Aging parents - what am I looking at financially?

[Anonymous]

New to this forum. I am 51 and parents are both in their 80s. They have outlived both of their parents. Despite any number of ailments, the seem to be in reasonably good health at this point in time. My mom has long-term-care insurance. My father does not and cannot qualify. They have very limited financial resources.

After paying for many years of private school for our kids they will soon be in college and I am beginning to see the light at the end of this tunnel financially. Now I find myself wondering what the expenses will be for my parents as they age and if I'll ever be able to retire.

Does LTC insurance cover assisted living? Does Medicaid? What will happen if my father doesn't need skilled nursing but needs assisted living? Is this something people pay out of pocket? I did a lot of research on Medicaid and the spend down several years ago and tried to discuss putting together a strategy with my parents and they wouldn't listen. They say they "don't want to be a burden." Both of their parents died at an earlier age and were financially secure so they never had to rely on my parents for financial help or care.

I know every situation is different and i'm just scratching the surface here but is there a way to gage what I might be facing in terms of financial commitment moving into the next 10 years?

[Anonymous]

LTC insurance normally kicks in when the person can’t perform two of the activities of daily living by themselves so assisted living generally qualifies.

Memory care out by me in Ashburn runs $10k-$15k a month. Assisted living $8k-$12k. My mom has been self-pay but I’m the extreme example, she needs individual 24/7 care in addition to memory care so that’s an extra $6k a week. But that’s been since mid-July and I need to find an alternative because, even with a healthy savings she may run out of money at this rate.

Growing old and needing care is not for the poor.

[Anonymous]

I mean…it’s not your job. You help them by taking them to appointments sometimes if they can’t take themselves, helping them with food delivery etc…But worrying about how you are going to be financially responsible is not your responsibility. It was their job as adults to make sure all their finances were stable for this time in their life.

Your job is to be a supportive child for them-but that’s it.

[Anonymous]

Tell them "The way not to be a burden is to maximize your insurance benefits." And then get them to show you their policy documents and figure out what their policies cover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean…it’s not your job. You help them by taking them to appointments sometimes if they can’t take themselves, helping them with food delivery etc…But worrying about how you are going to be financially responsible is not your responsibility. It was their job as adults to make sure all their finances were stable for this time in their life.

Your job is to be a supportive child for them-but that’s it.

This unless you have an extra $20k a month then what usually happens is they have some sort of accident at home, go to the hospital and then can’t come home and go to a nursing home where they will die. If both of their parents were financially secure how do they not have any savings for this at 80?

[Anonymous]

1) Figure out what your mom's LTC policy is and read the fine print super carefully.

2) Figure out what their financial resources actually are. Sketch out a plan for how you'd *like* them to spend down, based on what Medicaid in your state actually covers.

3) Every time you have a talk with them, and they say that they don't want to be a burden, you say "Then cooperate with me". Say "You have insurance, so let's use the insurance." If they're a pain, tell them "You *are* being a burden right now because you won't cooperate with me. I'm just trying to help you use your insurance."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean…it’s not your job. You help them by taking them to appointments sometimes if they can’t take themselves, helping them with food delivery etc…But worrying about how you are going to be financially responsible is not your responsibility. It was their job as adults to make sure all their finances were stable for this time in their life.

Your job is to be a supportive child for them-but that’s it.

Wow. I’m sorry you hate your parents but most people don’t have this level of a dysfunctional relationship with theirs.

[Anonymous]

OP, do they live in a lower COL area? That's the first thing. They can only live where they can afford. Even if that means seeing you less. Know what facilities are around them, start there. Do these places take Medicaid? The situation could be completely different when they need it but you need to become familiar with their area. If they need assistance, they move in as full pay, there assets are depleted, and they become a Medicaid patient. Do not go into making lifestyle choices (assumed for the future) with you paying. Yes, you are likely to want to contribute to make their lives better ~ if they don't live near you, that means flying in frequently to visit them. Do not plan and commit to any lifestyle they can't otherwise afford on their own.

[Anonymous]

13:30 poster again. OP, start to become comfortable with this idea -- you are the adult in the room. The competent adult. Yes, as long as they are competent, they make decisions for themselves but too often elders lose this ability. It can seem unexpected to some, and adult children don't have the guts to step-in, fill the role of competent adult, and make the tough plans/decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean…it’s not your job. You help them by taking them to appointments sometimes if they can’t take themselves, helping them with food delivery etc…But worrying about how you are going to be financially responsible is not your responsibility. It was their job as adults to make sure all their finances were stable for this time in their life.

