Parents that have no interest in knowing any of their kids friends unless it helps them professionally or socially

[Anonymous]

Maybe these people already knew each other. In our school, the proportion of parents who already know each other (even if their kids don't hang together) is dramatically high (we are not from the DMV), and those bonds are pretty strong. And even if they don't already know each other, there is definitely a type who always finds others of the same type. That's not uncommon. Sure, they might be social climbers, but they also just might be more like each other than they are like you.

in my case, I def. give off a vibe that I look down on insular people who don't like anything new or different in their lives. So I am definitely excluded. C'est la vie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is friends with another kid. The mom was at my house and we had a hours long intimate conversation. I felt like I had made a new friend. Then at the next school event she acts like I'm invisible. Of course her house cost 10x what mine did.
She probably thinks I'm a social climber but I just enjoyed the conversation. I would have wanted to be her friend even if she was poor.

Welcome to America. As an immigrant, this is how I finally get to know the culture difference. In America, people have their families nearby; they DO NOT need new friends. So they don't really become close. You can have a long chat and they said you are "fabulous" and " will def invite you for a tea". Then the next day, they are back to "Hello" and walk away. When I first came here, when people say "how are you"? I thought they meant to ask me how I am doing. But I realized, once and once again, you just say " I am great, how are you" and keep going. They DO NOT need your friendship. The society is all about superfacial pratical relationships. They have their in-laws, grandparents, aunts, high school buddies, or college sorority roommates to hang out with in New Jersey or Virginia. Why do they care about you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard not to fall into the trap because your kid starts to notice when they aren’t invited to things. Now that she is a bit older, I can tell her that it’s not her, it’s her parents that are not being invited to parties and lunches after school wide events. We aren’t unlikeable people, but we can’t offer much socially. Having a playdate at our house means nothing because we aren’t members of a country club (no recommendation letters). Our jobs aren’t exciting- not a lot of business referrals here. We don’t have a beach house at Bethany Beach, can’t crash at our place.

But we have found our people. There are way more confident, happy people than the social climbers. And even within the social climbing cliques, there’s a weird pecking order and lots of pain and exclusion. I’m happy to not be part of that- truly. There’s something empowering with growing up, you care less. Isn’t that the goal?

I hope my kid understands when she is an adult.

The nicest parents are always at the top of the pecking order. I have a kid who became good friends with the kids of the popular crowd at a $$ school and there are plenty of parents who snub us at group events but the most successful, top of the food chain ones have always been warm and friendly. It's the layers beneath this that treat others like they don't exist. And the kids themselves are great and by high school they're the ones that do the inviting etc (and their parents treat my kid really well). It's weird and I'd rather not have to deal with any of it but we're in too deep now to move or change schools.

I have the opposite problem. My kid is super popular. Everyone wants to invite my kid to drop-off playdates. But I doon't know the family. I hope I have more time to get to know them better before drop-off playdates.

[Anonymous]

Such is life.

[Anonymous]

A few of these accounts I could have written verbatim, so this tells you that this is just one of the oddities of raising kids in this area. You find a way to manage it or move. You must be doing something right for people to go out of their way to be rude and mean. Some of these people are 50+ and are more juvenile than their own children. Trust me, as an adult, some of them aren’t people you would want to get to know. It’s so unfortunate.

[Anonymous]

narcissists. stay far away from them- not like you have another option, but you know what i mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not about me but I am trying to figure out what motivates parents that have zero interaction with any of their childrens best friends parents. No interaction. No hello. Nothing. The only parents they interact with are parents that can help them socially or professionally but their kids are not friends with those parents kids. What is the word I am thinking of here?

Private school isn’t for YOU to make friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not about me but I am trying to figure out what motivates parents that have zero interaction with any of their childrens best friends parents. No interaction. No hello. Nothing. The only parents they interact with are parents that can help them socially or professionally but their kids are not friends with those parents kids. What is the word I am thinking of here?

Private school isn’t for YOU to make friends.

DP. Being in a community impacts your kids' experience. It can make or break their experience. Affects the kids 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is friends with another kid. The mom was at my house and we had a hours long intimate conversation. I felt like I had made a new friend. Then at the next school event she acts like I'm invisible. Of course her house cost 10x what mine did.
She probably thinks I'm a social climber but I just enjoyed the conversation. I would have wanted to be her friend even if she was poor.

