Managing kid's hopes re: private school and financial aid?

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes last year. My dd wanted a specific all girls and after the tours and open houses and shadow days she was even more convinced it was the only option for her. Other all girl options would’ve been manageable for us. We sat her down and showed her the math on what we were able to budget and exactly how much we’d need the school to offer for her to attend. At 13 they are old enough to understand a family budget and that money is a deciding factor in a lot of things. We ended up getting the exact dollar amount we needed and I would consider it significant. I think it prepped her for college budget conversations. But

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, none of you can advise OP whether the kid will get enough aid so stop trying.

The question here is more general: should OP let the kid apply to a school that she really wants to go to when even if she gets in there's a good chance they can't afford it?

The answer is clearly yes. Lay all the cards out for her -- the cost, what OP thinks she can pay, and how much financial aid they therefore will need. Tell her that if she wants to apply knowing that they might not get enough aid, great -- if it doesn't work out then the public school is also a great option.

Be transparent, be honest, and leave it up to her. If in the end she gets in and you can't afford it, she'll survive. If this is the worst thing that ever happens to her, she's in good shape.

100% this. At worst you are out a couple hundred bucks and the opportunity cost of the time spent applying.

[Anonymous]

Def tour your public options - a lot of times kids get ideas in their heads that are based on a small piece of information about one school vs no information about others. She may surprise you when she has all the facts.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't apply if you can't afford it It's not going to get easier to say no once she has an acceptance in hand. Same goes for college.

Also, no private school is worth decreasing or stopping retirement contributions unless you have a special needs child who needs a specialized setting. The bells and whistles of the mainstream privates are not worth this. They all have their major flaws and frustrations which ebb and flow over the years. I say this as a parent to two kids at Big3 schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still remember vividly applying to an all girls school for 5th grade, getting in, and then my parents telling me we couldn’t afford it. I was pretty crushed.

I was younger and so not having the same open discussions with my parents as it sounds like you’re having with DD. But if you truly cannot afford it, you need to tell her that up front so that she doesn’t get her hopes up like I did (and still remember! And now that I can afford it I send my DD to all girls private but that’s a discussion to be had in therapy I guess…)

Oh, please. You were younger as you said and obviously had shitty parents. The whole point is she doesn't know YET if she can't afford it and can't know until she's sees the financial aid. You might as well be advising any poster who can't afford private without financial aid to not even bother applying -- and that's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't apply if you can't afford it It's not going to get easier to say no once she has an acceptance in hand. Same goes for college.

Also, no private school is worth decreasing or stopping retirement contributions unless you have a special needs child who needs a specialized setting. The bells and whistles of the mainstream privates are not worth this. They all have their major flaws and frustrations which ebb and flow over the years. I say this as a parent to two kids at Big3 schools.

Oh yeah, Ms Big3? I guess there aren't any students at your school getting aid and attending? Would you have advised them not to have even applied in the first place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't apply if you can't afford it It's not going to get easier to say no once she has an acceptance in hand. Same goes for college.

Also, no private school is worth decreasing or stopping retirement contributions unless you have a special needs child who needs a specialized setting. The bells and whistles of the mainstream privates are not worth this. They all have their major flaws and frustrations which ebb and flow over the years. I say this as a parent to two kids at Big3 schools.

Oh yeah, Ms Big3? I guess there aren't any students at your school getting aid and attending? Would you have advised them not to have even applied in the first place?

Sorry. I agree that this was a pretty harsh thing to say but truly there is nothing worse than having your kid get into a school and then having to tell your kid you can't afford it (or getting into a precarious financial situation as a parent) We just went through this with college and it was the source of incredible stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't apply if you can't afford it It's not going to get easier to say no once she has an acceptance in hand. Same goes for college.

Also, no private school is worth decreasing or stopping retirement contributions unless you have a special needs child who needs a specialized setting. The bells and whistles of the mainstream privates are not worth this. They all have their major flaws and frustrations which ebb and flow over the years. I say this as a parent to two kids at Big3 schools.

Oh yeah, Ms Big3? I guess there aren't any students at your school getting aid and attending? Would you have advised them not to have even applied in the first place?

DP, but if sacrificing needed retirement savings is the price for the child attending, even with financial aid, and they knew that before applying, then, yes, that's what I would have advised them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't apply if you can't afford it It's not going to get easier to say no once she has an acceptance in hand. Same goes for college.

Also, no private school is worth decreasing or stopping retirement contributions unless you have a special needs child who needs a specialized setting. The bells and whistles of the mainstream privates are not worth this. They all have their major flaws and frustrations which ebb and flow over the years. I say this as a parent to two kids at Big3 schools.

