Questions for any Adult adoptees on here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three adopted kids, different race so yes they knew from day one they were adopted.
We did “family day” to celebrate the day they joined the family. Every year they choose a day trip or activity and a meal and whole family takes day off and joins. They like it, it makes them feel special and they get to enjoy experiences together.
Their given birth names are their middle names.
They are from a different country, so we have learned cuisine, culture, some language, and joined friends and groups with others from that country.
We found it really helpful to have post adoption counselors and support groups throughout entire childhood.

I find it very interesting that you are NOT an adoptee but you felt it was your place to respond to a post asking adoptees their opinions about these things.

Why do you think it was okay to change your children's names? That's all they were able to carry with them from their original families and you thought it was okay to push that aside and make them middle names!?

They are the parents, they have those rights.

Parents have legal right to mistreat their children, to a large extent.

[Anonymous]

My sibling was adopted and while I thought we had an idyllic childhood, she did not. She apparently felt like she didn't fit in (she's the same race, looks similarly, and my parents showed interest in anything she did). She is very vocal about how adoption should be illegal and how wrong it is. It was a closed adoption (birth mom's choice) and she was always told she was adopted. Her gotcha day was the day she was born.

Anyways, she says she has a lot of hurt over it all and says a piece of her will forever feel "unwanted". My mom was adopted by her stepdad (who married her mom) and understands where she's coming from. The way my sister feels isn't uncommon and there's a whole anti-adoption movement now.

[Anonymous]

I'm both an adult adoptee and an adoptive parent.

I've always known I was adopted and my mom loved to tell the story of how she first heard they had received an a referral and also the night I arrived. I'm a transracial adoptee so there's no hiding that I'm not my parents' biological child. My adopted child is the same race as I am so their adoption is not conspicuous like mine was, however, they've always known they were adopted as well. Now, I carefully narrated the reason they were placed for adoption and adapted as age-appropriate because it's a difficult story and no young child needs the burden of the full truth until they can carry that mental load.

Neither my parents nor I celebrate a Gotcha Day. I don't really like the term but semantics aside, I think a lot of this is dependent on how the adoptee might receive such a celebration. I'm not going to judge those who do it though- I assume they've figured out what works best for their family.

I did adopt (no pun intended) some of the culture I was adopted into but I know that others will never see me as X when I look Y. It's important to welcome an adoptee in the parents' culture but also for the adoptive family to welcome the adoptee's culture into their lives.

My parents changed my name. There was no indication that my birth family had named me and when I later reunited with them, it was confirmed that the adoption agency had named me. In turn, I made my child's last name into their middle name, as their birth mother and I share the same last name so I wanted my child to have the same name as their mothers. The adoption agency also gave them their first name so I didn't feel like it was necessary to keep that name.

I'd say the #1 for adoptive parents to know is that their child's story is for the child to tell, not the parents. People will be very curious to know why they were placed for adoption but it's not your right to share that ever, unless there is a specific reason like a trauma requiring therapy and then only to that therapist.

Also, there will be as many opinions re: adoption as there are adoptees. Listen to the prevailing research but in the end, each child and situation are different and you make your own decisions as you see best for your child/family.

[Anonymous]

I am adult adoptee in my late 50s(so adoption was rare back in the 70's when I was elem school-I felt special that I was chosen). I am grateful to both my adoptive parents and birth parents. I have always known-and no you would not have known I was adopted unless someone told you. I have an older brother their biological child we have a great relationship. I would not have wanted a gotcha day I have my birthday. I was a closed adoption, so I have no information on my birth parents and I have not looked. I am used to answering adopted when asked about medical history and to me it is no big deal.

[Anonymous]

If you work with an agency, they will have social workers who are specialists in this area who will teach you current thinking . For example, in modern America you tell a child they are adopted from the start. They must be able to trust you—their parent . Also, why would you hide the way your family was formed? It is not shameful or inferior to becoming a parent by giving birth.

Catholic charities required us to undergo excellent, extensive training.

