What would you do if your college kid was like this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there are coaches who work with kids on job searches if you have the $. This could be good executive function training for your kid.

Genuine question: what is the difference between hiring a coach to work with your child vs. you as the parent try to help guide and support them? I have excellent executive function and if my child does not, what would be wrong with my working to advise and guide my child just as a coach would?

Ideally, in my opinion an executive function coach would work with the child with ADHD to find strategies and motivations that work specifically for them. Maybe you can do this and, with research, successfully provide such guidance yourself.

Sometimes a parent’s approach might be “Here’s how I do it successfully and if you follow my advice it will work for you too,” which may not be the case. This can result in a frustration and resentment from both parties, along with shame and embarrassment for your child.

My child with ADHD is neurodivergent and I am not. I have excellent executive function skills (use multiple apps, lists, etc.) but am neurotypical. My strategies and approaches don’t work for her. Thus she has a coach.

Fit is very important, though.

We’ve found working with an EF coach helps to separate mom and coach. My son is more receptive if it comes from the coach versus JUST mom. My husband and I have been able to step back some and let the coach do the coaching. It’s made a big difference. His time management is much better too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure where to post this, but here it is. Feel free to delete it or move it as you see fit.

We have a great kid—curious, kind, and genuinely loves learning. They’ve always been strong academically, especially in math and public policy, and they care deeply about the environment. They also value their friendships and enjoy being around people.

At the same time, they’ve been navigating ADHD and some depression in college. The depression is under control now, which we’re very grateful for, but ADHD continues to make certain things—especially getting started on tasks and following through—much harder than it might appear from the outside.

The biggest challenge isn’t ability—it’s initiation. Once they get going, they do very well. With accommodations and support, their grades have been solid. In fact, they routinely score 100/100 on college math exams, which still amazes us. They’re also the captain of their mock trial team at a top academic college, and on weekends they create and sell street art, donating most of what they earn to charity. There’s a lot to be proud of.

But when it comes to planning ahead—especially things like internships—it’s a different story. Last year, they found a part-time summer job at a law firm at the last minute, sometime in May. This year, they haven’t really started looking, or at least haven’t been able to fully engage in the process.

We understand that internships are increasingly competitive, and we don’t see it as a failure if they don’t secure one this summer. We’d be perfectly happy if they stayed home, spent time with friends, traveled a bit, and maybe volunteered with organizations they care about. We can always help them put together a meaningful summer.

At the same time, we wonder if we should be encouraging them more actively to pursue something related to their interests—something that could help build toward a future career—or if it’s better to step back and let them find their own pace.

They’ve said, half-jokingly, “I could rule the world without ADHD.” And honestly, we see what they mean—the potential is clearly there. But the reality is that they’re taking things day by day, without much long-term planning right now.

As parents, we’re trying to figure out where the balance is—between supporting, nudging, and simply accepting where they are. What would you do?

You have basically described my kid, except he is a high school senior. He needs help with structure to manage processes. For college apps, I was heavily involved in the organization of it, and we got him a college counselor who put him on a schedule. He did all the work - writing essays etc - but within a framework we created. It sounds like your DS needs that kind of framework. I would talk with him about it. If you're willing to do it you could be his framework or you could hire an exec functioning coach. You could also see if his college career services office counselors could offer enough support. I kind of doubt it but you never know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there are coaches who work with kids on job searches if you have the $. This could be good executive function training for your kid.

Genuine question: what is the difference between hiring a coach to work with your child vs. you as the parent try to help guide and support them? I have excellent executive function and if my child does not, what would be wrong with my working to advise and guide my child just as a coach would?

Nothing at all as long as you and your kid are ok with this. Some kids resist working with mom so for them a coach is better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there are coaches who work with kids on job searches if you have the $. This could be good executive function training for your kid.

Genuine question: what is the difference between hiring a coach to work with your child vs. you as the parent try to help guide and support them? I have excellent executive function and if my child does not, what would be wrong with my working to advise and guide my child just as a coach would?

Good question. Both me and my husband have strong executive function skills too but it’s been GREAT being able to be “mom and dad” and let the coach be “the coach”. My son is far more receptive if instructions come from the coach instead of us. A coach is also trained in adapting strategies to fit each person. That’s just my 2cents and view from our experience. The EF coach my son’s been using has been amazing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They talk to a therapist every week, which seems to be helpful according to them. We don’t know where to find ADHD coach. As parents we make ourselves available anytime anywhere. At least once a week a parent will be body doubling on FaceTime so they could get sth important done.