Oh yeah, Ms Big3? I guess there aren't any students at your school getting aid and attending? Would you have advised them not to have even applied in the first place?

Sorry. I agree that this was a pretty harsh thing to say but truly there is nothing worse than having your kid get into a school and then having to tell your kid you can't afford it (or getting into a precarious financial situation as a parent) We just went through this with college and it was the source of incredible stress.

"Truly there is nothing worse?" Really?? There are plenty of worse things.

Again, the kid isn't 5. She's 13. She's old enough to be given the cold hard facts: "Look, here's what we have and here's what we need. If the school can't close the gap we can't afford it. Are you ok taking the chance?"

Any reasonable 13 year old can make this decision and survive a result that she doesn't like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't apply if you can't afford it It's not going to get easier to say no once she has an acceptance in hand. Same goes for college.

Also, no private school is worth decreasing or stopping retirement contributions unless you have a special needs child who needs a specialized setting. The bells and whistles of the mainstream privates are not worth this. They all have their major flaws and frustrations which ebb and flow over the years. I say this as a parent to two kids at Big3 schools.

Oh yeah, Ms Big3? I guess there aren't any students at your school getting aid and attending? Would you have advised them not to have even applied in the first place?

DP, but if sacrificing needed retirement savings is the price for the child attending, even with financial aid, and they knew that before applying, then, yes, that's what I would have advised them.

Who said anything about sacrificing retirement saving?

[Anonymous]

OP hasn’t provided any additional information so who knows what financial choices are at play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD13 would really like to attend a specific private all-girls HS. I'm open to it, and believe she would be admitted, but it depends on how much FA we get: we simply cannot afford full freight. Commute is also an obstacle.

Our local public HS is very good and DD has friends headed there. I don't want her to think it is a "disappointing" option. But, I can see advantages to the private school and agree it would be a more comfortable environment for her specific personality.

Should I let her apply and get her hopes up? Or decide that it just doesn't work for our family and not put her through the up and down of applying, only to get in with a FA package that is still too much for us to take on?

Actual private school FA recipient family here asking for 3 details to advise you of your likelihood of FA.
1. What is your zoned public HS?
2. What is your annual household income?
3. How many kids are in your family and do you pay any other tuitions?

[Anonymous]

Actual private school FA receipt family here also—we did not count on one specific school to meet our needs. We applied to 6 schools and 4 of them accepted plus provided aid. Only 1 of the 4 FA packages weren’t going to cut it for us. I would advise applying to multiple schools or none.

You don’t want your daughter to carry “I would have gone to XYZ but couldn’t afford it…” and feel resentful when she sees others from the school.

Ages ago, my mom wouldn’t let me apply to Madeira because she thought we couldn’t afford it (but she didn’t know about financial aid). In the end, 100% of my college was paid because I went to public 7-12.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't apply if you can't afford it It's not going to get easier to say no once she has an acceptance in hand. Same goes for college.

Also, no private school is worth decreasing or stopping retirement contributions unless you have a special needs child who needs a specialized setting. The bells and whistles of the mainstream privates are not worth this. They all have their major flaws and frustrations which ebb and flow over the years. I say this as a parent to two kids at Big3 schools.

Oh yeah, Ms Big3? I guess there aren't any students at your school getting aid and attending? Would you have advised them not to have even applied in the first place?

DP, but if sacrificing needed retirement savings is the price for the child attending, even with financial aid, and they knew that before applying, then, yes, that's what I would have advised them.

Who said anything about sacrificing retirement saving?

The person "Oh yeah, Ms. Big3" was responding to. Read better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn’t provided any additional information so who knows what financial choices are at play.

This is OP, thanks for all the responses. We are a two-income family, on track with our retirement accounts and savings adequate for in-state college. But, we have already put off home repairs etc. because we moved DD to a private K-8 during covid and stayed. We receive FA at the K-8. So as I try to figure out what we can afford, it's not a choice between tuition and retirement savings, it's a choice between tuition and other flexible but important things like repairs and having a big cushion against unemployment in the current environment.

Between DD's K-8 classmates and her neighborhood friends we already deal with the concept of having more than some and less than others, and the public HS has its share of affluent kids. The other dynamic is that DH attended a very good public HS here 30 years ago and has views based on that experience, while I attended a private all-girls HS and am more easily swayed toward that. Neither of us knows what our zoned public is actually like today - the parents I talk to have a lot of complaints, but sometimes people complain in order to have something to discuss.

It's good advice to sit down and decide on a number and a transportation plan, and then ask DD if she still wants to try. I am not sure how to get her a tour at the public HS but will look into that.