Why is friendship and community so hard to cultivate?

[Anonymous]

Real friends come from experiencing life together. That’s why most of us have friends from childhood, college, early parenthood, or even work.

It’s very hard to patch together friends as adults. You must share experiences together. So if you’re serious, grab a new friend and go traveling together, build together (a garden, help with home renovations), volunteer together, join a club together, play sports together, go on adventures together .

[Anonymous]

It’s an American thing for sure. My theory is that people are very superficial in their interactions (you’ll shock people if you go deeper on issues right off the bat) and it doesn’t let friendships develop. Also hosting is perceived as a job, a chore, something monumental, whereas in Europe it’s just let’s get together at my place and everyone should bring something.

[Anonymous]

People are on the Internet so don't build their lives around in-person human interactions, and lose their ability to do so

[Anonymous]

My best friends are all from high school or work or my cousin. Because we all had real shared life experiences and struggles together. Not just the day to day mom stuff or whatever.

I have “social” friends where I live that I have made through the neighborhood or mom’s stuff or whatever but they aren’t my heart friends. I could be more social if I wanted to, but I’m just too tired lately that I’m 40s. I definitely don’t have room to make more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are the issue OP. I am in my late 40s children older, and I have no trouble meeting new people that share my interests and maintaining friendships.

Doubtful

[Anonymous]

I’ve been in DC for 20 consecutive years now (have also lived here in other times of my life), and we do have a great community and lots of friends but everyone is busy (for the most part). My closest friends from childhood, HS, college don’t live anywhere near DC, so over these 20 years I’ve developed newer friendships and many of those are now going on 10-20 years, but I also do have newer friends in the last 2-5 years as well. I will say it really takes time and effort to find your people. Most of the relationships I focus on are the ones that are reciprocal. I’m extroverted by nature so I do invite people to things a lot, but the people I am good friends with invite me to stuff too (even if it’s not totally reciprocal). Some of my friends struggle now with depression, loss of job and income, etc..in those cases, I do make more effort with them because they need it right now. They always say yes to doing things. I also have a friend group that’s been together about 20 years here now and there is one main person who does the majority of the social coordinating, although others alternate hosting here and there. Anyway, it takes a lot of time, and it’s so much harder the older you get! I find the mom friends are more easily made in the early years - babies, preschool, early ES.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does it feel almost impossible to form even casual friendships? (I don’t think this is unique to the DC area, by the way.) I’m not sure if it’s Covid, middle age, or what, but it seems to take an extraordinary effort for people to even be interested in getting together or getting to know new friends. I also think this is a uniquely American issue - I lived in Europe as a younger woman (though with a family) and the culture was definitely more community-oriented.

Thoughts?

There are so many Europeans in DC you can befriend them exclusively if you like that style. There’s a French community, German, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s an American thing for sure. My theory is that people are very superficial in their interactions (you’ll shock people if you go deeper on issues right off the bat) and it doesn’t let friendships develop. Also hosting is perceived as a job, a chore, something monumental, whereas in Europe it’s just let’s get together at my place and everyone should bring something.

Ha I was chatting with a German parent at a play date and was shocked at what personal and direct questions he asked!

[Anonymous]

Everyone in the DC area is a transplant who is just waiting to escape DC and go back to”home.”


Why would any of us want to make friends with people here, since it isn’t home to any of us?

[Anonymous]

At this point, I don’t maintain any more friendships or community at all.

I went through one of those low points where nearly everyone I knew suddenly started avoiding me. In a few other cases, as started to be kind of common a decade ago, I realized that some people I thought I knew well, I didn’t really know at all.

In one case, based on something someone said out loud, I said, “wait, did you ever even date a black person?” And that person said, “hell no, I ain’t no ****** lover”

I literally said right then I forgot I had to be somewhere and left. Blocked that person on my phone and never spoke to them ever again. I hope they know why.

Politics was just a big one. I’m close with my adult kids but that’s about all these days. I don’t mind. I’ve actually always been something of a loner, I don’t need constant companionship and would almost always rather be doing something on my own than in a group.

And now that’s exactly what I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP: to clarify, this is a new issue for me, one I’ve had since moving to a large town/small city in Appalachia nearly five Years ago. I’m from DC originally and have lived in several other US states, and Europe, and never had this issue before. I’m outgoing and friendly and normally (historically) had no issue finding a few people to pal around with. I just feel locked out - certainly don’t feel welcome - in this social scene, and it feels difficult even to form 1:1 friendships.

I work full-time and have three kids, so I understand the reality of having limited time to socialize. I just wish it didn’t feel so difficult. I wish you could just chat with people and easily transition to grabbing a coffee or going for a walk. Covid must have had something to do with this. I don’t know.

I held a Christmas party a few weeks ago and had a great turnout: everyone seemed to have a good time. However, no one has reached out since to get together otherwise.

Oh well.

OP, I’ve just learned that I will always need to organize 95% of my social interactions. It’s fine. I don’t need reciprocity. I just need connection.