Can I tell my mom to knock it off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one gets to be emotionally manipulating ~ meaning, The Guilt Trip. OP, your Mom is being rude. She is likely to hurt her relationship with her Granddaughter, if not a lot, at least a little. You should continue to give her firm answers, which you have done. End phone conversations that wander into Guilt Trip territory. And let your DD know she does not need to respond to every one of Grandma's calls/messages.

Having said all that, are there any of your DD's activities where it's ok to watch? Invite your Mom. And encourage your DD to keep Grandma in-the-loop on her life, on her aspirations. IF Grandma can manage that. Without expressing too many opinions.

OP again. I think I mentioned it upthread, but my mom is absolutely delightful about attending my daughter's concerts. In fact, my daughter went to a music camp this past summer with three concert cycles. My husband and I could only get there for the last one, so my mom travelled to Massachusetts, spent the week seeing the sights with a cousin, checked my daughter out for ice cream and some real meals, and saw her concerts. She's a delightful grandmother the vast majority of the time. Which is why I was doing a gut check on calling her out about this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one gets to be emotionally manipulating ~ meaning, The Guilt Trip. OP, your Mom is being rude. She is likely to hurt her relationship with her Granddaughter, if not a lot, at least a little. You should continue to give her firm answers, which you have done. End phone conversations that wander into Guilt Trip territory. And let your DD know she does not need to respond to every one of Grandma's calls/messages.

Having said all that, are there any of your DD's activities where it's ok to watch? Invite your Mom. And encourage your DD to keep Grandma in-the-loop on her life, on her aspirations. IF Grandma can manage that. Without expressing too many opinions.

OP again. I think I mentioned it upthread, but my mom is absolutely delightful about attending my daughter's concerts. In fact, my daughter went to a music camp this past summer with three concert cycles. My husband and I could only get there for the last one, so my mom travelled to Massachusetts, spent the week seeing the sights with a cousin, checked my daughter out for ice cream and some real meals, and saw her concerts. She's a delightful grandmother the vast majority of the time. Which is why I was doing a gut check on calling her out about this!

Perhaps this time you're realizing that Grandma has been helpful because it was all going her way - seeing more of you guys. And that right now, it's not, and that's why there's friction. She may not actually want what's best for her granddaughter. She just wants to be surrounded by relatives, all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she should knock it off. Young have their own lives by high school with their own plans and activities. Relationships with your mom are for you to manage.

This doesn't make sense. If the "young" have their own lives with their own plans and activities, then they shouldn't need mom to "manage" their relationships. Your daughter can explain her heavy schedule and thank grandma for the invitation and decline.

[Anonymous]

OP, to have a peer relationship with another adult means a "no" is respected. Someone may be disappointed by the no, but they do not get to use their-degree-of-hurt to change someone else's decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one gets to be emotionally manipulating ~ meaning, The Guilt Trip. OP, your Mom is being rude. She is likely to hurt her relationship with her Granddaughter, if not a lot, at least a little. You should continue to give her firm answers, which you have done. End phone conversations that wander into Guilt Trip territory. And let your DD know she does not need to respond to every one of Grandma's calls/messages.

Having said all that, are there any of your DD's activities where it's ok to watch? Invite your Mom. And encourage your DD to keep Grandma in-the-loop on her life, on her aspirations. IF Grandma can manage that. Without expressing too many opinions.

OP again. I think I mentioned it upthread, but my mom is absolutely delightful about attending my daughter's concerts. In fact, my daughter went to a music camp this past summer with three concert cycles. My husband and I could only get there for the last one, so my mom travelled to Massachusetts, spent the week seeing the sights with a cousin, checked my daughter out for ice cream and some real meals, and saw her concerts. She's a delightful grandmother the vast majority of the time. Which is why I was doing a gut check on calling her out about this!

Perhaps this time you're realizing that Grandma has been helpful because it was all going her way - seeing more of you guys. And that right now, it's not, and that's why there's friction. She may not actually want what's best for her granddaughter. She just wants to be surrounded by relatives, all the time.

Or, she is more religious OR understands that relationships with family matter more than a high school extracurricular (which doesn't mean everyone agrees with her and that she should get her way), but her recommendations on what is "best" for her granddaughter may actually be true.

[Anonymous]

or it's a meaningful holiday to the rest of your family and it would mean a lot to them to push your daughter to spend 1 weekday night celebrating the holiday with them. I wouldn't recommend this if it was a regular occurrence but it seems like the issue is the upcoming Jewish holidays.

We are not religious at all (my kids and I aren't even Christian) but my husband's family is very religious and it is very important to my mother-in-law that she has her whole family with her for Christmas as well as a few other family traditions around the holidays. My kids don't enjoy it and it means that we have never been able to go away for the winter holidays. However, we do it for her because that's what family does.

As a mother of a junior who is also at a very high pressure school and who also has an extracurricular activity for which he has to travel to multiple times a week, I would push him to spend the time with his grandmother for what is essentially her most important holiday.

