Managing kid's hopes re: private school and financial aid?

[Anonymous]

It isn’t just income. I know a family with one child that had a total income of 190,000. Owned a home in a nicer suburb. One child. One parent did part time jobs here and there. In other words one spouse was underemployed. They got into several schools and were offered ZERO aid. The message sent was you earn enough and/or both of you need to have a job. Now 55k is a big tuition bill for an income of 190k. But it is probably doable. To me the shocker was no aid at all and I think that had to do with one parent was mostly a stay home. Not ok for high school age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It isn’t just income. I know a family with one child that had a total income of 190,000. Owned a home in a nicer suburb. One child. One parent did part time jobs here and there. In other words one spouse was underemployed. They got into several schools and were offered ZERO aid. The message sent was you earn enough and/or both of you need to have a job. Now 55k is a big tuition bill for an income of 190k. But it is probably doable. To me the shocker was no aid at all and I think that had to do with one parent was mostly a stay home. Not ok for high school age.

The schools were absolutely right here. If the parents don't want to work, you cannot expect the school to subsidize the parents. Donations are used to fund financial aid and this would just be wrong. The parents need to be full pay if they are not working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's a big girl.

When our fifth grader wanted to go to private school we told her what the cost would be and made clear that if she applied and got in it would all come down to financial aid. When she got in and the aid wasn't enough, she understood. And off she went to public school.

Your eighth grader can handle it.

I agree with this. Be upfront with her about how much it costs, how much aid you need, and that you might not receive enough for her to attend. If she still wants to apply, let her. Be positive about the public school, too, so that she sees that as a viable option. Don’t teach her to not try for something she wants because she might not achieve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Temporarily stop funding your retirement if she gets in, so you can pay for it.

Terrible advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It isn’t just income. I know a family with one child that had a total income of 190,000. Owned a home in a nicer suburb. One child. One parent did part time jobs here and there. In other words one spouse was underemployed. They got into several schools and were offered ZERO aid. The message sent was you earn enough and/or both of you need to have a job. Now 55k is a big tuition bill for an income of 190k. But it is probably doable. To me the shocker was no aid at all and I think that had to do with one parent was mostly a stay home. Not ok for high school age.

This was our situation, because I’m part time. We were hopeful that we might get a little aid (even 10% would ease the load) because we laid out why I’m part time — I spend hours a week supporting the care of three of our aging (and at the time, one dying in hospice) parents with medical appointments, home maintenance, grocery shopping, etc. That wasn’t good enough. And fine, we scrape by, and it’s worth it for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isn’t just income. I know a family with one child that had a total income of 190,000. Owned a home in a nicer suburb. One child. One parent did part time jobs here and there. In other words one spouse was underemployed. They got into several schools and were offered ZERO aid. The message sent was you earn enough and/or both of you need to have a job. Now 55k is a big tuition bill for an income of 190k. But it is probably doable. To me the shocker was no aid at all and I think that had to do with one parent was mostly a stay home. Not ok for high school age.

This was our situation, because I’m part time. We were hopeful that we might get a little aid (even 10% would ease the load) because we laid out why I’m part time — I spend hours a week supporting the care of three of our aging (and at the time, one dying in hospice) parents with medical appointments, home maintenance, grocery shopping, etc. That wasn’t good enough. And fine, we scrape by, and it’s worth it for us.

you cannot expect the school to subsidize the parents if they are not working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isn’t just income. I know a family with one child that had a total income of 190,000. Owned a home in a nicer suburb. One child. One parent did part time jobs here and there. In other words one spouse was underemployed. They got into several schools and were offered ZERO aid. The message sent was you earn enough and/or both of you need to have a job. Now 55k is a big tuition bill for an income of 190k. But it is probably doable. To me the shocker was no aid at all and I think that had to do with one parent was mostly a stay home. Not ok for high school age.

This was our situation, because I’m part time. We were hopeful that we might get a little aid (even 10% would ease the load) because we laid out why I’m part time — I spend hours a week supporting the care of three of our aging (and at the time, one dying in hospice) parents with medical appointments, home maintenance, grocery shopping, etc. That wasn’t good enough. And fine, we scrape by, and it’s worth it for us.

you cannot expect the school to subsidize the parents if they are not working

We did not expect them to. We hoped they might when circumstances changed. They didn’t. As I said, we manage.

[Anonymous]

Where did she get the idea that you can afford private?
If she is so great, why can't she teach herself all she wants to learn in that private and invest the money you all are going to save.

[Anonymous]

Figure out whether or not you can make the commute work. If no, then don't apply at all. If yes, tell her to think through how she'll feel if she applies and doesn't get in whether because of not getting enough aid or they just don't pick her.

[Anonymous]

Look, none of you can advise OP whether the kid will get enough aid so stop trying.

The question here is more general: should OP let the kid apply to a school that she really wants to go to when even if she gets in there's a good chance they can't afford it?

The answer is clearly yes. Lay all the cards out for her -- the cost, what OP thinks she can pay, and how much financial aid they therefore will need. Tell her that if she wants to apply knowing that they might not get enough aid, great -- if it doesn't work out then the public school is also a great option.

Be transparent, be honest, and leave it up to her. If in the end she gets in and you can't afford it, she'll survive. If this is the worst thing that ever happens to her, she's in good shape.

[Anonymous]

Lots of good advice here. Be honest, lay it out for her, and I think apply and see how the cookie crumbles. It may work out, if not, you move on and she can feel good about giving it a shot.

[Anonymous]

It would suck to be the poor kid having to put up with rich douchebags all day

[Anonymous]

I still remember vividly applying to an all girls school for 5th grade, getting in, and then my parents telling me we couldn’t afford it. I was pretty crushed.

I was younger and so not having the same open discussions with my parents as it sounds like you’re having with DD. But if you truly cannot afford it, you need to tell her that up front so that she doesn’t get her hopes up like I did (and still remember! And now that I can afford it I send my DD to all girls private but that’s a discussion to be had in therapy I guess…)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD13 would really like to attend a specific private all-girls HS. I'm open to it, and believe she would be admitted, but it depends on how much FA we get: we simply cannot afford full freight. Commute is also an obstacle.

Our local public HS is very good and DD has friends headed there. I don't want her to think it is a "disappointing" option. But, I can see advantages to the private school and agree it would be a more comfortable environment for her specific personality.

Should I let her apply and get her hopes up? Or decide that it just doesn't work for our family and not put her through the up and down of applying, only to get in with a FA package that is still too much for us to take on?

This was us. Let your DD apply especially if she's a good student. We didn't qualify for FA but DD got a merit scholarship that made it affordable.

[Anonymous]

Apply. You may get enough aid to allow to you to do it. But also visit the public. Show your kid the value in the other option.

Good luck!