We found an ADHD coach through word of mouth. A parent gave the contact information to another parent and so on. Having a coach has been a game changer for us and we’ve seen progress w/my kids (15/20). More importantly they see it too. Their organization and time management is better and it’s helped their confidence too! It’s been a very positive experience.

[Anonymous]

So your kid likes math, data, public policy, and the environment?

Are you in DC?

Have the kid volunteer at a relevant non-profit. And see if there are any citizen science projects available on the web. Have the kid take a class at a local university. Maybe as a guest student they can support a research project.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They talk to a therapist every week, which seems to be helpful according to them. We don’t know where to find ADHD coach. As parents we make ourselves available anytime anywhere. At least once a week a parent will be body doubling on FaceTime so they could get sth important done.

We found an ADHD coach through word of mouth. A parent gave the contact information to another parent and so on. Having a coach has been a game changer for us and we’ve seen progress w/my kids (15/20). More importantly they see it too. Their organization and time management is better and it’s helped their confidence too! It’s been a very positive experience.

Hello! Would you mind sharing the contact information for the EF Coach you’re using? Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They talk to a therapist every week, which seems to be helpful according to them. We don’t know where to find ADHD coach. As parents we make ourselves available anytime anywhere. At least once a week a parent will be body doubling on FaceTime so they could get sth important done.

We found an ADHD coach through word of mouth. A parent gave the contact information to another parent and so on. Having a coach has been a game changer for us and we’ve seen progress w/my kids (15/20). More importantly they see it too. Their organization and time management is better and it’s helped their confidence too! It’s been a very positive experience.

Hello! Would you mind sharing the contact information for the EF Coach you’re using? Thank you!

No problem. Rather not post coach info here but if you send me a message I can send it. Hap-family (no dash) at proton dot me
Coach is great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure where to post this, but here it is. Feel free to delete it or move it as you see fit.

We have a great kid—curious, kind, and genuinely loves learning. They’ve always been strong academically, especially in math and public policy, and they care deeply about the environment. They also value their friendships and enjoy being around people.

At the same time, they’ve been navigating ADHD and some depression in college. The depression is under control now, which we’re very grateful for, but ADHD continues to make certain things—especially getting started on tasks and following through—much harder than it might appear from the outside.

The biggest challenge isn’t ability—it’s initiation. Once they get going, they do very well. With accommodations and support, their grades have been solid. In fact, they routinely score 100/100 on college math exams, which still amazes us. They’re also the captain of their mock trial team at a top academic college, and on weekends they create and sell street art, donating most of what they earn to charity. There’s a lot to be proud of.

But when it comes to planning ahead—especially things like internships—it’s a different story. Last year, they found a part-time summer job at a law firm at the last minute, sometime in May. This year, they haven’t really started looking, or at least haven’t been able to fully engage in the process.

We understand that internships are increasingly competitive, and we don’t see it as a failure if they don’t secure one this summer. We’d be perfectly happy if they stayed home, spent time with friends, traveled a bit, and maybe volunteered with organizations they care about. We can always help them put together a meaningful summer.

At the same time, we wonder if we should be encouraging them more actively to pursue something related to their interests—something that could help build toward a future career—or if it’s better to step back and let them find their own pace.

They’ve said, half-jokingly, “I could rule the world without ADHD.” And honestly, we see what they mean—the potential is clearly there. But the reality is that they’re taking things day by day, without much long-term planning right now.

As parents, we’re trying to figure out where the balance is—between supporting, nudging, and simply accepting where they are. What would you do?

I relate to your post. I had undiagnosed ADHD in school, and I'm not overstating it when I say that policy debate changed my life. Something about the speed, intensity, and competition motivated me to do better not just in debate but in school. I ended up going into law and did very well in law school (unmedicated), but I'm not sure it was the best fit, to be honest. It's very hard for me to do my job now without medication (where I had no problem keeping up with debate without medication).

Also, my kid has ADHD and is very good at math as well, but not so much other subjects, especially if writing is required. We're trying to help him learn about career options that will use his deep thinking, logic, and problem-solving skills. Ultimately, you can't pick a career path for someone with ADHD, though. They have to pick it and love it, or it will be a disaster, as I'm sure you know.

[Anonymous]

Some kids can have their parents help and some kids can not. We have one of each. We hired an EF coach for the one because it was affecting our relationship, even though DH and I are both highly organized and knew exactly what he should be doing. It helped a lot but it felt slow re: actually using the strategies. However when I look back at the end of the year vs now, it’s actually huge improvement, especially for bigger projects etc,