What is wrong with me that I cant shake this feeling?

[Anonymous]

I have 2 kids, 9 and 12.
My husband has had rocky work situation and because of that, most of the burden has fallen on me. I would have liked to have had 3 kids, but i felt i couldn't add one more considering all the pressure that I'm under.
All of this makes sense EXCEPT:
1.I still have sadness and regret, despite the pragmatic reasons
2. the sadness and regret then cause resentment
3. I've actually done pretty well (although might not have with 3 kids).
4. Not dealing super well with the passage of time and wish i had one more younger one

I guess the tldr is part of my brain feels sad that I didn't just decide to have a more modest life and another kid instead of prioritizing financial security. Like a grown up.

Can anyone relate? Or no, I'm just a dummy who lives in cloud cuckoo land and need to get my sh*t together, psychologically? (or both can be true)

[Anonymous]

OH and (important) it is now too late.

[Anonymous]

You're not alone. I feel like that too! It's okay to let it go.

[Anonymous]

It’s ok to grieve the life you wanted but did not end up with, for whatever reason. You really can’t come to a point of peace until you let yourself grieve imo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s ok to grieve the life you wanted but did not end up with, for whatever reason. You really can’t come to a point of peace until you let yourself grieve imo

Op - is there a deliberate way to do that?

I’ve been doing a fair amount of crying recently so I suppose that constitutes grieving

[Anonymous]

I don't think you are cuckoo at all. I think you are processing and grieving and that takes time. I think doing things like writing about it here is a way to think about and process your feelings and that's all okay. I send you a huge hug and hope you will be kind to yourself.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly how I feel.

[Anonymous]

Therapy

[Anonymous]

My kids are a little older than yours. I feel like I grieved that already because I didn’t want a big age gap with kids and just decided to move forward. I will say now my kids are teens, I’m glad I stopped at 2. Things are much busier these days and I don’t think I could have given as much quality time to 3 kids. I can put a lot of focus on my 2. I also have a friend who has a really hard time with her third - to the point it makes her life so much more difficult. So sometimes if you get 2 great kids, just try to be happy with that.

[Anonymous]

Many “adults” would prioritize financial security. We all make choices. I recommend reminding yourself of why you made your choice and all the benefits of it every time you start to feel wistful. What ifs are not reality. You have no idea what your life would have been like. But you do know you have a wonderful life right now.

[Anonymous]

To shake that feeling, realize that your potential 3rd kid could have had significant SN which would have made life for your whole family (especially the older 2) much harder and caused you tremendous financial strain.

[Anonymous]

It’s very normal. We jointly chose not to have a third and I still felt this way for several years after my youngest went to kindergarten. It eventually passes for the most part and my teens (both girls) take a lot of time, energy and money. Both are involved heavily in their respective extra curriculars, I get to hear all about their drama, etc and while I know we would have made a third work, I feel that my plate is very full with two teens. I’m also thankful as college is looming that there are just two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy

+1

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the extent to which it's impacting your life. Regret is normal but if it's interfering with the rest of your life or impacting your relationships, that's a problem. Don't let something that doesn't exist impact the real existing kids right in front of you. If you think it is, maybe it's time to speak to someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are a little older than yours. I feel like I grieved that already because I didn’t want a big age gap with kids and just decided to move forward. I will say now my kids are teens, I’m glad I stopped at 2. Things are much busier these days and I don’t think I could have given as much quality time to 3 kids. I can put a lot of focus on my 2. I also have a friend who has a really hard time with her third - to the point it makes her life so much more difficult. So sometimes if you get 2 great kids, just try to be happy with that.

It is interesting how often it’s the last kid that requires an outsized amount of the parents time, money and energy. I don’t have stats on this but it sure feels that way. I can think of several families where they had “just one more kid” and this became true.