My point is you should not wing parenting in this situation. Work with adoption professionals who can advise you how best to support your child.

Here is a good resource:

https://adoptionsupport.org/

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sibling was adopted and while I thought we had an idyllic childhood, she did not. She apparently felt like she didn't fit in (she's the same race, looks similarly, and my parents showed interest in anything she did). She is very vocal about how adoption should be illegal and how wrong it is. It was a closed adoption (birth mom's choice) and she was always told she was adopted. Her gotcha day was the day she was born.

Anyways, she says she has a lot of hurt over it all and says a piece of her will forever feel "unwanted". My mom was adopted by her stepdad (who married her mom) and understands where she's coming from. The way my sister feels isn't uncommon and there's a whole anti-adoption movement now.

There will always be children whose parents cannot care for them.

Identifying loving, responsible adults to fill that need is a win win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like OP asked for opinions from adoptees, and a bunch of non-adoptee adoptive parents chimed in instead.

Who do you think reads this website? People are trying to be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was adopted at 3 weeks old and have known as long as I can remember. I absolutely loved hearing stories about how it all came to be. I think it's important that it's never a "thing" that's hidden. I can't imagine what it would have been like to be older and all of a sudden find out my parents weren't my biological parents.

My dad gave me a rose every year on the day my adoption went through. It's a lovely memory. He would send it to me in college. One year he couldn't get it to me because there was an unexpected snowstorm so DH went out and got one.

I am mostly Italian. My parents are mainly English/Irish/French Canadian. And they cook very very New England WASPy. I was kind of disappointed growing up that I didn't get that Italian side of things with learning cooking. When I was in high school, my dad's best friend's wife (who was nearly another mom) offered to teach me her family's Italian recipes. Which meant a lot to me. I married into a mostly Italian family and I won't lie, part of me was a little sad when DH, DS, and I went on a big Italian trip and DH got to show DS all the areas his family was from.

The hardest thing for me was always a family tree or anything to do with heritage. I absolutely love my adoptive family. I consider myself insanely lucky and I hit the jackpot. But it can be hard sometimes when you feel no ties to your family identity. I almost felt ... disingenuous making a family tree in elementary school because they didn't feel like my ancestors. It's hard to explain. It's not something that impacts me too much, but every now and then I get hit with a little bit of jealousy over people who can look into their ancestry. I just don't have any connection to my ancestors

Some other things....don't push your kids to reach out when they are 18. My mom felt like I was lying when I said I had no interest in trying to find my birth parents and she kind of hounded me a bit. I truly had no interest. I feel no connection to them. I'm thankful for their decision but they are strangers. I know their background and the circumstances of why I was given up for adoption and I'm good with that. I hope they've led happy lives and have never regretted their decision.

There may be times when your kid is a pre teen/teen is a jerk and says something along the lines of "you're not my real mom" "I wish I was in another family" or some variation of it. They don't mean it. They just know it hurts and I teens can be aholes. Try not to let it tear you up.

Adoptive parent here of a 13yo we adopted at 4 weeks.
Thank you for sharing that with us.
I’m so glad my DD has never had to do a family tree. Ever.

There are a lot of resources available (see adoption and the schools) for modifying such assignments for kids who are adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like OP asked for opinions from adoptees, and a bunch of non-adoptee adoptive parents chimed in instead.

Who do you think reads this website? People are trying to be helpful.

You know adoptees are also parents, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent of a 13yo here. We had a lot of sessions with Tony Hynes. You can Google him. He’s an adult black man adopted by 2 white women.
He advised our group if they had bio siblings or if we had any other bio info to tell the child as soon as possible.
If it’s part of the conversation from toddlerhood it’s not a huge shock. We told DD when she was 6 about bio siblings because that’s when we had the discussion with Tony.
She knew she grew in someone else’s tummy from when she was about 2. There are so many books out there to help you.

She developed in another woman's womb not her stomach! There is a huge difference as well as being impossible for a fetus to develop in a stomach.

