15yo smacked 5yo - SIL lost it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend’s 15yo hit my 4yo nephew. He was annoying her and she lightly smacked his arm. It wasn’t hard, didn’t cause injury, but he cried.

My SIL (brothers wife) immediately yelled at my boyfriend, called him a lazy dad, and my boyfriend yelled back at her, said she was dramatic and couldn’t control her kid, they were going on back and fourth for a couple minutes. After we left, he took his daughter to dinner, went shopping, bought her dessert and a new watch.

I guess everyone was reacting in the moment, but I’m still trying to process whether this was handled well and what would have been more appropriate. How would you have handled it? Did they overact?

Your family sounds incredibly trashy. Same with your boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend’s 15yo hit my 4yo nephew. He was annoying her and she lightly smacked his arm. It wasn’t hard, didn’t cause injury, but he cried.

My SIL (brothers wife) immediately yelled at my boyfriend, called him a lazy dad, and my boyfriend yelled back at her, said she was dramatic and couldn’t control her kid, they were going on back and fourth for a couple minutes. After we left, he took his daughter to dinner, went shopping, bought her dessert and a new watch.

I guess everyone was reacting in the moment, but I’m still trying to process whether this was handled well and what would have been more appropriate. How would you have handled it? Did they overact?

Well, she learned that behavior from somewhere... Don't be surprised if your boyfriend "lightly smacks" you the next time you annoy him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend’s 15yo hit my 4yo nephew. He was annoying her and she lightly smacked his arm. It wasn’t hard, didn’t cause injury, but he cried.

My SIL (brothers wife) immediately yelled at my boyfriend, called him a lazy dad, and my boyfriend yelled back at her, said she was dramatic and couldn’t control her kid, they were going on back and fourth for a couple minutes. After we left, he took his daughter to dinner, went shopping, bought her dessert and a new watch.

I guess everyone was reacting in the moment, but I’m still trying to process whether this was handled well and what would have been more appropriate. How would you have handled it? Did they overact?

What kind of people actually act like this? In 46 years I have never witnessed two people yelling at each other for a couple minutes except on Bravo. Gross. Your whole dynamic is gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The kids were playing together at first. Later, my boyfriend’s daughter sat down by herself and my nephew followed her over. She told him no and told me that he kept touching her stuff, so I told him to play with the other kids, which he did.

A few minutes later he came back. That’s when she swatted his arm. He started to cry and reached for me, so I picked him up and comforted him. My SIL came in from another room when she heard him cry and comforted him, and after he had calmed down, she confronted my boyfriend. She didn’t say anything negative about his daughter, but did criticize him.

This story is no better than your first. You don't hit toddlers and you don't scream at people. Is that really that hard to understand for all of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your boyfriend and his daughter are crap people. She hit a small child. She didn't tell him to stop, didn't move away, didn't ask a parent to step in, just hit him. And her parent took her out and rewarded that behavior.

I would dump him and apologize to my actual relative.

+1
That is is a no-brainer. He rewards bad behavior, and this teen has learned that reacting with violence is ok. Either no filter or has been hit herself. Not a bright future there.
Consider this a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The kids were playing together at first. Later, my boyfriend’s daughter sat down by herself and my nephew followed her over. She told him no and told me that he kept touching her stuff, so I told him to play with the other kids, which he did.

A few minutes later he came back. That’s when she swatted his arm. He started to cry and reached for me, so I picked him up and comforted him. My SIL came in from another room when she heard him cry and comforted him, and after he had calmed down, she confronted my boyfriend. She didn’t say anything negative about his daughter, but did criticize him.

This story is no better than your first. You don't hit toddlers and you don't scream at people. Is that really that hard to understand for all of you?

A child that is turning five is no longer a toddler. And should know better than to pester people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The kids were playing together at first. Later, my boyfriend’s daughter sat down by herself and my nephew followed her over. She told him no and told me that he kept touching her stuff, so I told him to play with the other kids, which he did.

A few minutes later he came back. That’s when she swatted his arm. He started to cry and reached for me, so I picked him up and comforted him. My SIL came in from another room when she heard him cry and comforted him, and after he had calmed down, she confronted my boyfriend. She didn’t say anything negative about his daughter, but did criticize him.

Sounds like the 15 yr old tried multiple times to get the 5 yo to stop. Used words, moved locations, etc. A swat on the arm is not “smacking” - so which is it? You initially made it seem like the 15 year old abused the 5 year old.
I imagine a swat on the arm is not hard - and has the intended purpose of getting the child to leave things alone without actually inflicting harm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The kids were playing together at first. Later, my boyfriend’s daughter sat down by herself and my nephew followed her over. She told him no and told me that he kept touching her stuff, so I told him to play with the other kids, which he did.

A few minutes later he came back. That’s when she swatted his arm. He started to cry and reached for me, so I picked him up and comforted him. My SIL came in from another room when she heard him cry and comforted him, and after he had calmed down, she confronted my boyfriend. She didn’t say anything negative about his daughter, but did criticize him.

This story is no better than your first. You don't hit toddlers and you don't scream at people. Is that really that hard to understand for all of you?

