Neurodivergent boyfriend
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Anonymous
| Be careful with this. I have an ADHD spouse and it gets harder and harder to deal with over time. |
Anonymous
+1 kids, a stressful job, a move migh totally derail him |
Anonymous
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His neurodivergence causes him to be super blunt all the time ~ this does not need to be "his normal". Yes he is going to be way more blunt than others but he has and must exhibit some control. If not, he's likely just an a hole.
Watch the movie The Social Network and notice the scene, it's early in the movie, when the girlfriend breaks-up. Actually, watch the entire movie. |
Anonymous
| There's a good chance he'll be a terrible life partner and an even worse father. If you suspect either of those may be the case, don't pursue this relationship. I wish women listened to their gut feelings more often. Op you said you are reluctant, listen to yourself. |
Anonymous
Your writing is so odd and difficult to follow. |
Anonymous
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OP, I understand why you posted this in the Relationship forum because it's a relationship issue, but most people in this forum don't really understand neurodivergence, so you have a lot of people saying "if he can do X, he can stop saying Y to you." I think it's not so black and white when it comes to neurodivergence.
There are some diagnoses that have characteristics that would make a person very blunt like you describe. People with autism usually also have a deficit in pragmatic social communication. People with ADHD also usually have a pragmatic social communication deficit, but for different reasons than autism (more impulsivity and an executive dysfunction that made it hard to acquire implicit rules of interpersonal communication). So, there is an underlying biological aspect to the blunt communication, that makes it hard (but not impossible) to change communication. When I say "hard," I mean that it happens with some effort - education, training and practice - and change doesn't happen easily when a partner says, "honey I don't like it when you say X." Some kids with these diagnoses learn some of the social communication aspects through CBT therapy with a psychologist who is helping them improve relationships, or through DBT therapy (often borderline diagnosis) or through speech and language therapy (when the SLP is trying to remediate the pragmatic social communication part). I grew up with a verbally abusive mom, so I understand that there is a real impact when people tell you mean things over time, even when you have a reason to dismiss it. I never doubted that my mom loved me and wanted to do her best by me and did a lot to support me, yet her verbal abuse definitely had a lifelong negative impact on me. So, I, like other PPs and like yourself, wouldn't at all underestimate the impact of that negativity over time. If I were in your position, I would really want to know what his specific diagnosis is and whether he has ever done therapy about it - either with a psychologist or therapist or with a speech/language person. Have you ever done therapy? It might be good for you to do some individual therapy with someone who can help you understand what the impact of his diagnosis is or might be in the future, and who can help assess whether there are any "self-wounds" that you should address that lead you to stay with someone who speaks in such a blunt way. Many people would leave at the first boundary violation in terms of derogatory talk, but you did not, so do you have some kind of vulnerability that you should address? In saying the above, I don't want to convey that all neurodivergent people should be left, but you need to be very careful that you are not the only one doing the emotional labor of absorbing those insults. If you really do love him and are considering marriage and he is also talking about marriage, then I think it's reasonable to have a conversation with him where you say that you love him and can see a future with him but that the blunt derogatory talk is really hurtful to you, even though you understand that he may do it as an aspect of his neurodivergence, so you're asking him if he would be open to doing therapy, either jointly or individually, so that you and he can learn more about his neurodivergence and can learn how to cope with it in kind supportive ways. To ask him to change this part of him is not a simple ask, and for many neurodivergent people having to change in this way is a form of "masking" that can be exhausting. So that is something for him to think about on his end - can he really sustain a long term relationship where he masks all the time? I think that very much depends on what his "unmasked" behavior, how hard it is to reign it in, and how damaging it is (which is both an issue of what is "sent" and how it is "received"). I also would want to know if BF has ever tried or would be open to consider medication. For example, some people with ADHD can speak very impulsively and judgmentally. Medication can help with impulsivity, allowing a person to engage their filter. Non-stimulants like Straterra can also help with the judgmental aspect of ADHD. Some people with autism also take medication. FWIW, it isn't your job just to absorb the blow of his bluntness because he is neurodivergent. You don't owe him that (no one does). I think if he has some self-awareness and is willing to make an effort to learn and grow, that is a different. I would also be very self-aware that you are not just perpetuating a pattern that you learned to absorb in childhood. |
Anonymous
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Bluntness is the least of your worries OP.
Wait until he hits the wall / his low limit of executive functioning skills of being a married adult with children and a job. |
Anonymous
“ND” with what diagnosis PP? Who put together the routine for him? Who reminded him to do it? |
Anonymous
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This sounds like an excuse for him to be rude.
I wouldn’t marry someone as such. |
Anonymous
| Don’t marry an autistic person |
Anonymous
| Read through this forum and you will see plenty of non neurodivergent people complaining about there spouses, except they are doing to here behind there spouses back. Is that more acceptable to you. |
Anonymous
I mean my dad was a college professor. Having autism doesn’t mean you are an idiot or incapable of caring for yourself … stop indulging in total stereotypes. People with autism have always been able to live productive lives. But to satisfy your curiosity, he learned just like everyone else, from his (large) family and later from a religious school where the kids did a lot of chores. And then he taught me that, and I teach my kid to do chores. Doing chores on a schedule is not rocket science. |
Anonymous
+1 - happening to me right now and it’s hell. And DH wasn’t diagnosed until recently |
Anonymous
It's clearly someone with ESL. Stop being ugly to people on the internet -- your comment is unhelpful at best. |
Anonymous
Fascinating what an insightful mature child you were that you noticed and know all the ins & outs of your parent’s marriage and how they ran the household. |