If she was pushing for it to be a weekly event then no, of course not. But for a once a year holiday? Of course. So it depends on what the grandmother is really asking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one gets to be emotionally manipulating ~ meaning, The Guilt Trip. OP, your Mom is being rude. She is likely to hurt her relationship with her Granddaughter, if not a lot, at least a little. You should continue to give her firm answers, which you have done. End phone conversations that wander into Guilt Trip territory. And let your DD know she does not need to respond to every one of Grandma's calls/messages.

Having said all that, are there any of your DD's activities where it's ok to watch? Invite your Mom. And encourage your DD to keep Grandma in-the-loop on her life, on her aspirations. IF Grandma can manage that. Without expressing too many opinions.

OP again. I think I mentioned it upthread, but my mom is absolutely delightful about attending my daughter's concerts. In fact, my daughter went to a music camp this past summer with three concert cycles. My husband and I could only get there for the last one, so my mom travelled to Massachusetts, spent the week seeing the sights with a cousin, checked my daughter out for ice cream and some real meals, and saw her concerts. She's a delightful grandmother the vast majority of the time. Which is why I was doing a gut check on calling her out about this!

Why are you such a witch to your elderly mom? Has your kid told you that she hates her?

White women problem.

[Anonymous]

White women like to use everyone when it suits them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 17 is a sweet teenager. She has a baseline level of anxiety and people pleasing, but nothing pathological, we all have our "stuff"

She is a junior at a high pressure private school, and she's really committed to getting good grades and maintaining a specific extracurricular that requires regular practice and takes up two, essentially nonnegotiable, evenings a week. She manages her own schedule, does her work, and tends to do one or two social things on weekends only with friends. But, she is coming home and working pretty steadily until 10 or 11pm on weekdays and putting in 5-6 hours daily on weekends with work. This is all her choice, she picked her schedule, and we've never even set a curfew for her, let alone told her she couldn't go out anytime.

Now, the issue. My family! They are local, and, for decades, there has been steady pressure to do family events, holiday dinners, etc. I have a history of being the most flexible, but, honestly, we aren't religious (Jewish) and could take or leave most of the many, many holidays.

This year, not a single Jewish holiday (except Sukkot which is when we have college visits planned) falls over a weekend. When first asked, I asked my daughter her real thoughts and she said the thought of having a third weekday evening out of the house was extremely stressful. So, I gave my mom a firm "no" on doing weekday family events. We'd be happy to get together any Friday or Saturday evening. We'd be happy to host anyone for family dinner during the week.

Now, however, she is going directly to my kid and laying on the pressure. I get that my kid isn't a "kid" anymore and should be able to manage her own relationships and time, but I really want to tell my mom to knock it off.

To be clear, we've already hosted my mom for dinner twice, and we made day trip plans with her for two weekends during the fall, and we talk almost daily. It's not like we never see her!

As a Jewish person I say this with care tell your mother to F off.

[Anonymous]

First of all, your mom isn't really understanding the junior year workload and how important her grades are. Why don't you and your spouse attend the meal and leave your dd at home. Maybe your dd will have a chill week and end up joining you at Grandma's.

[Anonymous]

I am into boundaries and generally putting my kids' schedules first but this is a high holiday. You may not be religious but its likely very important to your family (and maybe scary to them that you don't find it important, tbh).

I would ask my child to make the no evening activities exception for ONE holiday meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:or it's a meaningful holiday to the rest of your family and it would mean a lot to them to push your daughter to spend 1 weekday night celebrating the holiday with them. I wouldn't recommend this if it was a regular occurrence but it seems like the issue is the upcoming Jewish holidays.

We are not religious at all (my kids and I aren't even Christian) but my husband's family is very religious and it is very important to my mother-in-law that she has her whole family with her for Christmas as well as a few other family traditions around the holidays. My kids don't enjoy it and it means that we have never been able to go away for the winter holidays. However, we do it for her because that's what family does.

As a mother of a junior who is also at a very high pressure school and who also has an extracurricular activity for which he has to travel to multiple times a week, I would push him to spend the time with his grandmother for what is essentially her most important holiday.

If she was pushing for it to be a weekly event then no, of course not. But for a once a year holiday? Of course. So it depends on what the grandmother is really asking for.

You just wrote that your children never enjoy Christmas and you think people should take your parenting advice?

[Anonymous]

Absolutely tell mom to stop. And give your kid permission to limit/stop communication with her if she doesn't.

[Anonymous]

OP wants to use her DD because she doesn’t want to go. OP is just going to sit at home twiddling her thumbs while her DD is furiously working.

Just tell your mom without using a scapegoat. It’s also crazy that it’s fine for her to attend concerts, but you won’t make any effort. Still it doesn’t matter. If you don’t want to go tell you mom you never want to do a Jewish holiday again. And don’t come crying when DD pushes back on you.

[Anonymous]

But bravo to you hosting your meddlesome mother “twice.” 👏👏👏