Thanks for the anatomy lesson, but fir toddlers in preschool (which is when this question is usually raised), stomach is absolutely fine.

[Anonymous]

I should not be that surprised, but people who idolize adoption are rarely birth parents.
It is not uncommon to hear stories about adoptees becoming adoptive parents. I would be very interested in someone in the triad choosing to become a birth parent

[Anonymous]

I should not be that surprised, but people who idolize adoption are rarely birth parents.
It is not uncommon to hear stories about adoptees becoming adoptive parents. I would be very interested in someone in the triad choosing to become a birth parent

I don't know about "choosing" but it is not uncommon in some of the Raising Kids with FASD ("Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder") social media groups to see instances where adoptive parents of kids impacted by FASD winding up having to raise their grandchildren due to the judgment and impulsivity issues that FASD impacted individuals often exhibit where they have children but are as incapable of raising them as their own birth parents were. My speculation is that neurotypical adult adoptees are probably, on average, more vigilant about birth control and planning pregnancies because they want to avoid being in the situation of their birth parents.

[Anonymous]

Please read RELINQUISHED by Gretchen Sisson.

[Anonymous]

Adoption is whole different narrative today than from years ago. There is no such thing as a closed adoption. All parties will be known, including bio parents, grandparents, siblings, etc. Adoption was always adoptive parent centered ( saviors, rescuers) and never child centered (each child comes with their own identity, no one is being "saved"- women make adoption choices for various reasons, not because of shame or morals), but now it's child centered.

Yes, they need to be told. No, they do become the adoptive family's culture and ethnicity because they look like it or pass, yes they should know everything when age appropriate, and adoptive parents should encourage ancestry and bio family connection if child wants to. The child's identity, birthdate, everything is their own.

DNA has replaced all the cloaked secrets. There's no wondering or guessing anymore. No secrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adoption is whole different narrative today than from years ago. There is no such thing as a closed adoption. All parties will be known, including bio parents, grandparents, siblings, etc. Adoption was always adoptive parent centered ( saviors, rescuers) and never child centered (each child comes with their own identity, no one is being "saved"- women make adoption choices for various reasons, not because of shame or morals), but now it's child centered.

Yes, they need to be told. No, they do become the adoptive family's culture and ethnicity because they look like it or pass, yes they should know everything when age appropriate, and adoptive parents should encourage ancestry and bio family connection if child wants to. The child's identity, birthdate, everything is their own.

DNA has replaced all the cloaked secrets. There's no wondering or guessing anymore. No secrets.

I don’t know where you get any of this information from. Yes, there are still MANY closed domestic infant adoptions. And even when an open adoption is promised to a mother considering relinquishment, there is literally NO legal recourse to that mother if the adopters take her child and then immediately cut off contact, or cut off contact at a later date for whatever reason they want. And some studies show more than half of options that were promised to be open are actually closed by the adopters.

Yes, it is true that commercial DNA can reveal secrets and rcinnvtvfikyes separated by adoption loss, but that doesn’t in any way ameliorate the loss or the betrayal to both parent and child if an open adoption is later closed by the adopters.

You are also VERY wrong that relinquishing mothers no longer make these choices out of shame. Christian maternity homes are more popular than ever in the U.S. and they are almost entirely run by evangelical sects that do indeed very purposefully inflict great shame upon the pregnant girl or woman, with the entire premise of adoption being that the act of such “selfless” love is redeeming, and that by giving away their baby to more worthy parents, they are redeeming their their terrible sins of sex outside of marriage.

The podcast Liberty Lost goes into this kind of pervasive shame based messaging in great detail. The first episode opens with a scene where a relinquishing teen mom is forced into participating in this creepy ceremony where she and the father of the baby have to walk him down the aisle in a public ceremony and place him in the adopters’ arms up at the altar, to great praise from the gathering of their families and others. The entire ritual is framed as redemptive and cleansing. But everything about it is shame based