Son, failing out of college

[Anonymous]

Gambling addiction is insidious. If he will steal from you, he will steal from an employer. GA will be eye-opening and make you feel less alone.

[Anonymous]

Is he addicted to sports betting? It's become a huge problem among college students.

https://time.com/6342504/gambling-addiction-sports-betting-college-students/

[Anonymous]

If he is in the house he will steal. Get credit card info. Open new accounts in your name (put a credit freeze on your credit bureau accounts). Steal stuff to pawn or sell. Try to sell your car. Advertise your house as vrbo and steal deposits.

[Anonymous]

I know you think it’s gambling addiction OP but from some of your descriptions it sounds like there may be additional issues with drugs and/or alcohol. You can offer home and help on condition that he’s ready to surrender to recovery. I agree with doing an intervention.

[Anonymous]

That Time article should be required reading for all college parents.

[Anonymous]

No contact no support until he agrees to the treatment of your choice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hate to say this but protect yourself financially - make sure he doesn’t have access to your CC, bank accounts, or any other source of funds. Pull him out of college. He has a bigger issue to address.

All of this, OP. I hate that he has stolen from you.

[Anonymous]

I do not know what you have already tried. My advice is to make moving back home and having you pay for things like groceries phone etc conditional on his seeking treatment. (And of course give him zero money directly.) If you have never done a psychological work up, try for a psychologist to get a diagnosis to see if there are underlying conditions. If he does have something like ADHD or depression, get him a psychiatrist appointment to go on meds. Look also at things like intensive out patient mental health programs and GA. He might even need inpatient/rehab. If he does not agree to and then actually follow through on sorting out his mental health issues that likely are helping fuel his gambling addiction, than you likely cannot have him in the home since he will steal again. Also, do let him know that you will be there to support him getting on the right path again but that you can only do this is he is transparent and proves he is doing all the mental heath work you are requiring.

[Anonymous]

OP is your cash locked up in a safe? Are your credit and debit cards locked up? Checkbooks? Car keys? Do you have access to his phone to see if he has funding sources connected to Uber, food Apps, etc?

Whether you kick him out now, later or never, you need a plan. What if he breaks into your house? What if he steals from a sibling? Before/until you kick him out, do you have a plan for what you're willing to spend on him (job interview clothes? medical care? transportation? nothing?) and for any money you spend, do you have a plan to account for it (receipts, bank account oversight, etc)?

Have you joined Gam-Anon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes my husband has locked him out of everything. But my husband asked him to leave home and says we shouldn't enable him as he is an adult now. I am not sure how to navigate this.

Your husband has handled it. There is nothing else for you to do until your son shows a desire for treatment.

Don’t undo the good work here by allowing light to be seen between you and your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Heather Hayes and associates can help stage an intervention for you. Google them. They are good. Won’t be inexpensive. But they may be able to help you get him into a treatment program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not know what you have already tried. My advice is to make moving back home and having you pay for things like groceries phone etc conditional on his seeking treatment. (And of course give him zero money directly.) If you have never done a psychological work up, try for a psychologist to get a diagnosis to see if there are underlying conditions. If he does have something like ADHD or depression, get him a psychiatrist appointment to go on meds. Look also at things like intensive out patient mental health programs and GA. He might even need inpatient/rehab. If he does not agree to and then actually follow through on sorting out his mental health issues that likely are helping fuel his gambling addiction, than you likely cannot have him in the home since he will steal again. Also, do let him know that you will be there to support him getting on the right path again but that you can only do this is he is transparent and proves he is doing all the mental heath work you are requiring.

This is good advice. Kicking him out with no support net will worsen the issue. Gambling, excessive spending, and reckless behavior can also be signs of bipolar disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes my husband has locked him out of everything. But my husband asked him to leave home and says we shouldn't enable him as he is an adult now. I am not sure how to navigate this.

Did he leave? When we were going through crisis with our child, our agreement was that unless we both agreed our child could live with us, our child had to go. We did, however, discuss it and decide on our line in the sand. It’s extreme to have to remove your child so it’s good to have definition to what you can accept.

Problem now for you is that it’s done. Next step is to define what it will take for him to return and what will be the conditions for him to stay. That’s what you need to navigate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop supporting him. Change your locks. Don’t give him the opportunity to steal from you.

Sometimes cutting the cord and letting them truly fail will make a difference. And if not, you’ve
Protected your family.

This is what my husband did. But clearly he needs therapy - should I be waiting for him to get help or should I be finding a therapist for him and bringing him back home..

As a mom who had to put my child out (different reasons) here’s my thoughts. If you’ve done everything you can do it’s time to stop. And if your child is a danger to others living in your house, it’s time. I would consider stealing a danger if you can’t prevent it by locking things up. Only you can answer whether you’re there.

In the meantime now is the time to cut off all supports. No money. No car. Only food and shelter. Phone maybe - mine was a danger to himself so that was the last thing I took and not until it didn’t matter. But if he’s using it to gamble, then it shouldn’t be on your dime.

If you remove him, I’d be very clear as to what it will take for him to return. And never waiver. It will be the hardest thing you ever do.

Just a comment to say how impressed for any parent that goes through this and holds to doing what’s right bc not easy and people judge what they don’t understand IS the right thing.