Why is friendship and community so hard to cultivate?

[Anonymous]

I think in USA friendships are seem more as an opportunity not a priority. Long term friendship requires time and effort and in USA most people are too busy or stressed out to go the extra mile and keep the relationship alive.
Moreover people in USA move often, even thousand of miles away. Back where I am from many people still live in the same area in which they were born and raised

[Anonymous]

"In order to make lasting friendships and real community, you have to be willing to admit you don't have it all figured out, and not expect others to have it figured out either. "

Love this. Agree.

[Anonymous]

It’s is the system and culture that makes it very hard.
Imagine inviting your friends for coffee at the coffee shop during week days.
It rarely happens except on Friends Tv show.

[Anonymous]

I can only offer some anecdotes. Five years ago, I joined one of the ‘friend making’ groups frequently recommended (think book club/church group) and although I’d consider the women I’ve met ‘friends’, I think I hang out with the group outside the ‘club’ maybe 1-2x a year and haven’t made any close friends. Here’s what I’ve noticed:

1. This area is very transient. I am the only original member left in the group; every year at least three people leave and three people enter.
2. People are busy and don’t prioritize relationships. We’re lucky to get half the group at each meeting, and most of the cancellations are for pretty lame reasons. There are some members who literally attend once every 3-4 months (club meets biweekly). No one in the group has children and most are single, so it’s not a childcare situation, people just prioritize other things.
3. People in this are generally competitive and see each other as competition versus friends. Most conversations are a pissing match over jobs, vacations, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s is the system and culture that makes it very hard.
Imagine inviting your friends for coffee at the coffee shop during week days.
It rarely happens except on Friends Tv show.

This. I work and commute, and I have elementary and middle school kids. I don't have time to meet to form casual acquaintances. I did when the kids were much younger - met on the playground, that sort of thing. But now the kids form their own friendships and don't need parents at the playground, or they meet up with friends somewhere other than a playground. So when I take time for myself to meet friends, it's almost always going to be old friends, not new ones. And our weekends do involve a fair amount of family time or kid activities. If you have to plan around all this, it's hard for things to happen organically.

I'm hoping when they are older, it will be easier. Or at least once I retire! ... in 20 years.

[Anonymous]

You need someone in your circle who consistently hosts and coordinates social gatherings. If you can't find that someone, then try becoming that someone yourself. It's what worked for us, and over time we found that people started to reciprocate and we didn't have to always be the ones making the plans.

[Anonymous]

I always thought friendships/community were trading off who does the inviting and that it should not always be one person. I think it may be a social skill that not everyone was taught (I might be wrong) but in this area at least some people just react and don’t proactively invite (both adult to adult and kids for play date.) Everyone’s entitled to be busy at times but it can cause hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are the issue OP. I am in my late 40s children older, and I have no trouble meeting new people that share my interests and maintaining friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always thought friendships/community were trading off who does the inviting and that it should not always be one person. I think it may be a social skill that not everyone was taught (I might be wrong) but in this area at least some people just react and don’t proactively invite (both adult to adult and kids for play date.) Everyone’s entitled to be busy at times but it can cause hurt feelings.

People around here are too busy worrying about being judged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are the issue OP. I am in my late 40s children older, and I have no trouble meeting new people that share my interests and maintaining friendships.

Not OP but given how lacking in empathy your comment is, I question how good of a friend you could possibly be.

[Anonymous]

I do have a nice group of friends here in DC, most of whom I met because we became moms together. We are friends for the same reasons people become friends throughout life: a combination of proximity, shared experiences, and chemistry (I find them all funny, which is important to me). It took me over 20 years in DC to build this.

My oldest daughter, OTOH, moved to a European country famous for its friendliness and has immediately become part of a very tight knit group of friends. In three months! DD is not a gregarious person, though friendship is super important to her, and it has been amazing to watch how open these people are to forming friendships quickly. It’s like everyone there meets people wanting to be friends, vs assuming they won’t be friends.

[Anonymous]

This is OP: to clarify, this is a new issue for me, one I’ve had since moving to a large town/small city in Appalachia nearly five Years ago. I’m from DC originally and have lived in several other US states, and Europe, and never had this issue before. I’m outgoing and friendly and normally (historically) had no issue finding a few people to pal around with. I just feel locked out - certainly don’t feel welcome - in this social scene, and it feels difficult even to form 1:1 friendships.

I work full-time and have three kids, so I understand the reality of having limited time to socialize. I just wish it didn’t feel so difficult. I wish you could just chat with people and easily transition to grabbing a coffee or going for a walk. Covid must have had something to do with this. I don’t know.

I held a Christmas party a few weeks ago and had a great turnout: everyone seemed to have a good time. However, no one has reached out since to get together otherwise.

Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Due to the ubiquitous therapy encounters, people sort of forgot what the unpaid non-professional human interaction looks like. Many have completely unrealistic expectations for their potential friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP: to clarify, this is a new issue for me, one I’ve had since moving to a large town/small city in Appalachia nearly five Years ago. I’m from DC originally and have lived in several other US states, and Europe, and never had this issue before. I’m outgoing and friendly and normally (historically) had no issue finding a few people to pal around with. I just feel locked out - certainly don’t feel welcome - in this social scene, and it feels difficult even to form 1:1 friendships.

I work full-time and have three kids, so I understand the reality of having limited time to socialize. I just wish it didn’t feel so difficult. I wish you could just chat with people and easily transition to grabbing a coffee or going for a walk. Covid must have had something to do with this. I don’t know.

I held a Christmas party a few weeks ago and had a great turnout: everyone seemed to have a good time. However, no one has reached out since to get together otherwise.

Oh well.

That's just Appalachia. I grew up 15 minutes outside of a very small town in rural Appalachia and the "townies" thought I was an alien from another planet.

[Anonymous]

I left DC 4 years ago. I basically had an instant community when I moved into my new neighborhood. I'm still kind of bitter I spent so long in DC thinking that I was the problem or that adult life was just like that. Now I have a very full social life.