That's part of it. Some of them just cannot comprehend that everyone else doesn't care who they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not about me but I am trying to figure out what motivates parents that have zero interaction with any of their childrens best friends parents. No interaction. No hello. Nothing. The only parents they interact with are parents that can help them socially or professionally but their kids are not friends with those parents kids. What is the word I am thinking of here?

Private school isn’t for YOU to make friends.

You would think that. That’s how normal people think. But the whole point of all these socials at school is to meet your besties.

[Anonymous]

You just have to find the kind moms in the midst of the jerk strivers. There are always kind people in the mix--some are the top moms socially, some are at the fridge of the crowd, some are in the middle.

And we found that the dads are almost always nice. My husband has had zero problems talking with the other dads and after a few interactions they have always been warm to him at every gathering---coming over to him, talking to him, inviting him to things. My husband is not the bro type at all but is smart and a bit quirky.

The dads are like "hey guy, how are you?" to my husband while their wives routinely look through right me when I say a warm hello during the course of the same evening. I often feel like saying: "did your husband not get the message? We can't advance your standing. He's not supposed to be interacting with us."

Women are frankly just bit$%Tches.

[Anonymous]

I have kids in both public and private schools. You can’t generalize like this. There are antisocial parents in both, social climbers in both and very nice families in both.

I have three kids and I don’t need to make friends through my kids. I don’t really care.

One extremely successful couple came to our house and stayed for a long time for their middle school child. I was surprised parents were coming inside our home and staying for the “play date”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I read your post in recent topics and thought, I have no idea what this person is talking about, maybe she has an anxiety disorder or mental illness. Then noticed it was posted in private schools. Not a public school thing.
!

It is very obvious from your incorrect punctuation and grammar that you are in the incorrect forum. Hopefully you find your way back to whichever forum it was that you wanted to be in?

You missed a comma.

No, they did not.

They missed multiple commas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just have to find the kind moms in the midst of the jerk strivers. There are always kind people in the mix--some are the top moms socially, some are at the fridge of the crowd, some are in the middle.

And we found that the dads are almost always nice. My husband has had zero problems talking with the other dads and after a few interactions they have always been warm to him at every gathering---coming over to him, talking to him, inviting him to things. My husband is not the bro type at all but is smart and a bit quirky.

The dads are like "hey guy, how are you?" to my husband while their wives routinely look through right me when I say a warm hello during the course of the same evening. I often feel like saying: "did your husband not get the message? We can't advance your standing. He's not supposed to be interacting with us."

Women are frankly just bit$%Tches.

DP. Yup the "letters" it is a real thing. They know who to cozy up to and it is a very obvious strategic thing. Sad thing is they involve the kids too. Wonder why the kid that is not friends with a certain crowd is getting invited to everything? It is because that kids' parents or grandparents belong to clubs like "M."

All schools have some aspect of this but the schools where it is a LARGE percentage are the ones that have a very negative community vibe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard not to fall into the trap because your kid starts to notice when they aren’t invited to things. Now that she is a bit older, I can tell her that it’s not her, it’s her parents that are not being invited to parties and lunches after school wide events. We aren’t unlikeable people, but we can’t offer much socially. Having a playdate at our house means nothing because we aren’t members of a country club (no recommendation letters). Our jobs aren’t exciting- not a lot of business referrals here. We don’t have a beach house at Bethany Beach, can’t crash at our place.

But we have found our people. There are way more confident, happy people than the social climbers. And even within the social climbing cliques, there’s a weird pecking order and lots of pain and exclusion. I’m happy to not be part of that- truly. There’s something empowering with growing up, you care less. Isn’t that the goal?

I hope my kid understands when she is an adult.

The nicest parents are always at the top of the pecking order. I have a kid who became good friends with the kids of the popular crowd at a $$ school and there are plenty of parents who snub us at group events but the most successful, top of the food chain ones have always been warm and friendly. It's the layers beneath this that treat others like they don't exist. And the kids themselves are great and by high school they're the ones that do the inviting etc (and their parents treat my kid really well). It's weird and I'd rather not have to deal with any of it but we're in too deep now to move or change schools.

It's easy to be generous when you are wealthy just as it is easy to be socially generous when you have a lot of social capital. They don't have to jockey for position.