What would you do if your college kid was like this

[Anonymous]

Not sure where to post this, but here it is. Feel free to delete it or move it as you see fit.

We have a great kid—curious, kind, and genuinely loves learning. They’ve always been strong academically, especially in math and public policy, and they care deeply about the environment. They also value their friendships and enjoy being around people.

At the same time, they’ve been navigating ADHD and some depression in college. The depression is under control now, which we’re very grateful for, but ADHD continues to make certain things—especially getting started on tasks and following through—much harder than it might appear from the outside.

The biggest challenge isn’t ability—it’s initiation. Once they get going, they do very well. With accommodations and support, their grades have been solid. In fact, they routinely score 100/100 on college math exams, which still amazes us. They’re also the captain of their mock trial team at a top academic college, and on weekends they create and sell street art, donating most of what they earn to charity. There’s a lot to be proud of.

But when it comes to planning ahead—especially things like internships—it’s a different story. Last year, they found a part-time summer job at a law firm at the last minute, sometime in May. This year, they haven’t really started looking, or at least haven’t been able to fully engage in the process.

We understand that internships are increasingly competitive, and we don’t see it as a failure if they don’t secure one this summer. We’d be perfectly happy if they stayed home, spent time with friends, traveled a bit, and maybe volunteered with organizations they care about. We can always help them put together a meaningful summer.

At the same time, we wonder if we should be encouraging them more actively to pursue something related to their interests—something that could help build toward a future career—or if it’s better to step back and let them find their own pace.

They’ve said, half-jokingly, “I could rule the world without ADHD.” And honestly, we see what they mean—the potential is clearly there. But the reality is that they’re taking things day by day, without much long-term planning right now.

As parents, we’re trying to figure out where the balance is—between supporting, nudging, and simply accepting where they are. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

I think you have to let them manage this themselves. And also accept that if they actually have serious ADHD (seems unlikely) that they are not going to be grabbing all the many brass rings you think they should be grabbing. Actual neurodevelopmental disabilities means that kids won’t looks like the very top kids. Which is fine. Lower expectations in other words and even be happy if your kid comes to understand that a summer spent relaxing with low demands is better for them than always seeking prestige.

[Anonymous]

I think your expectations are too high and would be even if your kid didn't have depression or ADHD. You need to step back and let him live his life.

[Anonymous]

So your kid is not quite perfect. Be thrilled he’s doing so well. The future will happen without an internship.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a great kid and insightful enough to realize that the ADHD still is an issue (and probably always will be). He has to figure this out himself, and will have to follow his own timeline. The next time ADHD comes up in conversation, ask, don’t tell. Ask what strategies work, how they handle long-term planning, and what supports might help. Does there need to be a medication adjustment? Are there executive functioning coaches available to help? Ask and listen. So far the kid sounds like they are doing fine, and it’s so important to let them figure this out on their own. Maybe they don’t do an internship until after graduation. That’s fine. Don’t worry about a timeline as long as progress is being made.

[Anonymous]

My ADHD kid is far more motivated by watching his friends gear up for things like a job search than by us (his parents) nagging him.

Also, don't underestimate how tough it is out there. Kids are applying to sometimes hundreds of job listings and getting little to no response. If you help your kid cobble together a meaningful summer then maybe he or she will be more motivated/directed when it comes time to look for a real job senior year.

[Anonymous]

Also, there are coaches who work with kids on job searches if you have the $. This could be good executive function training for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Ease up and enjoy your kid. Let them learn, make mistakes, and when you spend time with them let it be positive and fun. Some of this will get easier with maturity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure where to post this, but here it is. Feel free to delete it or move it as you see fit.

We have a great kid—curious, kind, and genuinely loves learning. They’ve always been strong academically, especially in math and public policy, and they care deeply about the environment. They also value their friendships and enjoy being around people.

At the same time, they’ve been navigating ADHD and some depression in college. The depression is under control now, which we’re very grateful for, but ADHD continues to make certain things—especially getting started on tasks and following through—much harder than it might appear from the outside.

The biggest challenge isn’t ability—it’s initiation. Once they get going, they do very well. With accommodations and support, their grades have been solid. In fact, they routinely score 100/100 on college math exams, which still amazes us. They’re also the captain of their mock trial team at a top academic college, and on weekends they create and sell street art, donating most of what they earn to charity. There’s a lot to be proud of.

But when it comes to planning ahead—especially things like internships—it’s a different story. Last year, they found a part-time summer job at a law firm at the last minute, sometime in May. This year, they haven’t really started looking, or at least haven’t been able to fully engage in the process.

We understand that internships are increasingly competitive, and we don’t see it as a failure if they don’t secure one this summer. We’d be perfectly happy if they stayed home, spent time with friends, traveled a bit, and maybe volunteered with organizations they care about. We can always help them put together a meaningful summer.

At the same time, we wonder if we should be encouraging them more actively to pursue something related to their interests—something that could help build toward a future career—or if it’s better to step back and let them find their own pace.

They’ve said, half-jokingly, “I could rule the world without ADHD.” And honestly, we see what they mean—the potential is clearly there. But the reality is that they’re taking things day by day, without much long-term planning right now.

As parents, we’re trying to figure out where the balance is—between supporting, nudging, and simply accepting where they are. What would you do?

I don't see a real problem here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ADHD kid is far more motivated by watching his friends gear up for things like a job search than by us (his parents) nagging him.

Also, don't underestimate how tough it is out there. Kids are applying to sometimes hundreds of job listings and getting little to no response. If you help your kid cobble together a meaningful summer then maybe he or she will be more motivated/directed when it comes time to look for a real job senior year.

+1 Many kids who have lots of initiative and are great planners are struggling to find internships/jobs right now.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the replies. Your feedback definitely gave me some things to think about.

[Anonymous]

Is there some kind of specialized ADHD coach you can connect them with?

Your kid sounds great, btw!

[Anonymous]

They talk to a therapist every week, which seems to be helpful according to them. We don’t know where to find ADHD coach. As parents we make ourselves available anytime anywhere. At least once a week a parent will be body doubling on FaceTime so they could get sth important done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, there are coaches who work with kids on job searches if you have the $. This could be good executive function training for your kid.

Genuine question: what is the difference between hiring a coach to work with your child vs. you as the parent try to help guide and support them? I have excellent executive function and if my child does not, what would be wrong with my working to advise and guide my child just as a coach would?

[Anonymous]

Do they care they aren't applying to internships? Are they asking for help or frustrated with themselves? I was like this and for some of it I needed to just fail, especially the things I didn't care much about.