How much to give for bar mitzvah

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We never give less than $200. People in the DMV are cheap and will say $15 is fine and imply it’s just a birthday party.

This

[Anonymous]

We give $18. I was going to give $20 but my kids said it had to be $28. Whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate the expectation that you have to give money - and it’s a substantial amount too. And often kids are invited that really don’t know the kid. That’s why it feels like a money grab.

There is no expectation that you give money and also no expectation that it is any particular amount. Just like when you had your wedding, graduation, bridal shower or your child’s baptism or quinceañera or other cultural or religious milestone, friends and family come together and yes, often gifts are given by custom but not required. I find it antisemitic when you only characterize gift giving at Jewish milestones as a money grab but don’t characterize it that way for any other milestone celebrations.

I think this is clearly untrue based on the responses. “I’m a Jew and would be embarrassed to give less than $100.” That sums it up right there.

Also, with a wedding the couple is just starting out with buying a house, furnishings, things to put in it etc. With a new baby, there is a lot to purchase. So yeah I can see giving a gift or cash. However, there are usually choices on the registry that are $25. But a 13 old living with their parents who gets all their needs taken care of? I don’t see why they need wedding like cash gifts. Have a close celebration with just family and friends. But nope, the entire 7th grade class gets invited. Or friends of the parents whom the kids don’t even know. And of course if you go you don’t want to look cheap so you have to follow the custom of money.

This is by definition a community celebration - the kid goes up there, stands in front of everyone, reads from the Torah, etc. Everyone who happens to be present there at the synagogue becomes a part of the celebration, even if they don’t know the kid/ family. When my kids had their bnei mitzvahs, we didn’t do a party afterwards, just the reception, and we fed not just the guest list. It wouldn’t occur to me not to invite the whole class (and I understood that some wouldn’t attend for whatever reasons).

As far as the gifts, I agree that they should depend on how close you are to the kid/family. A gift of $18 is fine for a classmate with whom you are not close.

[Anonymous]

I live in a predominantly Jewish north shore suburb of Chicago.

There are classmate mitzvahs almost every weekend of our kids' 7th grade year; sometimes more than one a weekend. No exaggeration. We call it "the mitzvah year".

The size of the celebration varies. Plenty are smallish, many are large, and a few are all-class parties, but the latter it is no where near the norm. I will say, though, that they are lovely for kids who don't tend to get invited to a lot of the other mitzvahs. What a strange thing to knock!

It's customary here to give $18 or $36 for just an acquaintance, $54 for a friend, and more for a very close friend. But I can assure you no one is judging or keeping tabs, and certainly no one who is already in the financial position to be able to host the entire 7th grade class is attempting to "off-set" the cost of the party with their child's gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never give less than $200. People in the DMV are cheap and will say $15 is fine and imply it’s just a birthday party.

It absolutely is a birthday party and you’re getting a card.

No it is not a birthday party fool,

Go back to your hole maga

You’re still just getting a card.

You would do that ONCE and be quietly talked about and never invited to another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never give less than $200. People in the DMV are cheap and will say $15 is fine and imply it’s just a birthday party.

It absolutely is a birthday party and you’re getting a card.

No it is not a birthday party fool,

Go back to your hole maga

You’re still just getting a card.

You would do that ONCE and be quietly talked about and never invited to another.

Oh, stop. I have three kids at Big3 private schools. We always invite the whole class. I do not have the time or energy to care which kid gives a gift or how big is was. I would definitely not notice the gift of a casual kid friend. Now, if my sister stiffed my kid, that I would notice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never give less than $200. People in the DMV are cheap and will say $15 is fine and imply it’s just a birthday party.

It absolutely is a birthday party and you’re getting a card.

No it is not a birthday party fool,

Go back to your hole maga

You’re still just getting a card.

You would do that ONCE and be quietly talked about and never invited to another.

+1

[Anonymous]

Why multiples of 18?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate the expectation that you have to give money - and it’s a substantial amount too. And often kids are invited that really don’t know the kid. That’s why it feels like a money grab.

There is no expectation that you give money and also no expectation that it is any particular amount. Just like when you had your wedding, graduation, bridal shower or your child’s baptism or quinceañera or other cultural or religious milestone, friends and family come together and yes, often gifts are given by custom but not required. I find it antisemitic when you only characterize gift giving at Jewish milestones as a money grab but don’t characterize it that way for any other milestone celebrations.

I think this is clearly untrue based on the responses. “I’m a Jew and would be embarrassed to give less than $100.” That sums it up right there.

Also, with a wedding the couple is just starting out with buying a house, furnishings, things to put in it etc. With a new baby, there is a lot to purchase. So yeah I can see giving a gift or cash. However, there are usually choices on the registry that are $25. But a 13 old living with their parents who gets all their needs taken care of? I don’t see why they need wedding like cash gifts. Have a close celebration with just family and friends. But nope, the entire 7th grade class gets invited. Or friends of the parents whom the kids don’t even know. And of course if you go you don’t want to look cheap so you have to follow the custom of money.

If you’re that hostile to tradition then just don’t go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why multiples of 18?

It’s a culturally significant number. 18 corresponds to “chai” which means “life.” Most Jews when giving money to Jewish institutions or for Jewish events, give multiples of 18.