Neurodivergent boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is diagnosed "neurodivergent." It's not a diagnosis.

At any rate, get the heck away from him. You should be more than reluctant to marry anyone who complains about your "traits" at all, let alone "regularly."

No, it is politically correct mumbo jumbo to relabel people we used to use other names for.

[Anonymous]

Do not do this.
Your children may inherit his neurodivergence. Then you will be parenting ND children while he is at best tuned out and possibly is emotionally abusive to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is diagnosed neurodivergent. I love him a bunch. He is insanely smart and we have a lot in common.

His neurodivergence causes him to be super blunt all the time. He is very direct in expressing this he doesn’t like about me, though I know overall he loves me deeply.

We are talking marriage and I feel reluctant to marry someone who may complain about my traits regularly. Anyone have experience
With this?

Unless you are really in love with him, look for a kind partner, even if he isn't insanely smart. If you do want to marry him, date him for at least two years before marriage. This way you'll get to experience the extent of his divergence and your tolerance level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not do this.
Your children may inherit his neurodivergence. Then you will be parenting ND children while he is at best tuned out and possibly is emotionally abusive to them.

So true. Unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is diagnosed neurodivergent. I love him a bunch. He is insanely smart and we have a lot in common.

His neurodivergence causes him to be super blunt all the time. He is very direct in expressing this he doesn’t like about me, though I know overall he loves me deeply.

We are talking marriage and I feel reluctant to marry someone who may complain about my traits regularly. Anyone have experience
With this?

My niece just married a man with ASD. He is brilliant and quirky. She loves him and he loves her deeply. He really appreciates the best things about her. Yes, he's a bit odd, and there are some things we don't like about him (he's quite acquisitive and materialistic, for example.) But he told my niece right up front that he is on the autism spectrum and she's a child psychologist, so she has some insights. He earns a lot of money in some tech field, so that's helpful, as they won't have money worries (unless his spending goes crazy). I think there are some risks, but it depends on the person. The bluntness, yes, that's an issue, but you can explain to him that you don't like it, and he can learn to curtail that speech, even if he doesn't "believe" in it or it seems unnatural to him to not say just whatever pops into his head.

[Anonymous]

Try being equally blunt right back to him and see how he likes it. Girl, you are making excuses for him. Life is too long for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is diagnosed neurodivergent. I love him a bunch. He is insanely smart and we have a lot in common.

His neurodivergence causes him to be super blunt all the time. He is very direct in expressing this he doesn’t like about me, though I know overall he loves me deeply.

We are talking marriage and I feel reluctant to marry someone who may complain about my traits regularly. Anyone have experience
With this?

Never heard of this with ND people.
They usually mainly focus on their personal needs and hyperfocus, and don’t notice what’s going on elsewhere or with someone else.

No that’s you, not them

My kid is ND and definitely notices more than his personal needs. If anything, he is unaware of his personal needs and could benefit from more insight. But he is really really good at learning social rules once they are taught to him, and really motivated to make me happy and be with friends.

OP I can’t say if this relationship will last long term but I recommend speaking directly to him about things that hurt your feelings and working out ways to talk about issues that don’t hurt your feelings. See what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uh...a$$hole is not in the DSM but neither is neurodivergent per se.

He is misapplying and ballooning whatever diagnosis he does have to make excuses for rude behavior.

People don't get to be rude just because they're autistic. Bottom line.

Possibly. But without any examples we don’t know exactly what he is saying. For example my ND kid will say “mommy you really have so many wrinkles now!” Or “you smell like old person hair.” Then we have a conversation about how people don’t like their personal appearance to be commented on. That kind of bluntness can be addressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My bigger concern would be that parenting young kids is extremely stressful and it requires a LOT of pretending to be okay when you are tired, annoyed, overstimulated, etc. And sometimes pretending not to hate your spouse when in the moment, you want them to sit on a porcupine. And committing to not bean counting at least in the short and medium term. You do the pretending because you can see past the immediate discomfort, injustice and rage and you still believe in the long term vision.

If someone can’t do that, they might be a wonderful person and a good partner, but I think coparent will be difficult.

My dad was ND and had his issues but he was a fantastic dad and partner in terms of doing work. Totally unflappable and did the lions share of the childcare after the baby stage and housecleaning. Running a household with kids takes routines and he was great at that. I don’t think you can assume anything along those lines.

[Anonymous]

I think it matters a LOT here whether this guy is on the spectrum (in which case OP just needs to actually speak up and explain why he has to stop making comments about her) or if he is “neurodivergent” as in possibly self-diagnosed with ADHD or some such. If the latter, that trend can lump a lot of personality issues under the label “neurodivergent.”

[Anonymous]

People often use this term to both extract sympathy and excuse bad behavior.

Whatever he is doing will get worse, not better, with marriage. Do you want this man raising your children? Proceed with extreme caution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People often use this term to both extract sympathy and excuse bad behavior.

Whatever he is doing will get worse, not better, with marriage. Do you want this man raising your children? Proceed with extreme caution.

Well OP hasn’t said anything about how she has tried to address the situation. All relationships run into problems - so one key factor in figuring out whether to get married is how you handle the problems. What has OP done so far?

[Anonymous]

My husband complains about my communication style. I have to be very specific when coordinating or explaining things to him. My texts with him end up being lengthy because he can't "read between the lines."
That's the only trait he's complained about, and it's something I can accommodate. What traits does your boyfriend complain about? Are they things you can (or want) to change about yourself?

[Anonymous]

My partner had Autism. I had no idea. Breaking up was hard for him. They are no more and passing early is tied to their reckless behavior.
Making up was even harder. They just couldn't do the things needed for me to come back.They would have had to change behavior. They couldn't.
Dating someone with ASD is like extra 5 layers hard. Maybe two ASD dating makes more sense.
He made me their everything. Ofcourse it felt good, but then the control started. Lots of silent treatment as they couldn't figure out what upset him.

[Anonymous]

People get worse as they age, me included

Can you handle that?