He wants to buy us a place for our kid free time.

[Anonymous]

He is buying a bachelor pad. Sure, why not? You get to enjoy it. It is HIS place and you will get a key.

The tween/teen years are rough with two married parents. It is going to be tough with the dad’s girlfriend and mom’s boyfriend.

It almost seems like he wants to keep you completely separate so there is no overlap. He doesn’t want your things around. He doesn’t want them to bump into you or kick you out when the kids come.

I’m not sure how much I would like that. My friend dated a divorced dad when she was single and childless. She never met his kids. He also learned a ton, millions. They would hang out at his vacation home. He rushed her out of his apt in nyc and had no contact when he had the kids. It was very clear his kids came first and she seemed like a side piece to me. This was the perspective of a fellow young childless woman.

[Anonymous]

Don’t over stay your welcome OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve been together 18+ months and haven’t even met the others children?

I’d tell him he can buy whatever he wants. Don’t mingle finances with this person.

Yep, intentionally because our kids all went through major transitions with the divorces.

DP. I'm the "compartmentalization" poster from upthread.

The issue here is that you are essentially living two separate lives. That's why this PP is shocked your kids haven't met this guy. You are serious enough about him that you are considering entering into a situation where you essentially live together when your kids are with your respective exes. Yet you have never met the most important people in one another's lives -- your kids. I get why you have avoided this, but it's insane. And at the same time, the two of you are creating a relationship with each other that seems to be of increasing importance to both of you, enough that you are semi-moving in together, and yet your children have never met him.

Do your kids know he exists? Do they know what you guys do when they aren't around? Will they know about this apartment in the city where you spend half your time? How do they feel about you having what is essentially a separate life from them where they almost don't exist?

Also, what happens if you are living your life with this man, in this apartment he's set up for you to share, and one of your children has a medical emergency while your ex has custody? You will of course rush to be near your child's side. Will your boyfriend come with you to support you, which would be normal and appropriate? Or will they stay behind to let you deal with your child's injury/illness and your ex on your own, to maintain this wall between your two lives?

Or this one: what if YOU are injured or fall ill? Will you still maintain perfect separateness between your boyfriend and your children? How?

To be perfectly honest, my recommendation in a situation like this would be for you not to date anyone seriously during this transition time for your kids, until things are settled enough with your ex that you can feel secure that your kids would be okay with you meeting and dating someone you might have long term potential with.

I think you are trying to have your cake and eat it, too, and it's either going to fizzle out or blow up spectacularly. Some small chance you eventually meet each others kids and blend (for better or worse). But there is absolutely no way that you basically move in with this guy, continue to keep your life with your kids 100% separate, stay together, but never blend your families at all. There is 0% likelihood of that outcome. It will not work.

Some people are so negative and only see problems wherever they look. So good at pointing out why things will never work.

OP is in a complicated situation dealing with many variables and she has been lucky to find someone who she clicks with for the moment.

If she lived her life only seeing all the reasons why this would not work ("what if someone gets injured and she has to rush home!?!" Um, then she'll go home), then she has no chance of finding happiness in life.

Sometimes you have to take risks and find ways to make things work, instead of only thinking about all the reasons why they won't work. That is what successful people do in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he’s buying a place in the city that you can share when you don’t have your kids, what is there to think about? What is the question?

This.

+2

But I have to ask. If neither of you have met any of each others children and it's been 18 months, when will you meet?

I know from personal experience. You get into a pattern and it becomes really hard to get out of it.

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound like a bit of a moocher

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

This is a great idea if he's buying it and you don't have any obligation and keep your old place. My BF is considering buying a place midway between our houses- condos are pretty cheap in Baltimore and we both enjoy the city. It would be just his.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a cozy sex-dungeon.

[Anonymous]

Two main thoughts:
Definitely do not pay any money for this, sounds like he's got plenty and it's what he wants. Yes, bear in mind that you might not be forever with this guy. (Also, trust the situation but keep an eye out for red flags in this bachelor pad.)
But also, damn, girl, you deserve a glamorous pied a terre to gallivant in on your childfree days after what you husband did to you. Enjoy it! You deserve it. I think the compartmentalization can work for you and if this does turn out to be long-term there will be plenty of time to meet each other's kids. Take it slow, enjoy the city advantages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s buying the place not you. No we there ma’am .. Plus you two aren’t married nor engaged.
He can do what he wants w his money.

Enjoy those visits at his place.

This. What is the issue? Your boyfriend is buying an apartment that you will sleep at sometimes. It's not your place and you don't need to worry about long term implications. If it doesn't work out, you won't have invested anything.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a sex pad where he doesn’t have to take you out anymore and you’ll start giving him the comfort of home. Will you be on the title?

[Anonymous]

Wow SO MANY bitter people.

Op, what are you actually concerned about?

-NP

[Anonymous]

The new apartment will serve the BF so he can bang GF without any risk or fear of any kids showing up and spoiling the fun.

[Anonymous]

Also possible that the BF will be able to bang GF at the new sex pad while also bang other GFs at his old house. Kind of like a harem with multiple rooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't buy property with someone you're not married or engaged to. If he wants to buy an apartment that you also spend time at, he can do that. But you shouldn't really be involved in the decision making or the paperwork.

I realize OP isn’t buying with him, but I disagree here. You can do it with the right paperwork.

I remember my sister pointing out a house she loved that had come on the market a year earlier. It was shortly after her wedding. My dad - a real estate attorney - asked if it was out of their price range. She said she hadn’t looked into it since they weren’t engaged at the time. He said that people draw up agreements for that kind of scenario all the time and it shouldn’t prevent people from buying.


In terms of the OP’s question, I think a second home in the city that they can use sounds great unless she doesn’t see herself wanting to be there. Would it make you sad, op, not to be in your home? Is that the concern?