New holiday gift giving traditions - kids over 18

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[b]

Anonymous wrote:You are carrying the whole load here. My guess is that to whatever extent you try to begin some "new holiday gift giving traditions' ... which ... let's face it, just means "these selfish men need to get me something," it'll flop.

Change nothing, except for your DH getting you nothing. That's not acceptable. If you can't change it, then yeah, move on to no more gift giving.

OP here - you’re probably right that the time when the boys would have gotten me something has gone and went. Too late to do new things.

Rethinking a lot of things right now

A smoother tradition to start might be doing something together around Christmas if they live close by. Everyone gets together and goes to a caps game together (gift to everyone!) Or everyone has one on one time with mom and dad for a lunch during the week between christmas and new years. Because isn't what you really want time with each other? Not a $15 bottle of lotion from B&BW, which is all a young adult male will come up with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[b]

Anonymous wrote:You are carrying the whole load here. My guess is that to whatever extent you try to begin some "new holiday gift giving traditions' ... which ... let's face it, just means "these selfish men need to get me something," it'll flop.

Change nothing, except for your DH getting you nothing. That's not acceptable. If you can't change it, then yeah, move on to no more gift giving.

OP here - you’re probably right that the time when the boys would have gotten me something has gone and went. Too late to do new things.

Rethinking a lot of things right now

A smoother tradition to start might be doing something together around Christmas if they live close by. Everyone gets together and goes to a caps game together (gift to everyone!) Or everyone has one on one time with mom and dad for a lunch during the week between christmas and new years. Because isn't what you really want time with each other? Not a $15 bottle of lotion from B&BW, which is all a young adult male will come up with.

I like this idea. OP should suggest it. I love experiences, that everyone enjoys, as opposed to gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Thoughtless husband and sons. Ick!
I wouldn’t give any of those adult men anything

I’m considering that. Gift giving not their love language. I exchange gifts with friends - we get a kick out of picking the right things for each other. Gender differences I guess.

The “love language” thing is BS and has been roundly debunked in several studies (the first few hits on Google will give you some reading, if you choose). Adults who readily receive gifts from other adults for years at Christmas and don’t reciprocate don’t “have other love languages.” It’s just excuse making for laziness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ohhhh no. If my mother or MIL said that she expected us to buy her a gift for christmas, I'd roll my eyes. Gifts are for children.

Nope.

[Anonymous]

we do our family exchange with drawnames.com.

you choose your preferred gift spend. you can also enter your wish list there.

each person is responsible for taking care of gift(s) for one person. everyone usually gets something that they will enjoy.

made my christmas shopping a million times easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Thoughtless husband and sons. Ick!
I wouldn’t give any of those adult men anything

I’m considering that. Gift giving not their love language. I exchange gifts with friends - we get a kick out of picking the right things for each other. Gender differences I guess.

The “love language” thing is BS and has been roundly debunked in several studies (the first few hits on Google will give you some reading, if you choose). Adults who readily receive gifts from other adults for years at Christmas and don’t reciprocate don’t “have other love languages.” It’s just excuse making for laziness.

The problem is the expectation of participation in the exchange for everyone within a particular family or friend group. That usually falls on the adult women.

[Anonymous]

We got rid of gift giving.

Only 1 secret santa for the whole family relatives.

We have a price limit and we have to give gift suggestions for ourselves.

Also, if there are babies or young children in the family - I now give them money, because the parents claim that their homes are overflowing with stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Thoughtless husband and sons. Ick!
I wouldn’t give any of those adult men anything

I’m considering that. Gift giving not their love language. I exchange gifts with friends - we get a kick out of picking the right things for each other. Gender differences I guess.

The “love language” thing is BS and has been roundly debunked in several studies (the first few hits on Google will give you some reading, if you choose). Adults who readily receive gifts from other adults for years at Christmas and don’t reciprocate don’t “have other love languages.” It’s just excuse making for laziness.

The problem is the expectation of participation in the exchange for everyone within a particular family or friend group. That usually falls on the adult women.

+ 1

Adult women do everything in my extended family - cooking etc. even with draw names the women shop for their husbands names

[Anonymous]

Some men just are selfish, my husband came up with years ago that "he buys his gifts for me to wrap". I buy myself a few things so that it doesn't look weird that I have no gifts. When the kids leave I will probably get zero presents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy the boys gifts. Send your husband a list with links.

This. I always give my DH a list. As for the sons, I would continue to give gifts. They’re probably young, broke and in need of things.

[Anonymous]

At 18 it feels really premature to stop giving gifts imo. Do your 18yo kids have a lot of money? My kids have a list and I pick from it and so do grandparents. I usually get a pair of shoes, a want that's out of their regular budget...My kids do usually give me a gift for my birthday and mother's day but not a holiday gift. Dh and I don't get each other gifts either.

[Anonymous]

Update: OP here:

I appreciate everyone’s input. Lots of good suggestions. I asked the boys what they wanted. One said he prioritized cash, but I know he’s enjoyed gifts I’ve given him. The other said that he’d do whatever, but I know he’s a sentimental person who likes gifts and traditions.

I do enjoy giving - I’ve noticed some things that I think they’d like and I want to buy/give to them. I’m going to buy them.

My husband and I are working on several issues right now. I’m going to speak up.

My son is buying a gift for his girlfriend, so he hasn’t turned out that bad…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd give your sons a little more time, a few more year before you cut them off. They may come around

They haven’t come around for other holidays either - husband does not set a good example.

WTH is wrong with you OP?

They get nothing this year exactly what they give you.

No money no gifts no nothing

As for your DH you tell him today this is what you are doing you are going on vacation by yourself he can do christmas himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd give your sons a little more time, a few more year before you cut them off. They may come around

They haven’t come around for other holidays either - husband does not set a good example.

WTH is wrong with you OP?

They get nothing this year exactly what they give you.

No money no gifts no nothing

As for your DH you tell him today this is what you are doing you are going on vacation by yourself he can do christmas himself.

He comes from a family with few traditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update: OP here:

I appreciate everyone’s input. Lots of good suggestions. I asked the boys what they wanted. One said he prioritized cash, but I know he’s enjoyed gifts I’ve given him. The other said that he’d do whatever, but I know he’s a sentimental person who likes gifts and traditions.

I do enjoy giving - I’ve noticed some things that I think they’d like and I want to buy/give to them. I’m going to buy them.

My husband and I are working on several issues right now. I’m going to speak up.

My son is buying a gift for his girlfriend, so he hasn’t turned out that bad…

i

Yikes!