What is wrong with me that I cant shake this feeling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To shake that feeling, realize that your potential 3rd kid could have had significant SN which would have made life for your whole family (especially the older 2) much harder and caused you tremendous financial strain.

Perhaps you mean well, but what an offensive sentiment. SN children are loved just as much and just as much worth it.

DP here. I've definitely had parents tell me they sometimes think they should have stopped sooner, for various reasons, SN among them, mental health challenges, etc. It's an honest and normal feeling.

NP who has a child with special needs (first kid). I too had heard parents express regret, especially when the type of special needs is metal health related or their kid had drug or legal problems or for some reason never really fit into their family. I think the point that you don’t know the dynamic another kid will bring to your family. So the grieving is for something in your dreams, which could be far different than what your reality could turn out to be.

Anyway, I think you make peace by realizing that you made some of the choices that got you here (how much to spend on your house, the career you chose, the spouse you chose, the location where you live . . ). and some of the reasons it didn’t work out are because you weren’t born wealthy or with certain abilities that might have given you a better financial picture. Presumably you made the choices that made the most sense at the time. And that’s all you Could control. Makes no sense to grieve over not being born to different parents.

Op - yes - but honestly I could have afforded it. It didn’t feel like it at the time. And the irony being that if I had had a third I wouldn’t probably have had the bandwidth to work as hard as I did

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are a little older than yours. I feel like I grieved that already because I didn’t want a big age gap with kids and just decided to move forward. I will say now my kids are teens, I’m glad I stopped at 2. Things are much busier these days and I don’t think I could have given as much quality time to 3 kids. I can put a lot of focus on my 2. I also have a friend who has a really hard time with her third - to the point it makes her life so much more difficult. So sometimes if you get 2 great kids, just try to be happy with that.

This is what helps me. Just think of what it could have been like if the third was very difficult. Could change your relationships with everyone.

[Anonymous]

OP I totally get it. I am having a very hard time with the passage of time and changing kid phase. I also have 2. Kind of thought "maybe we will" while it was still something potentially for the future. It no longer is.

Rationally I try to focus on the positives. I have more time for my 2 and they are great. They both want and need attention and we can provide it. We can travel more and they love it too. We have had some job loss and uncertainty and I'm happy we are not more over leveraged financially.

But emotionally it's still there and hard.

There was an Atlantic piece a few yrs ago on "ambiguous grief" or loss (basically, about what you don't have) that you might like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I totally get it. I am having a very hard time with the passage of time and changing kid phase. I also have 2. Kind of thought "maybe we will" while it was still something potentially for the future. It no longer is.

Rationally I try to focus on the positives. I have more time for my 2 and they are great. They both want and need attention and we can provide it. We can travel more and they love it too. We have had some job loss and uncertainty and I'm happy we are not more over leveraged financially.

But emotionally it's still there and hard.

There was an Atlantic piece a few yrs ago on "ambiguous grief" or loss (basically, about what you don't have) that you might like.

Op - thank you I will look.

The passage of time thing is no joke. I wonder does everyone struggle so much with this? Maybe more pragmatic people do not