A child that is turning five is no longer a toddler. And should know better than to pester people.

Oh for crying out loud, 5 year olds are annoying by definition. This teen was out of line and OP should dump this boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on here calling a swat on the arm abuse and calling a 15 year old girl a crap person are psychotic drama llamas who are probably raising spoiled, entitled monsters. FWIW.

+1
You guys are nuts. It was a seat on the arm. And no I don’t hit my kids but I also don’t view something like that as “hitting kids”. He was probably reaching again for something she told him not to touch so she smacked his arm away. This seems like regular kid stuff among families.

First of all, hitting someone on the arm is hitting someone. I can not fathom how you can convince yourself otherwise.

As a parent of teenagers and a 4 year old, I agree that this kind of thing happens sometimes between siblings. In my household the older sibling would have significant consequences, and we'd increase supervision of both kids, and a reminder of boundaries for both kids. I certainly wouldn't respond by taking the older kid shopping!

But hitting a kid who isn't in your family? That's a different thing. Especially in a supervised setting with adults that the older kid could have called on.

Having said that, OP seems to be arguing that both the preschooler's behavior was repeated and so egregious that hitting him was justified, but she also seems to have sat and watched the behavior, without intervening.

Finally, screaming at each other isn't the solution, whichever parent didn't live there should have left. If I was the parent of younger child, my child would never be around those people (aunt who justified this, boyfriend, teen) again, without me in the room supervising. People who justify this kind of behavior don't get a second chance with my kid.

I will also note that even among parents who spank, "did not cause an injury" is a terrible standard for what's appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The kids were playing together at first. Later, my boyfriend’s daughter sat down by herself and my nephew followed her over. She told him no and told me that he kept touching her stuff, so I told him to play with the other kids, which he did.

A few minutes later he came back. That’s when she swatted his arm. He started to cry and reached for me, so I picked him up and comforted him. My SIL came in from another room when she heard him cry and comforted him, and after he had calmed down, she confronted my boyfriend. She didn’t say anything negative about his daughter, but did criticize him.

Sounds like the 15 yr old tried multiple times to get the 5 yo to stop. Used words, moved locations, etc. A swat on the arm is not “smacking” - so which is it? You initially made it seem like the 15 year old abused the 5 year old.
I imagine a swat on the arm is not hard - and has the intended purpose of getting the child to leave things alone without actually inflicting harm.

OP said she “lightly smacked his hand without causing harm or injury”.
I took it to mean the same thing as swatting.

[Anonymous]

If 15yo was trying to do the something and the 4yo kept annoying her the 4yo parent should have stepped in. They didn’t so the 15yo got annoyed and reacted. Hitting is not ok but it’s understandable in the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The kids were playing together at first. Later, my boyfriend’s daughter sat down by herself and my nephew followed her over. She told him no and told me that he kept touching her stuff, so I told him to play with the other kids, which he did.

A few minutes later he came back. That’s when she swatted his arm. He started to cry and reached for me, so I picked him up and comforted him. My SIL came in from another room when she heard him cry and comforted him, and after he had calmed down, she confronted my boyfriend. She didn’t say anything negative about his daughter, but did criticize him.

This story is no better than your first. You don't hit toddlers and you don't scream at people. Is that really that hard to understand for all of you?

An almost 5 year old isn’t a toddler, dram queen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your boyfriend and his daughter are crap people. She hit a small child. She didn't tell him to stop, didn't move away, didn't ask a parent to step in, just hit him. And her parent took her out and rewarded that behavior.

I would dump him and apologize to my actual relative.

I would dump him too. That’s such a bad parenting choice that I could never want him as part of my family. It would be like inviting a problem into your family. Imagine the conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on here calling a swat on the arm abuse and calling a 15 year old girl a crap person are psychotic drama llamas who are probably raising spoiled, entitled monsters. FWIW.

No, they’re people who realize that 15 year olds are employee as camp counselors and babysitters and if they hit a kid in those contexts, there are police/cps consequences.

This was not the situation here. This girl wasn’t being paid to put up with the SIL’s little brat. They probably expected her to watch the kid for free because she’s a girl.

Tl;dr What’s that got to do with the price of tea in China?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team Teen. I’m assuming the girl didn’t immediately resort to swatting him on the arm. And I’m assuming SIL wasn’t discipline fhim or keeping a proper eye on him.

Depending on how long you’ve been dating your boyfriend, these are quasi-family. Teens and toddlers will sometimes scuffle or not act like their best selves. Your SIL overreacted. And your boyfriend got pissed and met her energy.

Same.

A swat on the arm is hardly abuse. The mom wasn't controlling the 5-year old, letting him bug the 15-year old. A 15-year old will resort to a swat. Would the mom have preferred the teen verbally rip into the kid and let him have it, which is another 15-year old reaction?

I think the dad was rewarding the teen's sense of boundaries. Good on him, he sounds like a good dad. You don't want your young child annoying others, and you don't want teens resorting to any kind of harsh reaction. A swat is not a harsh reaction. The one who failed in this situation is the small child's mom who wouldn't control her young child and then over-reacted to the teen's mild swat.