Your job is to be a supportive child for them-but that’s it.

OP here. I totally agree its not my job. I started having conversations with my parents about their retirement plans 20 years ago when they were still working and they brushed me off. I knew they didn't have a plan and I wanted to try and help them come up with one. They didn't listen. My husband and I have worked hard and are in a better position than my parents ever were financially. Money is an object and we both have to work full time to maintain our lifestyle and pay for kids education. We purchased a condo for them to be in a rent-controlled safe, secure environment near my house. I am irritated, to say the least, about my parents lack of financial planning but at the end of the day I can't let them be on the streets. It just stinks...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do they live in a lower COL area? That's the first thing. They can only live where they can afford. Even if that means seeing you less. Know what facilities are around them, start there. Do these places take Medicaid? The situation could be completely different when they need it but you need to become familiar with their area. If they need assistance, they move in as full pay, there assets are depleted, and they become a Medicaid patient. Do not go into making lifestyle choices (assumed for the future) with you paying. Yes, you are likely to want to contribute to make their lives better ~ if they don't live near you, that means flying in frequently to visit them. Do not plan and commit to any lifestyle they can't otherwise afford on their own.

They live half a mile from me in NoVA in a condo we purchased in order to put them in a rent-controlled situation. They cover the mortgage. The market value is about $500 more per month but we take that as a loss for tax purposes. They were homeowners my whole life but after they were pushed into retirement and faced age discrimination and couldn't find work they continued spending they way they always had and took out a home equity line. They were buried in debt and I had to do an intervention and convince them to sell the home. I also had them meet with a financial advisor.

[Anonymous]

Read your mom's LTC policy. There are usually daily limits that it covers as well as a lifetime limit and often can be used for in home care as well as facilities. Since their housing is more or less taken care of, in home care would be ideal. If they both end up needing very expensive care, then they spend down their assets (which doesn't sound like much) and hope for Medicaid. Since they do not own property, there's no need for a Medicaid trust.

As for what it costs--it really depends. Assisted living can run 5-8k month or more; memory care 9-12k on average in this area. Nursing home care may be paid for by Medicare, depending on situation. MEdicare will cover necessary medical costs, but not housing (so rehab will be limited). Hospice care is usually covered fully (but again that's services not room/board)

Your best hope is that they continue to age in place and if anyone needs in home care, its your mom. I have my mom in memory care now, but my stepsister had her mom in her own condo (similar to your situation) and found a community of caregivers who rotated and cost about 22/hr (this was not via agency but off books).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean…it’s not your job. You help them by taking them to appointments sometimes if they can’t take themselves, helping them with food delivery etc…But worrying about how you are going to be financially responsible is not your responsibility. It was their job as adults to make sure all their finances were stable for this time in their life.

Your job is to be a supportive child for them-but that’s it.

Wow. I’m sorry you hate your parents but most people don’t have this level of a dysfunctional relationship with theirs.

I’m sorry where did you get that I hate my parents? I take them to appointments, help them with groceries (both getting them and paying for them) and often make phone calls/set up service appointments for the AC etc…for them but taking care of them financially is not a job of someone’s child. Irresponsible parents don’t get to take advantage of their responsible children. So it’s better the OP just completely depletes their own financial situation in order to help her parents? To just then have the cycle continue when their own kids age and are forced to take care of them? Then what happens when a couple didn’t have any kids at all? Having kids to take care of you when you are old should never be the reason to have kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're in good shape. They have a place to live. You've seen to that. Many elders are -only- on Medicare. That is their health plan. They will get whatever health care they are entitled to. IDK if LTC insurance pay-out is what I'd be focused on (I'd assume it's not much) but you've got so many other bases covered, I can see why you want to know that detail.

[Anonymous]

My top piece of advice is to find an elder law attorney asap. They will read your mom's LTC insurance fine print and tell you what it means. They will distill Medicare and Medicaid into understandable language (or put it in chatgpt lol). They will help you develop a plan given your parents meager income. They will help you navigate AL vs SN vs any other form of care.

If you can throw money at this situation, this is the best target for the most peace of mind.

Don't throw your money at actually paying for long term care. Just find out the best path forward within your parents financial options (meaning LTC and Medicaid when eligible).