child. While that happens, and may be a part of life and teaching, this teacher has allowed it to color how she interacts with your child. I think your child should be moved into another class.

The teacher's unwillingness to hear your perspective, and her using your child as an anonomoys anecdote on BTS night and the stories you noted, combined, are more of an obstacle than your child should have to deal with. I would go to the principal and share your concerns and a request that your child's class be moved. The fact alone that she urinated on herself and the teacher is quibbling over bathroom breaks is RIDICULOUS. The approach should be if she wants to go every 30 minutes, fine. No questions asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So this is the teacher's take:
1) child does not pee when the rest of the class goes on break
2) child wants to pee every 30 minutes
3) she does not think the letter reversing thing is dyslexia but laziness/rushing

I consider myself a non-overreacting parent- when another parent complains about my child, I listen to the whole story, I don't automatically jump to DD's defense. I'm not a huge complainer over the small stuff. From your original post and your update, I think you are right- the teacher for whatever reason does not like your child. While that happens, and may be a part of life and teaching, this teacher has allowed it to color how she interacts with your child. I think your child should be moved into another class.

The teacher's unwillingness to hear your perspective, and her using your child as an anonomoys anecdote on BTS night and the stories you noted, combined, are more of an obstacle than your child should have to deal with. I would go to the principal and share your concerns and a request that your child's class be moved. The fact alone that she urinated on herself and the teacher is quibbling over bathroom breaks is RIDICULOUS. The approach should be if she wants to go every 30 minutes, fine. No questions asked.

thanks, you make a good argument.

[Anonymous]

Do you wish now that you had changed her to another class?

I am not the PP you were addressing, but our story is very similar. Awful third grade teacher who disliked my DD. Suddenly things were a "problem" and he thought she had ADHD and/or Aspergers. She is now with a WONDERFUL 4th grade teacher and it is like night and day. I wish I had pushed for a teacher change for her last year. She was miserable the entire year and it had a tremendous impact on her self esteem. The good news is, she seems to have bounced back this year.

My DD does have anxiety (and sees a therapist and has a 504) but the teacher did not "believe in" anxiety and thought her accommodations were bunk. Truly, I wish I had the benefit of hindsight and pushed harder on him earlier and had the gumption to ask for a teacher change when it became apparent that things were not going well. But I was afraid that heand the principal would see me as a helicopter mom (he already did) so I backed off. But that was a huge mistake because things got so much worse.

[Anonymous]

Some thoughts from an ES teacher here. Some kids still reverse letters like b and d in second grade but there are little rhymes that can help kids remember which way to write them. Simply marking her words as incorrect when she sees that your DD is having an issue w/ letter reversal doesn't solve anything. Also, the bathroom break issue is tough. I always give group bathroom breaks first thing in the morning, right before and right after lunch. Then, the students are encouraged to go right after recess. There are always one or two kids who don't go and then right in the middle of a math lesson, ask to go. It is really hard to know what to do since it is always the same kids. They miss out on the actual lesson and then have no idea what to do when they return. I do everything I can to offer the opportunity to use the bathroom at regular times but I can't force them to go. Ask the teacher what the schedule of bathroom breaks looks like and what her policy is for when it is okay to go when it isn't a scheduled break. Some teachers I work with will let kids go after she teaches her lesson and group or independent work is going on.

[Anonymous]

My son is in the third grade. He has tested in the 99th percentile for IQ on the WISC GAI, reads at a 9th grade plus level, and is in a pull-out math class for high achieving students. Yet his handwriting is TERRIBLE, sloppy, and he still reverses his letters (including the first letter of his first name), forgets to capitalize, can't write on the lines, smushes words together etc. etc. etc, even though when asked what his mistakes are, he can immediately identify them. He never completed any work in class in first and second grade, so externally he seemed unmotivated, lazy and just presented generally as a terrible student. We also noticed some issues with some things at home, so had him tested fall of second grade. Found out he had ADHD inattentive type with a deficit in working memory and other executive functions. This form of ADHD doesn't look like what people expect. But when we got the diagnosis, it totally resonated as "yes, this is our kid."

I say this not to suggest that this is your daughter's problem (though possible) but rather because our teachers' reactions have been so different from your's. They saw his struggles not as a defect in his character or intellect, but rather as signs of a child who was struggling, and compassionately and kindly worked with him and us as parents to get him the help he needs. The first week of second grade his second grade teacher took him aside and said she noticed these things about him, and suggested a bunch of things he could do. She encouraged us to have him tested and the school met with us multiple times to come up with ways to help him, like a timer on his desk, extra reminders, extra time to do certain things, agreeing not to deduct points for sloppiness, etc. etc. etc. As a result, he has maintained his joy in learning and confidence, and continues to flourish. So your experience is not ok, and you must advocate for your daughter.

I suggest you read "The Myth of Laziness" and "All Kinds of Minds" for some perspective. (And yes I know the author was accused of child molestation, don't know how that resolved, but it is a very good book.) Or maybe others have more up to date suggestions.