Aging parents - what am I looking at financially?

[Anonymous]

If she has all her faculties, she gets to make poor decisions. Even if she reported this, not sure it would go anywhere without evidence. All you do is see if she is willing to say you will install the Blink cameras. Make sure you can legally do this. If she refuses it, you detach. I would not engage with her complaints emotionally. Calmly state you care, you want her to install cameras for evidence, but she gets to decide. Then set a boundary that it's too painful to hear about when she has insists on doing nothing. You are getting sucked into dramatics and then angry at people here who are pointing out different views. Don't scapegoat people here and simply deal with the issue. Let her chose to gather evidence or not and then you need to accept the messiness.It's not want you want for her, it makes you angry and worried, but it's not your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: If she has all her faculties, she gets to make poor decisions. Even if she reported this, not sure it would go anywhere without evidence. All you do is see if she is willing to say you will install the Blink cameras. Make sure you can legally do this. If she refuses it, you detach. I would not engage with her complaints emotionally. Calmly state you care, you want her to install cameras for evidence, but she gets to decide. Then set a boundary that it's too painful to hear about when she has insists on doing nothing. You are getting sucked into dramatics and then angry at people here who are pointing out different views. Don't scapegoat people here and simply deal with the issue. Let her chose to gather evidence or not and then you need to accept the messiness.It's not want you want for her, it makes you angry and worried, but it's not your choice.

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Sorry-posted here by mistake. Copied and pasted to proper thread. Ignore. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom won’t utilize many of the in-house products and services she’s paying for. Instead she expects us to cover buying her alternatives.

We just can’t afford to anymore. All of us are dealing with tight budgets and trying to focus on necessities. I cannot also pay for her preferred brands. I feel awful about it, but I also know that her physical needs are met while I haven’t even been able to start saving for my own care in the future.

So you are going to put your own children in the same position when you are old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean…it’s not your job. You help them by taking them to appointments sometimes if they can’t take themselves, helping them with food delivery etc…But worrying about how you are going to be financially responsible is not your responsibility. It was their job as adults to make sure all their finances were stable for this time in their life.

Your job is to be a supportive child for them-but that’s it.

Wow. I’m sorry you hate your parents but most people don’t have this level of a dysfunctional relationship with theirs.

Thank you. Exactly this. To be so "hands washed of them" is heartless. I'm not saying to bankrupt yourself. But I doubt you'll want this attitude towards you when you're 80+.

How is helping them with appointments, food delivery etc…washing your hands of them?

I would hate for my kids to feel fully responsible for me when i’m old. I especially don’t want them having to spend their hard earned money if I made my own poor financial decisions.

Of course I think an adult child would want to support their parent in old age with visits, logistics, emotional support etc…But taking care of your parents financially is not the child’s job or is it a requirement to show love.

OK, it's "not your job" but it is very common for older people to go off the rails financially - it could even happen to you - and what are you going to do if they end up bankrupt, shurg your shoulders say "it's not my job" and let them die in the gutter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New to this forum. I am 51 and parents are both in their 80s. They have outlived both of their parents. Despite any number of ailments, the seem to be in reasonably good health at this point in time. My mom has long-term-care insurance. My father does not and cannot qualify. They have very limited financial resources.

After paying for many years of private school for our kids they will soon be in college and I am beginning to see the light at the end of this tunnel financially. Now I find myself wondering what the expenses will be for my parents as they age and if I'll ever be able to retire.

Does LTC insurance cover assisted living? Does Medicaid? What will happen if my father doesn't need skilled nursing but needs assisted living? Is this something people pay out of pocket? I did a lot of research on Medicaid and the spend down several years ago and tried to discuss putting together a strategy with my parents and they wouldn't listen. They say they "don't want to be a burden." Both of their parents died at an earlier age and were financially secure so they never had to rely on my parents for financial help or care.

I know every situation is different and i'm just scratching the surface here but is there a way to gage what I might be facing in terms of financial commitment moving into the next 10 years?

Why are you assuming your parents will need a certain level of care? If they are still reasonably healthy in their 80s i’d say that’s pretty good. Do they take care of themselves or is that just luck? They need to be eating right and doing some form of exercise every day as well as have a social life (good for the brain). Not all old people become completely incapacitated and need 24/7 care. Taking care of yourself is as much for your kids (so they don’t have this burden) as it is for yourself.

At some point they will require care. The issue is how long they will need it. Sometimes the elderly are "just fine" for years and then everything goes downhill and they die in a couple of months. But others need 24/7 care for years on end.

[Anonymous]

OP, do your parents own their home? When the time comes, they could sell the home to pay for assisted living.

[Anonymous]

Take them to Switzerland. That’s my end of life plans and have had such discussions with DC. YMMV

[Anonymous]

My mom has been 4 1/2 years in an assisted living facility. At the end of year 3, she ran out of money and LTC benefits, so we've been paying most of the bill since. (She has just social security income.) We pay about $5,500 a month baseline. When she needs extra care (she's fallen several times, for instance), we hire extra help by the hour, which gets expensive quickly. This month we spent closer to $9000. This is in a lower-cost-of-living state. We haven't moved her here because it would cost 50% more. Yes, we could apply for medicaid, but the decent places have long waiting lists, she's in a good place, and moving her would be challenging (she has dementia and high anxiety). So we suck it up.

[Anonymous]

And, yes, this all happened right around the time our youngest graduated from college and we expected to finally have the bandwidth to travel and have a little fun. So, I feel you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom has been 4 1/2 years in an assisted living facility. At the end of year 3, she ran out of money and LTC benefits, so we've been paying most of the bill since. (She has just social security income.) We pay about $5,500 a month baseline. When she needs extra care (she's fallen several times, for instance), we hire extra help by the hour, which gets expensive quickly. This month we spent closer to $9000. This is in a lower-cost-of-living state. We haven't moved her here because it would cost 50% more. Yes, we could apply for medicaid, but the decent places have long waiting lists, she's in a good place, and moving her would be challenging (she has dementia and high anxiety). So we suck it up.

that is super inexpensive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom has been 4 1/2 years in an assisted living facility. At the end of year 3, she ran out of money and LTC benefits, so we've been paying most of the bill since. (She has just social security income.) We pay about $5,500 a month baseline. When she needs extra care (she's fallen several times, for instance), we hire extra help by the hour, which gets expensive quickly. This month we spent closer to $9000. This is in a lower-cost-of-living state. We haven't moved her here because it would cost 50% more. Yes, we could apply for medicaid, but the decent places have long waiting lists, she's in a good place, and moving her would be challenging (she has dementia and high anxiety). So we suck it up.

What is your net worth and income? And your spouse is good with this? $5500-$9000 out of pocket per month is not feasible for most people, and even if it were, it would come at a huge trade-off and potentially cause marital problems. So, asking about your net worth and income because there is some number at which people can afford to help their parents at that rate without dooming themselves...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom has been 4 1/2 years in an assisted living facility. At the end of year 3, she ran out of money and LTC benefits, so we've been paying most of the bill since. (She has just social security income.) We pay about $5,500 a month baseline. When she needs extra care (she's fallen several times, for instance), we hire extra help by the hour, which gets expensive quickly. This month we spent closer to $9000. This is in a lower-cost-of-living state. We haven't moved her here because it would cost 50% more. Yes, we could apply for medicaid, but the decent places have long waiting lists, she's in a good place, and moving her would be challenging (she has dementia and high anxiety). So we suck it up.

What is your net worth and income? And your spouse is good with this? $5500-$9000 out of pocket per month is not feasible for most people, and even if it were, it would come at a huge trade-off and potentially cause marital problems. So, asking about your net worth and income because there is some number at which people can afford to help their parents at that rate without dooming themselves...

100% agree.

I notice the pp you quoted followed up in a second post right below:
"
And, yes, this all happened right around the time our youngest graduated from college and we expected to finally have the bandwidth to travel and have a little fun. So, I feel you, OP."

So, it sounds like the expenses are cutting into the travel/fun funds.

[Anonymous]

You’ll likely suffer financially if you support them. I’d stay out of it. A lot of this is cultural. My priority is my husband and kids. Not my parents. My parents had decades to live and save.

[Anonymous]

Best use of your money is to gather all financial info and documents (ltc) and see an elder card attorney now.

Cheapest in place with ltc covered visiting care or for your dad additional hourly help. But not always practical.

Our experience : age 80 after a fall and start of dementia symptoms: mom stayed at her home with caregivers 4-8 hrs a day 5 days a week. She probably would have been ok with 4 but she liked the company. Ran about 5k/mo.

2022-2024: she decided to move near me, because needs increased and she could no longer drive, not maintaining house and had made some devastating financial mistakes. Started with mostly independent AL and moved up to more assistance. 6k to start and around 7500 at end of two years with increased care and regular price increases.

2025 on- fast decline at end of last year prompted move to memory care. Initially was 8700 but not good care (in same facility as her AL) so moved to much better one, 11k month. Also still paying her Medicare and supplement so around 12k month. She lived in MC for 11 months.

All OOP because she had dropped her LTC policy in 2019-2020 because of dementia and not paying bills) so ensure your mom’s policy keeps getting paid.

[Anonymous]

OP - I think your approach to having the conversation with your parents about their financies and any LTC policies was spot on. Also to talk to them in dollar terms about the cost of future services. Folks say it is not your reponsibility, but the fact remains many adult children do step in to help aging parents. If the parents can't feel comfortable discussing finances or long terms aging issues directly with you, then do get the advice as mentioned of an Elder Attorney. This person might make the most sense in just reveiwing the legal instruments they have in place, especially in setting up the successive folks POA, Health Power on Decisions, Executor of the Estate etc. as needed. They will also have the experience in reading the fine details of contracts on LTC insurance policies and on any policies regarding future care as in a CCRC, Assisted Living or Memory Care residential program.

Other folks to have them speak with would be the place(s) that they are most likely to seek care support with either a local agency or an actual residential provider of services. Again this will be a time for both you and your aging parents to understand the services provided and the cost of such services. Every family is different in finances, dynamics and ability to face the future. You have done well to provide themw with housing close by you and how you proceed in the future should be governed by the needs of your children first of all, the financial health of your family (including your own future longterm care) and your own health. Parents are allowed to make unwise decisions, but you do not have to feel compelled topic up the pieces. We are the senior couple and we place the well-being of our adult daughters and their families as top priorities in legal and financial planning. I will say it is very surprising how fast a health issue can change the stability that an indepedent couple or single person has so keep the conversation going with your parents and with your spouse.